[SpottedOwl]

Complicated story -- trigger warning. Please do not read if you are not in a good place. And, I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum, but I'm not sure where to put this.



Ok..so..here goes...Several years ago I was drugged and raped. When I was found the next day by some friends, they took me to the emergency room and I was barely able to communicate. No one knew what had happened to me and I was not able to talk about what had happened.

During this time, my mother was on the phone with my friends, and she went on and on about there being mental illness in the family, and how she was always afraid that this would happen to one of her children. In other words, it was assumed I was having a break-down because of what my mother was telling people.

The doctors never did a rape kit, and thanks to my mother I was locked up in a psych ward. (This took many months to figure out, looking at medical records, working with T on memories...I have memories of what happened, but they are VERY strange.)

I tried to confront her about this, when I first started to figure it all out, and she got very angry, and stopped talking to me. Fast-forward two years, and I decide it is time to put this part of the trauma to bed. I spend weeks writing a letter to her, telling her what exactly happened to me. This letter is the first time I told her I was raped.

After a month, I finally get a letter back...and I'm FUMING.
I'm not surprised that she refuses to accept responsibility -- but what really hurts is this is the *first time* I told her about being attacked, and she doesn't even acknowledge it!!! This is also the first time I told her about my experience going to the police...not even an 'I'm sorry'. The whole letter is all about how she was so scared, and how she didn't do anything wrong.

I try so hard to focus on positive growth and being compassionate..but all I want to do is throw a temper tantrum. Now, I don't even know why I tried. I'm angry that I shared these details with her, and I'm angry that I'm letting her affect me like this.

*sigh* I don't know what I need -- but I thought maybe reaching out to you guys for some support would help. Thanks for listening.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((( spottedowl ))))))))))))))

I am sorry that she reacted in that way and I am so sorry for what happened to you and the way you were treated afterwards.
Actually I believe that you can divorce your parents or at least legally disown them, if that is a step that you would find helpful. Remember we don't have to be around people that don't treat us right.

[(JD)]

Unfortunately this is more often the result from disclosure. I can only think that it's because if she accepts this happened to you that it reflects upon her as not being a good mother that protected you. It might not be a conscious effort, on her part though.

Don't worry about your memories being the way they are. The brain just doesn't recall things just as they are, and through dreams they are refreshed but can become distorted somewhat. That isn't to say that what happened to you didn't, it has little to do with the actual, total truth.

I'm glad you have your T.
Maybe you can keep the communication channels open with your mom, and educate her as you also learn how to deal with this trauma.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Spottedowl--

I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are and you did not get the validation you deserved and should have gotten. I do understand wanting to disown or divorce your parents. And I think we should have that chance as there are parents out there that do not deserve to be called parents. Hang in there and know you have us here to listen to you and we will be here for you. Talk to your t and keep letting your feeling out. You deserve to be heard.

darkpurplesecrets

[phoenix7]

Hi Spottedowl,

Its hard when you allow yourself to be open with someone who is supposed to be caring and nurturing and the only thing they do is protect themselves - you take the chance and hope that they will show that they really do care when all they sem to care about is themselves - I am sorry you had this experience I know it would have taken a huge amount of effort to let her know what happened and you didnt get the feedback that you needed and deserved - I hope things improve for you - we are here to listen if you need to shout! or whisper...... take care P7

[Sannah]

Owl, I am sorry...... From all of the stories that I have heard this is usually what happens. My belief is that our parents are what got us to this point (either they didn't protect us or didn't teach us that we could protect ourselves, they didn't give us the right upbringing so that we would have coping skills and the ability to problem solve and work through our emotions, etc., or just basically didn't support us enough...) So, therefore, if their lack of parenting got us to where we are then they will not have the personal skills to handle what we need from them at this later point in life.

You can still heal even if your mom doesn't give you validation on this....

[SpottedOwl]

Thank you guys for your support, and for just listening. It did help to get the feelings out and share them here.

I'm surprised that this is a common response to disclosure. But, it also helps to know that it is 'normal' response for many people, and it is not just me. I think today I am more disappointed and the anger has subsided.

I have been working on this with T, spent many months processing, until I decided it was time to write the letter. I felt it was an important step to take, and unfortunately held on to the hope that it might change something. What a lesson about expectations...

I know I can heal without the support of my family. I know they may not have the tools or understanding to meet me where I am. It is just sad.

Thanks again for the kind words! Now, the challenge is to focus on my gratitudes, and to somehow find compassion for my mother. Wish me strength...

[Typo]

((((((((((((SpottedOwl)))))))))))))

I am sorry I don't have words of wisdom to share. I just wanted to let you know I care and I am sending warm postive thoughts to you.

Hugs
Sparrow

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

It is just sad.

Isn't this the truth Owl.... Maybe a little mourning is needed here? I had to come to this same realization. I did not get the parents that I deserved and this was a fact that I had to accept. The sadness does pass.......