[skeksi]

My T has told me, many times, that this is never going to go away. That some parts of the PTSD will never leave me--I've just had them for too long, they've become part of me and can't be undone. Every time I nod, and I understand--intellectually.

But some part of me really believes that no, someday I am going to wake up and be like everybody else. I'm not going to be afraid of being touched, and I'm not going to jump ten miles when there's a loud noise, and I'm not going to get flashbacks any more.

And then something sets me off, and I have a little storm of these awful memories, and it's like a kick in the teeth: I'm never going to escape from this. It's not fair.

I'm not whining, I'm really not. It's just frustrating. How will I know when I'm as better as I'm going to get?

[pegasus]

((((((( skeksi )))))))

With good therapy it is possible to get to a point where the flashbacks no longer have such a huge impact on you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( skeksi )))))))))))))))))
agree with pegasus, keep posting and sharing here - we care

[skeksi]

Yeah, I know (kicks the ground like a petulant child). I hadn't had anything really bad since this summer, but Thanksgiving set me off--and I think I'm gonna be like this until after Christmas (my abuser is a family member). Blecch!

I've just got to remember that although there are periods where my symptoms increase, there are also periods where they decrease--and actually, those episodes are far more frequent.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( skeksi ))))))))))))))))
Hang in there sweetie, like pegasus says with therapy it can get better or that is what my T tells me anyway. I know it's hard to remember that things can get better when you are having a rough time, please be kind to yourself.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I've just got to remember that although there are periods where my symptoms increase, there are also periods where they decrease--and actually, those episodes are far more frequent.

Its hard to remember when you are in the middle of a storm that this has happened before and that you got through it - and I'm prone to a bit of foot stamping myself when I feel a flashback has taken me right back to where i started from - but I think/hope that each time i move a bit further away from what happened and how it affects me - and that while now the dips seem deeper and darker they are not all the time like they used to be -
I think your quote above says it all - it shows there is hope. P7

[Capp]

Originally Posted by skeksi

My T has told me, many times, that this is never going to go away. That some parts of the PTSD will never leave me--I've just had them for too long, they've become part of me and can't be undone. Every time I nod, and I understand--intellectually.

But some part of me really believes that no, someday I am going to wake up and be like everybody else. I'm not going to be afraid of being touched, and I'm not going to jump ten miles when there's a loud noise, and I'm not going to get flashbacks any more.

And then something sets me off, and I have a little storm of these awful memories, and it's like a kick in the teeth: I'm never going to escape from this. It's not fair.

I'm not whining, I'm really not. It's just frustrating. How will I know when I'm as better as I'm going to get?

((skeksi))
jme, but no it doesn't go away completely
mine morphed into an acceptance that no longer destroys most of the peace I've worked hard to get and to keep...I do have an occasional flash of rage/moment of fear, however they do not drain my energy.

in another reply, you mentioned decreasing episodes. I agree with P7 that it shows hope and awareness that you are making progress.
I wanted to have 4.5 hours of therapy, be healed, and solve the worlds' problems...I'm not known for my patience
Once I settled in to therapy, though, I understood that years of abuse were not going to be easy and fast to get beyond them. The word time became like the f word to me...a four letter expletive.

Having to be around the abuser, whether it's a holiday or not, is going to strain your feelings...is there any way you can limit contact?
Please take care of you-First.

Cap

[(JD)]

No, it isn't fair. But few things in life are.

It's a good thing that now you can have waves of triggers come over you, rather than it being constant like I'm sure it had been in the past. No, having the waves or series of hyper vigilance isn't fun, but you can know that this, too, shall pass. You do know it will become easier after the holidays. You can keep that in mind when you feel overwhelmed and it will help you get through.

I wouldn't think constantly about the "forever" part of PTSD. That's how it is for now, and there's no reason to have it in your face to depress you all the time. Remember, the harder you kick against something, the stronger it becomes.

The way it will be, in time, is that those waves of trigger or hyper vigilance will come less and less and will be less strong and weaker... and you won't be living your life around your PTSD. That's what you can have, what you know you can have now... who knows what breakthroughs they might find for PTSD in the future?

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

and that while now the dips seem deeper and darker they are not all the time like they used to be

This is very true, thanks, Phoenix7. It also helps now that I know what these episodes are--before I got treatment, I thought I was just crazy and weird. It helps a lot to be able to name what is going on and to know that it will, eventually, pass.

