something I learned about myself last night

I have been processing and processing the heck out of this dr thing. It triggered me so badly. So I was like besides the triggers Stephanie what is the reason you feel so scared. I mean this has effected my relationships with my T's I am struggling to feel connected to them again. It has made me want to stop therapy and just hide away from the world. I know its way to much of a reaction for what happend. I know it brought up a ton of old stuff but also I was wondering why did I struggle so hard to make sure she liked me? Why did I keep going back to her after I saw that she really had no clue? That little nine year old girl said because when people like you they dont try to kill you hurt you break your legs and you are safer. I was like BINGO. Thats it. The differnce I said to my littrle small self is that i am a grown up now. I can fight back and I can be safe. Then i was like yeah i really dont like my dr. I never have. I called her voice mail and said I am not coming back as your patient and by the way the oregon state beavers suck. They suck so bad people mistake them as a vacuum. She loves this school she went to school there met her husband there ext... ha ha ha. So i feel like I have more power back.

Good Work Mini!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

way to go!!!! proud of you!!!!


twilight

((((((((((( minime )))))))))))))) good job

You are really funny. I love people who have the balls to do stuff like that. Way to go. I'm going to think of that whenever I hear about that school's team now.

You bring up a really good point about why do we keep going back to people even if they're really not helping us? This is something I struggle with a lot, especially with doctors or health care providers. And especially, especially with therapists and the one I just left. Why did I keep going so long if I wasn't seeing any improvement? Keep beating myself up over and over and over for that one & trying to figure it all out.

Besides not having prior experiences to base it on, I think I'm just a stupid sucker for anyone who is nice to me. Sometimes I'm too caught up in all my crap to notice what someone is/isn't doing for me. And something I'm really, really trying to correct and get better about is being too concerned with other people's feelings instead of mine.

Yet I still get caught in the trap and not knowing if it's me or them. Am I even helpable or not? It's really hard too when your psychological ailments manifest or create physiological ones. And if I can't tell if I'm real or not, how do I know if my sore throat is real or not? I usually don't go to the doctor unless something is gushing blood or something or unless my boyfriend makes me. But one time I felt like I had a sore throat and since I can't tell if I'm real or not, didn't know if my sore throat was real or not. So I went to the doctor in secret wondering if he could tell me if the sore throat was real or not. Isn't that nuts?

Mmm... & part of it probably has to do with being scared of what they'll do to me if I decided to quit or stop seeing them or seeking their care. Like they'll seek retaliation or revenge against me. Know where that comes from.

Life. You know i get you. We are so much alike.

I know too.

Minime you're amazing - I'm so impressed. Too many people stay with the wrong therapist when they know deep down it's not right for them which is at best totally unhelpful and at worst even more traumatic. I admire you for having the self-awareness to make the decision and the guts to walk and I love the vm message -

I hope you get to work with someone really great next time round.

BTC