My T asked me a question out of the blue about one of my traumas on Monday in session when I was already anxious that sent me RIGHT into a flashback, out of nowhere, completely unexpectedly.

He and his office used to feel so safe to me, and now I can't even look into his eyes, because I had this moment of thinking he WAS my abuser. A totally insane moment, but still.

I had session yesterday, and his room is scary to me. His EYES are scary to me. He said I was retraumatized, and he was totally apologetic and I know he worked really really hard to help me feel safe there again. Littlest me left feeling safe, but the rest of me is like - NO WAY.

Has anyone ever been retraumatized in therapy? T didn't DO anything - it's just where I went in my head and how suddenly it happened and how scary it was. I can't BELIEVE T's office is now a "trigger" for me, when we had worked so hard and so long to make it a safe place.

I would love to hear that someone has gone through this and come out on the other side. T is on vacation now (of course!) and I won't see him again until Tuesday. Feels like a long time to sit with this.

[Mouse_]

I think this is a natrual part of therapy...the difference being this time we get to find that it is different this time and that we are safe...its almost like we have a need to feel re traumatised so we can have a different ending this time...feeling its real and knowing its not is what one should hold onto if possible...but at the time that feels impossible!!..

[Capp]

Yeah, it does happen and it sucks...
perhaps it's good your T is on vacation so you can talk more about it here and work through some of it.

jme, but there were a few times when I had to move my chair near the door--like a few inches away. so I could get away if I needed to. I felt foolish but I also felt safer that way.
it took a couple of sessions for the wrinkles to be steamed away, but it did lead to some good work being done.

Cap

[sorrel]

There's a good chapter on Retraumatisation in the transference etc in Judith Herma's book, Trauma and Recovery.

[Luce]

Yeah, I have gone into flashback in T before and confused T up with abusers while in that state... and definitely 'came out the other side' of it.

I guess it helps to remember that T did not actually retraumatize you.... you went into flashback and things got real scary and real confused, but all of those parts of you that know T and trust T need to remind the scared parts that T never abused you and abuse never happened in that room etc. Just reassure them over and over that the trauma was in the past, not in that room.

You have had a such a strong connection with T lately. T isn't the bad guy. Keep trying to remind those ones who get it all mixed up of that. From your post it seems it all feels really scary and mixed up at this point, but your relationship and trust in your T is strong and I bet you'll be able to regain that feeling again really soon.

[(JD)]

I agree that it's important to realize that this wasn't actually a retraumatization, but a flashback. But what you are doing is right, continue to see T and work on it, so you feel safe once again. T is safe. T's office is safe. One reason you could have the flashback is probably because your unconscious knows you are safe there, and could work on it.

Originally Posted by _Sky

I agree that it's important to realize that this wasn't actually a retraumatization, but a flashback.

I guess T described it as a retraumatization because of the reactions I was still having when I saw him at my next appointment. I do get that it was definitely a flashback of some sort. Blech.

I have read of being "retraumatized" while working on trauma in therapy?? But I'm not sure what that means, I guess. I assumed that no actual "trauma" occurred in the therapy session, but that the way the past trauma was handled in session created that wiring in the brain that says "a trauma has happened here".

Most of me DOES get that I am safe with T. His eyes are still way, way scary. But I know he didn't actually do anything. I'm a little frustrated with myself for my reaction, but I am just trying to accept it as something that happened in my therapy, and trying to work through it. 99% of me knows that T is obviously not my abuser in disguise. When he sat next to me and I didn't have to look at him, I could FEEL that it was T, and he was safe.

But those eyes. Blah.

[skeksi]

My counselor has used the term "retraumatized" to describe those times when I get set off and feel the emotions I did during the original trauma. It's not a new trauma, just a resurrection of the old one. It totally sucks.

I know what you mean about feeling both safe and not safe with your therapist. I'm sorry his eyes are scary right now. Sometimes my T has me put a number on how much I trust him, and I'm usually at about 80% trust. That's enough to work with, enough for me to allow him to both push and comfort me, but I do hope it increases.

I hope you're feeling better next session.

[phoenix7]

When I was attacked at work we had a debrief with the staff psych - it was a one off thing where we went through what happened to get it straight in our heads - i saw him once more after that before i got a referral elsewhere - now whenever i bump into him i want to run because im terrified - i know its not his fault - but even almost two years afterwards i get the same reaction - iguess what im saying is that you are doing the right thing sticking with it - work through it so that it doesnt affect you anymore and your T is obviously someone you can trust - i am getting to the point where i will ask to see the staff psych to see if i can "fix" this reacton - something i should have doen a long time ago - you are very brave for doing what you are doing - I wish you well P7