Triggered

I really don't where to post this.

I can't read this board generally, because it triggers me, so I feel guilty coming here for support. So please forgive me.

I am so triggered this morning. My mom (my abuser) is going in for a procedure this morning, and I just got off the phone with her. She was telling me all of the things to do if she dies - like to have an estate auction, take care of my addict brother, play a certain song at her memorial, etc. Ugh. It so reminds me of when I was growing up and she was constantly threatening suicide, and telling me (a child) how to handle everything after she was gone.

And there is all of this guilt tied in to it. Because she was one of my abusers, the thought of her being gone was....appealing, and I feel really guilty for that.

And I feel guilty for not wanting to drive her to her procedure this morning. My stupid addict brother lives nearby, but she doesn't want to bother him, even though she supports him 100% financially.

I don't know. I did offer to drive her, but she decided to take herself. Guilt. Whatever.

So, I'm just triggered into all of this fear and guilt. I've had a really good week...to the point where I actually thought "whew! I'm all better!" and being triggered is really really upsetting me.

I have a prescription for klonopin and I don't want to take it for some reason.

I did leave a message for T. We've processed a lot of other (SA) trauma stuff in therapy, but not this stuff very much.

I don't even know if what I'm saying is making sense. It's just all of this PTSD crap that probably doesn't sound like a big deal at all but is just making me feel really, really awful.

I feel guilty for posting on a board where I can't provide support to others, and that's creating another whole set of triggers and bad feelings - fear of not being liked, fear of asking for too much, etc.

Blah. I guess I just wanted to vent.

(((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))) Please don't feel guilty for asking for support here, if reading the posts here triggers you, then you are practicing good self care by not reading them.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now, I hope that you are feeling better soon.

EM, I am sorry that you are distressed! So this took you right back to when you were a child and all of the fear is coming back. I can understand that. I am sorry. You aren't that child anymore, though. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are an intelligent woman who is figuring out a lot of this stuff and getting better so you will master this one too.

Getting better and then realizing that there is another thing to fix... Oh, do I remember that. I actually got to the point, however, where I looked forward to these things coming up because then I could fix another thing and unload the cart even more. I understand how awful it is to not feel safe though.....

Guilt, did you have a lot of it while growing up? Is your guilt tied to meeting your needs?

hey that so sucks. I am sorry. Please dont feel guilty about not posting in here. There is a ton of support in here already. My mom did the suicide thing to. EXCEPT she did it to her boyfriends and it got dramatic. I hated her for that. It was her way of controlling people. I knew that as a kid. Im sorry that it hurts for you whn she does stuff.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words. I do appreciate the support, I don't feel like I deserve it.

This day sucks. I never, ever cry, and I can't stop crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like my head is going to explode.

{{{ earthmama }}}

I'm here to listen. We can cry together if you want. And biitch and stomp around too if that would help.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Orange Blossom )))))))))))))))))))))

Do you really feel this way?

Well, yes, I do. I am unable to come to this board to support people, and therefore it feels selfish and needy of me to come here and ask for help.

But I know the help was freely given, and I do appreciate that, very much

Thanks, kind friends.

You won't find one person here who will agree with you....

((((((((((((((((( Sannah ))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

(((((((((earthmama))))))))
I am at a weird place where it seems all i have to offer is hugs. when i was a newbie i didn't get this whole hugging thing and no comments.
now - i get it. i'm in too deep to give more and yet, no words are enough...?! so a hug seems more. anyway..... hope you're alright.