Originally Posted by Capp

((skeksi))
I wanted to have 4.5 hours of therapy, be healed, and solve the worlds' problems...I'm not known for my patience

Having to be around the abuser, whether it's a holiday or not, is going to strain your feelings...is there any way you can limit contact?
Please take care of you-First.

Cap

I know! I thought I would be done with therapy after a few months. Now I look back at the last few years and see how far I've come--and know I have a long road ahead of me, too.

I only have to be around the abuser for one day--Christmas dinner. There will be other people around, so I know it will be manageable, but I think just the anticipation and dread and memories of bad holidays in the past just builds up. I've got lots of good coping strategies to use this month--I need to start putting them in place. I tend to freeze up and forget what I can do to feel better. Perhaps I need to post them on my fridge so I don't forget, lol!

Originally Posted by _Sky

No, it isn't fair. But few things in life are.
...Remember, the harder you kick against something, the stronger it becomes.

I know life's not fair, but I can get angry about it.

You're right about resistance only making things more powerful. Believe it or not, this post is pretty impressive for me, as I never once criticized myself for the symptoms ("I'm overreacting; I'm making a big deal; I just need to get over it;" etc.) My acceptance is growing, but sometimes I just bend so much to it that I start to snap.

The holiday season is hard for me, as for many others, because I have bad memories associated with it. It is also hard because my support system people are all spending time with their families, so not only am I without their support, I'm jealous because I don't get pleasure from spending time with my family.

I'm sorry I'm not being more appreciative for your support, guys, I'm just cranky. I am grateful you took the time to respond to me so thoughtfully.

[pegasus]

It's ok ((((((( skeksi ))))))))

I think anyone with PTSD has to have a little anger in order to get through stuff...

So many of us struggle at this time of year, I'll be thinking of you, keep safe.

[phoenix7]

[quote=skeksi;885563]It also helps now that I know what these episodes are--before I got treatment, I thought I was just crazy and weird. It helps a lot to be able to name what is going on and to know that it will, eventually, pass.

this was a hard part for me - the waves of emotion would attack me an I had been numb for so long I had no idea what they were - My T actually had to say well thats a fight or flight responce or that's fear - thats hyper vigilence kicking in - it helped a lot to be able to name them but was still frustrating because I wanted them gone NOW!

I thought I would be done with therapy after a few months. Now I look back at the last few years and see how far I've come--and know I have a long road ahead of me, too.

Wouldnt it be nice if there was a table that said - ok for sexual abuse you have ptsd for 3 months, for being attacked 4 months etc and you could say well ok then in 7 months I will be ok again! I think I drove my T crazy with my WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER!!!!!! and he would just say everyone heals at their own time - but i wanted it over NOW and often when I feel im back in the storm that I call PTSD I still stamp my feet and scream inside that I want it over NOW!

I only have to be around the abuser for one day--Christmas dinner. There will be other people around, so I know it will be manageable, but I think just the anticipation and dread and memories of bad holidays in the past just builds up.

Hopefully there will be supportive people there - and lots of people so you can use them as a distraction - I hope it goes well for you.

I've got lots of good coping strategies to use this month--I need to start putting them in place. I tend to freeze up and forget what I can do to feel better. Perhaps I need to post them on my fridge so I don't forget, lol!

dont worry I do the same and then afterwards I wonder why I didnt use the techniques Ive been taught - but you know what - somtimes I do use them and I try to focus on that rather than the times I dont - as my T would say when I whinged about not ahndling something well - You can do better next time - so simple yet it never occurred to me. (and putting them up on your fridge - good idea - I have notes on my cupboards to remind me of my coping techniques and things like - "today will be a good day" on a small whiteboard I got for $2)

I know life's not fair, but I can get angry about it.
yes you can and you have every right to!

You're right about resistance only making things more powerful.
I know but isnt there times when you just want to push back harder even though you know its the wrong thing to do !

It is also hard because my support system people are all spending time with their families, so not only am I without their support, I'm jealous because I don't get pleasure from spending time with my family.(quote)

I agree with that - part of me is jealous and I hate that part - its not who i want to be - its not who i was - but is it jealous? I mean I dont begrudge them their happiness and maybe you dont either - maybe we are just wishing that we too could have a family that would accept us for who we are and who would love and care for us and keep us safe.

Anyway - I've gone on enough - take care P7