Trust Issues

Capp · Feb 15, 2009, 05:42 PM

Thanks Muffy!

"trust in you" adds another dimension in my mind.
I trust myself yet I know others who will question themselves about almost everything. It may be more about approval-seeking, but I think there is an element of not trusting themselves to make the right decision.
So few things are set in stone; yet we continually question whether or not we are doing the right thing.

My hair hurts from thinking so much

Cap

nowheretorun · Feb 15, 2009, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stumpy

trust...such a loaded topic.

for me...i tend to go with my ample gut. being both a survivor of horrific childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) and law enforcement has taught me to follow what my natural instinct tells me. of course i may not always listen to it but usually its right.

i think that many times when something "just don't look right" chances are it ain't. same goes for people.

now this all being said...(and i know it sounds so ice and cut and dry doesn't it?) i must be honest and say because of the childhood from hell i can pretty much say i don't entirely trust anyone. i'm `not proud of this but it just doesn't feel safe. my t is great but there';s things i just can't tell or show her....or let her inside.

i would like to learn to trust and especially heal from some of the hell but i've made so many walls i can't knock them down now.

i am overall a pretty upbeat person. i believe in humor (it has saved me from the brink many times) and try to use it to help others...but sometimes it would be nice to let people know of the pain inside me...but i'm just not sure it's safe.

part of it is the ptsd from the abuse and the law enforcement. i got put into a situation which altho many years earlier than 9/11 was in some ways very similar (altho thankfully without the deaths)...we were trained and trained and trained some more and then told that when this event happened we would be killed by terrorists. not a matter of if just when. everyone in intelligence knew it. it would have been okay had i been a combat trained soldier but i wansn't...i was a law enforcement officer in a federal agency that was about as anti-law enfoecemnt as you could possibly be (most sites still beleived you should carry your weapon in a briefcase and not on your belt). and here i was being trained in hostage negitiations, bombs and explosives, firearms, tactical operations etc. trained for months.

and then just told to stand there and wait...while the world watched. we couldn't go home...slept on a cot, outside...no food or showers or anything...we were stuck. oh anyway...it was the start of many long years of work at this place were the fear never ended.

anyway...got a little sidetracked there...sorry

now i forgot what else i was going to say. damn hate when that hapeens. anyway i so understand the traut issue thingy.

i found a lot of understanding in your post stumpy... a military or police background might alter ones level of trust? Dad was both (retired now) and he also came from the era post WWII, when America was in a golden age of sorts... his attitudes and principles were bolted down and there were few alleys around the main street of correct behavior.. im certain it influenced me tho ive tried being less strict about matters when dealing with people, a gift from my mother, the softer spoken of the two... its not hard to see how i am a blend of their own habits... as a child and young adult, this apparent division caused some confusion but eventually became more of a connection for me, merging into one whole view, a little harsh, a little soft.. instincts are what i have also learned to rely on but i like to use reason as a backup.. gathering a lot of opinions helps me see the whole...

thank you Capp and all

Feb 15, 2009, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Capp

Thanks Muffy!

"trust in you" adds another dimension in my mind.
I trust myself yet I know others who will question themselves about almost everything. It may be more about approval-seeking, but I think there is an element of not trusting themselves to make the right decision.
So few things are set in stone; yet we continually question whether or not we are doing the right thing.

My hair hurts from thinking so much

Cap

((cap))) * trust you too * ok now my hair hurts lolololo
You are right some of it is approvel seeking too..
I am always questioning myself
doing a self check to make sure i did not goof

((nowheretorun))))) having a division with parents would be hard. You have worked threw it well aww

Capp · Feb 16, 2009, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by muffy

((cap))) * trust you too * ok now my hair hurts lolololo
You are right some of it is approvel seeking too..
I am always questioning myself
doing a self check to make sure i did not goof

((nowheretorun))))) having a division with parents would be hard. You have worked threw it well aww

muffy, I should have been more clear about my thoughts. I actually meant that I took the statement "trust in you" as meaning I should trust myself/gut instinct/etc..

nwtr, I didn't have a basis for trust growing up. I had no reference for it. Things were quite bad in that hellhole...
It must have meant that I trusted/expected help from my grandmother to stop the sexual abuse and torture...her answer was if I were not such a bad little girl than he wouldn't do it.
The beating, and being locked in the cellar, that followed my plea meant it was the first and last time of trusting anyone or expecting anyone to do anything about it.
After that I lived on the fringe of what appeared to be normalcy in the FOO.
I didn't know for years that it wasn't my "cross to bear" or "my lot in life." Years before I learned/accepted that I was indeed a worthwhile human being...

