[BeckyC]

I have felt so yucky today. I went to my wonderful T today and she opened up some memories i have pushed down for so long. I actually have physical fellings like vomiting and hurt in places that she hurt me. I feel so ashamed cause the supossed to be mother hurt her daughter. That makes me fell sooo ashamed. I think i am so dirty no matter hoe much i try to scrub it off. It won't go away... How do you get it to go away? I know there is healing but does that nasty feeling ever go away?

(((BeckyC))))))))))))))))))))))) first of all it was not your fault what your mom did...
Thats the hardest one to except I think.....to put in our hearts...that you did not deserve it..nor asked for it...
With lots of work with you T things will improve over time...
And yes you can have physical feelings...You may want to tell your T
Healing takes time.....you will make it...please know you matter here...
and we are all here to listen to you.....
sometimes talking it out can help alot and ppl listening
Hope things get better ...
muffy

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( BeckyC ))))))))))))))))

[lifeblows]

Becky, thanks for asking this because it's something I wonder about too. I've tried everything and I can't get it off me or make it go away. I even feel like trying to sandpaper it off me. It's like something dirty, creepy, crawly is all over you, but worse. I'm a lot less afraid of bugs than I am this stuff. (Bugs don't scare me, but cockroaches may rank pretty close though. Ugh.)

I was also intrigued because around two and a half years ago I went to do something mundane & ordinary then got lambasted by a memory. It involved a female relative I was really close to when I was small & thought very highly of, looked up to her a lot. My T said it was sexual abuse but all this time I still can't believe it and I still cannot do the everyday mundane thing. It's caused me tons of problems not to mention what it's done to my head & world. (See I can't even write the word to what relative it is. That's how much I can't handle it.)

The reason I tell you all this is because after I had that memory and it drove me nuts & went away, I was trying to figure out whether it was bad, or abuse or not. I couldn't find anything about it since it was a female abusing a female. I finally found something about mothers and I thought how horrible, that's even worse than mine. So I really feel for you. I even had a psychiatrist blow it off & say it wasn't that bad since it was a woman & not a man. (Between that & my experiences with therapy, not a big fan of the mental health professional world right now.)

Muffy, have you found talking really helps? I'm curious because it didn't do crap for me in therapy. Plus a lot of it I couldn't talk about anyway, although I did try to draw or write things instead. Either way, didn't get me anywhere unfortunately. Only worse now. Like Becky, I'd really like to know things to get rid of this too. Can't even stand clothes or underwear touching me sometimes because of it. It's horrible.

[MINIME]

The thing that i have found that helps me which is a very new tool is 1. talking to a caring person about it 2. letting that little girl or adult whoever was hurt have a voice and get comfort 3. surrounding yourself with things that feel good and smell good. I am starting to learn and very very very new to learning this and I have not worked out all the kinks yet is that when i have body memories my body is trying to tell me something. I need to let my body talk and speak and accept comfort. It is very very very hard to do. It doesn't always work either. I'm very very very new to this tool. The part about feeling dirty is common, and I'm still working on that i think I am heading in a direction of separating myself from the person. I am not dirty and gross and the person who did this is the one who is. I again am very new to this also and not sure if it will work but thats what I am thinking and learning. I have very good T's and when I need them to talk to that little girl i can call them. My reg T tells me any time I need to get rid of the little girl for a while she will be happy to take her. She talks to her, and says your OK I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it sounds so stupid and dumb and embarrassing and stuff but it kinda works. My t has to talk over me saying shut up this is stupid and dumb and she talks over it to the little girl. I know how this sounds it sounds cheesy and stuff but I am telling you this because its helping. I wouldn't tell this to the gas station guy or my neighbor but when someone who is suffering its worth the embarrassment of sharing.

[Sannah]

Hi Becky, I am sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you got a lot of good feedback here.....

Originally Posted by MINIME

I'm still working on that i think I am heading in a direction of separating myself from the person. I am not dirty and gross and the person who did this is the one who is.

Mini, so this is what is going on here.... This could help a lot of people move forward if this is what needs to be accomplished....

And Mini, I love that you are taking care of that little girl. I think that it is very important too.