Memorys

Well I put a trigger, but I think any fool knows PTSD is a trigger full stop...the past few weeks have been the worse I've experienced for so long a period and for its intensity...oh god now I know why I drank for so many yrs...last night I wrote a sucide note...all the times I've od'ed before, I'd never written a suicide note, but ohhhhhhh the release I felt writing it...I told T today that I had written one and she said what did you put?? I said, nope ain't saying, but its folded up just-in-case...the feelings lately are off being on alert for attack unyet when you try to formulate where the attack will come from and from whom, its vanishes into thin air, but I said to T, but I just feel it...I sit in the car and look at random people walking along the street and wonder how they got to be the age they are? how come they haven't been hurt??? It don't make sense...I said how all of a sudden I can be sitting in the armchair and the sense that I need to dive, to take cover comes over me...T said and do you?? I said, no how could I explain it.....no one else can see what I see...T said would it help if they could?? I thought that would be easy to answer, that the answer would be YES!!, but then I realised, NO its better no one else can see "it" that way theres a minute chance that perhaps this is all in my mind...though I am not there yet.....I told T about the time as a child another child locked me in an abandoned car we'd been playing in and threaten to set fire to it...I said I feel I am back in that day, that sunday morning that started with so much childhood promise...this child has grown up to become a pyschopath who is in prison now!!...my T see the news story a yr ago when he was shown...I felt validated then...everything I had told her fit....she said he started to terrorise you from an early age?...I said yes, she said thsi was before your home was mistakenly attacked? I said yes...so the my home being wrongly attacked did not help the situation...she said did you not tell anyone what this boy was doing? I said, tell who? I guess I'd learnt from a young age that telling held no value...my adoptive mother couldn't tolerate me being around her so as long as I was out of sight I'd learnt that was all that mattered...T said but I think your daughter who had a situation at sch that has put me back into this place carrys a much stronger sense of strenght inside of her and can deal with what is going on because she does have a mother that she can tell and who will do something and you are experiencing how it was for you, how you couldnt tell and had no one and wasn't able to grow a sense of strenght from the adults around you but grew one out of desperation?? Yes, she is right, when she said today that she cannot understand how my adoptive parents who had such rigid rules in other areas would allow you to play with a boy whom they had said they would not trust in their home??? she sounded angry when she said that and it felt nice...to hear someone show some emotion....I came home today wondering how the hell talking about all of this can help...but perhaps thats the clue, we've got to talk about it...I feel a bit more in the here and now this afternoon, hope it lasts...sigh

You are not alone Mouse.

Huge huge hugs.

Mouse, you are loved
we care and we understand
you are not alone...we walk our solitary paths but they are parallel to others walking their own paths...we have but to reach out and find that reassuring touch.

Cap

HI Mouse_,

You have been through a lot and now it sounds like you have found a good therapist and perhaps a small amount of peace - I am happy for you - talking about things is hard but i have found that once something is out of my head and into words it helps me deal with things and they dont seem quite so bad, still bad but not insurmountable any more, i hope things get better for your soon, you are in my thoughts.

P7