In those days, there was so little awareness of so very many things. For sure no one talked about sexual abuse!
Physical abuse was an accepted form of discipline. Reference was almost always made to the spare the rod thing...I cannot remember the rest of it.
I no longer get into any discussion about forgiveness; it is between them and their God.

Trust. A loaded and complex thing, isn't it?
I am still unable to accurately share what I mean by chronic mistrust and acute mistrust.
Obviously they are different but with the same starting point.
But I do believe there are differences.

Cap

nowheretorun · Feb 16, 2009, 07:41 AM

I am still unable to accurately share what I mean by chronic mistrust and acute mistrust.
Obviously they are different but with the same starting point.
But I do believe there are differences.

((Capp)))) anytime your hair gets too tired its ok to take a break

chronic would mean that it never ends, and acute means it is very intense?

understandable after torture and abuse... can end, does end, takes time...

meeting and spending time with loving family and friends (might need to be built up) gives you a view into a different and new life... takes a little trust to start but grows... friends help friends and in that way, over time, build trust...

when we start our life 'behind the 8 ball ' (so to speak) we have to view the table very carefully.. but the 8 ball is still on the table so we take extra precaution.. we can still come back...

best to you always

Capp · Feb 16, 2009, 02:23 PM

My thoughts now are that I've become very comfortable with the state of mistrust.
Chronic in that somethings in the past will never go away; acute to me means it's current...unexpected and ,yes, intense at times.

It's all rolled into a ball of yarn. The beginning is there but it can be elusive to pinpoint it, and it's not a straight piece of yarn.
It's bits and pieces wrapped around each other. New things are tucked here and there, and they have their own shades of unsettling color.

Poor horse!
I've been beating this dead one for far too long

Cap

skeksi · Feb 16, 2009, 04:05 PM

Quote:

My thoughts now are that I've become very comfortable with the state of mistrust

I understand this very well, Capp. It's become our "normal" state. Feeling otherwise feels much more uncomfortable to us--no wonder we are hesitant to do it!

Once I told my counselor he was "too nice." I knew that sounded insane, but it makes sense; I couldn't trust that someone would be helpful without wanting to hurt me, and to try to trust that felt...very, very wrong.

Keep plugging away. You're discovering a lot lately, it seems.

Feb 16, 2009, 04:39 PM

Capp
no worrys you said ((muffy, I should have been more clear about my thoughts. I actually meant that I took the statement "trust in you" as meaning I should trust myself/gut instinct/etc..)))))))
As trusting yourself first and your gut is most important.
As i too go with my gut feeling when i can

muffy

notz · Feb 17, 2009, 01:39 AM

Friends,

The very tactful Capp has broached another layer on the subject of trust...

I'm going to do an end run around and directly ask this question...

What about the intruder that befriends and beguiles those who are unable to recognize a masked interloper?

What obligation do we bear? Is it ours to bear or is it ours to share?

...What about the researcher without ethics???

notz

pegasus · Feb 17, 2009, 07:03 AM

Well I just think you all need to bear in mind that anyone can pretend to be anyone on the internet. I'm not saying this to frighten you but so that you all take care of yourselves. (Don't give out personal information.)

For those that have been badly hurt, you have a mechanism that is suspicious, listen to that, trust your gut but don't push everyone away. There are good people out there.

Best to you all and many hugs.

Capp · Feb 17, 2009, 01:15 PM

Thinking about trust and the Internet is what led me to reexamine my trust issues and how they have changed...
It's good I think to do a bit of an inventory about these things.
Progress is shown along with still being mired in something. It's a chance to get input from others and use what you can to help yourself.

Many posts here are thought provoking, and I like them. I may not agree with them, but it leads me to thinking about my own position/feelings on it.

For sure, we learn from each other.

Cap

phoenix7 · Feb 20, 2009, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notz

Friends,

The very tactful Capp has broached another layer on the subject of trust...

I'm going to do an end run around and directly ask this question...

What about the intruder that befriends and beguiles those who are unable to recognize a masked interloper?

What obligation do we bear? Is it ours to bear or is it ours to share?

...What about the researcher without ethics???

notz

it takes from us the illusion of safety - no place is safe - there is no such place as safe - researchers who come here - do they realise that what they do is like taking a warm blanket from a sleeping child - taking down the rail on a high cliff - some use pc as a safety net - a place to come to when all other doors are closed - do they realise they are partially closing the door - I wonder if they would care.... Trust is hard won and somtimes easily lost -

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