Old Teachings

Trigger possible.








My dad made me make promises to him a lot. Some of them I broke before he died, some of them after, and some of them never, or some of them I've broken and then tell myself I will never break them again.

I know I was forced to make such promises but at the same time I feel I wasn't. I know I was just a kid, but I never felt like a kid, so maybe I was never really a kid. Someone will say something to me and I'll reply, then if they ask me why I said that, I'll want to start with saying "my dad used to say..." and then I'll stop because I realize I'm quoting him.

Why do I defend him? I still listen to what he said, I still follow what he made me promise, I'll always bar myself from certain emotions and certain words. He told me how to think, who was I to question it? It was like all of them made the law.

I want to tell myself it never happened, I want to push it away and tell myself to just pretend that it didn't happen to me.

I feel like an idiot for all this- I know what my dad did. I can't bring myself to hate him because he did it to me. I feel awful, I feel like every time he touched me he tainted me. I feel stupid because I still think about what he said, what he taught me, how he told me to be. I feel like such a dumb idiot because he's dead, that was my fault, and I still find myself wishing for his approval.

Sorry to ramble, just needed to

that's what this place is for.

you know... it takes time to break from old habits.. old teachings.

try to be patient and good to yourself.

sorry i don't know what else to say.

(((griffe)))

Hi Griffe, it is natural to love your parent no matter what and to strive for their approval.

(((((Griffe))))

It is hard to unlearn things, espically when things are taught and taught at a young age. As children are brains are so sensitive and when something is taught to us over and over again the thing we learned is hard to well unlearn.
Please be gentle with yourself Griffe, it takes a while to unlearn things,
Do you have a T to help you with this??

I hope this makes sense, rember I am always here for you if you want to talk.


Silver

Thanks everyone. It's just too hard to break old teachings, to ignore old tapes, to unlearn things that seem to be forever stuck in my head. I was thinking of how many things each day I do to keep in line with the old rules and so much of my life today is governed by the old.

Don't have a T right now but I'm supposed to be looking for one.

(((Griffe)))

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It's just too hard to break old teachings, to ignore old tapes, to unlearn things that seem to be forever stuck in my head.

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I'm not sure if it is ever possible to get things out of our head, but it is possible to move to a place where we are more aware and less likely to be caught off-guard by our former programming.

I know this may sound strange, but what if you said 'thank you' to the patterns in your life. Acknowledge that they are there, and then ask gently let them know that you don't need those patterns anymore. Now, you are a different person, who would like to create room for rules of your own making.

I've found for myself, that if I try to fight something it just seems to grow in strength. If instead I accept it is there, and look for even a tiny nugget of a lesson, the power of the thought/rule/memory seems to just seep away.

Sending some strength and awareness your way!

(((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))))