[tablarosa]

I am looking for some insight.

I am a PTSD "survivor???? (not sure if the "survivor" moniker is correct but I am still here so what else???)

Anyway for most of my life my way of coping with situations has been the "flight" mode --- run away...bury my head...make nice..... hoping whatever will go away.

In the past month stuff has just gone upside down.....and all of a sudden I am responding to uncomfortable situations more with "fight" than "flight."

In a way I kind of like it...macabre as that sounds...but I honestly don't know how to reel it in, so to speak.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it?

[sky dancer]

Originally Posted by tablarosa

I am looking for some insight.

I am a PTSD "survivor???? (not sure if the "survivor" moniker is correct but I am still here so what else???)

Anyway for most of my life my way of coping with situations has been the "flight" mode --- run away...bury my head...make nice..... hoping whatever will go away.

In the past month stuff has just gone upside down.....and all of a sudden I am responding to uncomfortable situations more with "fight" than "flight."

In a way I kind of like it...macabre as that sounds...but I honestly don't know how to reel it in, so to speak.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it?

I've had all three as a PTSD survivor: fight, flight and freeze. Freeze is that deer in the headlights thing, or what a mouse does with a cat--playing dead.

I acted out my 'fight' thing on political forums which I got addicted to. There I would go, putting on my sword and shield, considering myself a champion for justice, and deliberately pick the most unpopular political opinion to argue.

This kept me from fighting with people in face to face 'real life'.

What I'm trying to do now, is drop the internet fighting addiction, and it's starting to work.

What always helps me is to do something physical--like a long walk, or a hike or a bike ride. Something that lets me be in my body and be with my feelings--however 'unacceptable' I think they are--and just let it pass through.

It does help to have support--other people with PTSD to talk to--a therapist--sometimes even medication.

What my therapist asks me to do is to find out if what I'm feeling is rage or anger. They're different. Rage comes from being violated, and feeling helpless or impotent--powerless. Rage isn't good to express--because it's more about the violation or hurt--and getting to the more tender feelings helps the rage subside.

Rage can lead to violence--and you don't want that. Either to be violent or to be on the recieiving end of someone else's violence.

Anger can be healthy to express--it can clear the air. Especially if you can communicate skillfully.

I don't know if any of this is helpful--but I'm certainly closely familiar with rage and anger within myself as I go through healing from PTSD.

[tablarosa]

Originally Posted by sky dancer

I've had all three as a PTSD survivor: fight, flight and freeze. Freeze is that deer in the headlights thing, or what a mouse does with a cat--playing dead.

I acted out my 'fight' thing on political forums which I got addicted to. There I would go, putting on my sword and shield, considering myself a champion for justice, and deliberately pick the most unpopular political opinion to argue.

This kept me from fighting with people in face to face 'real life'.

What I'm trying to do now, is drop the internet fighting addiction, and it's starting to work.

What always helps me is to do something physical--like a long walk, or a hike or a bike ride. Something that lets me be in my body and be with my feelings--however 'unacceptable' I think they are--and just let it pass through.

It does help to have support--other people with PTSD to talk to--a therapist--sometimes even medication.

What my therapist asks me to do is to find out if what I'm feeling is rage or anger. They're different. Rage comes from being violated, and feeling helpless or impotent--powerless. Rage isn't good to express--because it's more about the violation or hurt--and getting to the more tender feelings helps the rage subside.

Rage can lead to violence--and you don't want that. Either to be violent or to be on the recieiving end of someone else's violence.

Anger can be healthy to express--it can clear the air. Especially if you can communicate skillfully.

I don't know if any of this is helpful--but I'm certainly closely familiar with rage and anger within myself as I go through healing from PTSD.

Thank you. I really didn't even consider the FREEZE aspect of PSTD. That is honestly where I have been for the past month. I can't even decide what color of socks to wear. I never even considered it (that aspect) being an expression of my PTSD.

And I thank you for delineating rage versus anger. I think I am at rage, not anger. I am going off on the most insignificant aspects of life -- a disrespectful cashier at a store, an unkind remark made by my son.

Rage as a violation is a helpful concept to consider. I have never been truly treated for my PTSD (just my major depression...the two times attempts was made to treat me for PTSD I disassociated and treatment had to be stopped).

I am finally after some dismal 52 years on this planet coming to realize that I need to get this PTSD issue under control before I can address any of the other unsavory aspects of my life (alcohol and eating disorders, relationship problems and crushing depression).

Moving forward....thank you for the hand up.

[sky dancer]

Hey, we human beings are all in the same boat. I'm finding the work I'm doing now with my therapist and using EMDR has made a big difference.

I'm also doing feldenkrais--a form of awareness through movement--and the two modalities are completely complementary. My therapist respects the work on the physical level that the bodyworker does and vice versa.

I wish you all the best with your healing. It really makes a difference to me to read and write to other people who are going through this.

Even though I have a loving partner, friends and a spiritual community--it still takes the courage of a lion to face these ghosts of the past.

Originally Posted by tablarosa

Thank you. I really didn't even consider the FREEZE aspect of PSTD. That is honestly where I have been for the past month. I can't even decide what color of socks to wear. I never even considered it (that aspect) being an expression of my PTSD.

And I thank you for delineating rage versus anger. I think I am at rage, not anger. I am going off on the most insignificant aspects of life -- a disrespectful cashier at a store, an unkind remark made by my son.

Rage as a violation is a helpful concept to consider. I have never been truly treated for my PTSD (just my major depression...the two times attempts was made to treat me for PTSD I disassociated and treatment had to be stopped).

I am finally after some dismal 52 years on this planet coming to realize that I need to get this PTSD issue under control before I can address any of the other unsavory aspects of my life (alcohol and eating disorders, relationship problems and crushing depression).

Moving forward....thank you for the hand up.

[tablarosa]

Originally Posted by sky dancer

Hey, we human beings are all in the same boat. I'm finding the work I'm doing now with my therapist and using EMDR has made a big difference.

I'm also doing feldenkrais--a form of awareness through movement--and the two modalities are completely complementary. My therapist respects the work on the physical level that the bodyworker does and vice versa.

I wish you all the best with your healing. It really makes a difference to me to read and write to other people who are going through this.

Even though I have a loving partner, friends and a spiritual community--it still takes the courage of a lion to face these ghosts of the past.

I have never tried EMDR but I have thought about it. And I am not aware of feldenkrais. I will look into it.

I have a good relationship with my children but my husband and I are very dysfunctional. PTSD has been a shield to hide behind for me in dealing with a very unhappy marriage (can always blame the PTSD, right??? )

But in the past 4 months our home has been upturned completely. First the economy and there went our retirement account (and basically the only reason I was staying). Second his overseas jobs was cancelled and he returned home (lost that buffer) and third our oldest son had to move back home after being diagnosed with leukemia. And I realized that coasting through a relationship or hiding behind mental illness only works in the good times.

So I am here looking for answers. You have been very helpful, and I appreciate it very much