How to cope-help!!!!!

Hi everyone: Just had to vent a little here... I had gone today to see my T.
Well he brought up somethings when we were talking.. See I have been getting anxiety at night when I go to bed.. where I feel I can't breath..
He asked if I had been choked. Well at the time I told him I don't remember... But being here at home some memories came up and all I want to do is cry...
I keep trying to push the feelings down again.. and don't know if this is right to do?
But I don't want to remember them either????
Please can anyone help out there.. on how to cope with this
Corine

It's hard to cope when things come up outside of therapy. I don't know the "right" answer, but I always had to try to balance remaining a functioning human being with facing what terrified me. I settled, most of the time, for recognizing what was coming up and shoving it aside until I could see my T and deal with it.

Can you try writing it down and folding it up? Then it's there, ready for you to bring into T, whether you read it aloud or summarize it. Putting it away, so to speak, until later?

I have gone through the same problems at night and it is horrible. Take gentle care of yourself, if you can.

Well I don't see the T for another month.. he wants me to start amitpriptylin at night to sleep.. and if i'm feeling depressed he wants me to take prozac.. not sure i want to start either one of them?

I want to be able to take control of my life and be me again.. but I don't know who me is anymore??

Continue on your journey and you will find her..........

Thank you .. i have not where else to go but on this journey till its all over..

Healing is on-going. It doesn't just happen in the T sessions--it continues.

I think it's tricky when a T suggests what may have happened to you, and you don't have a memory. That's where you have to rely on your body and feelings to guide you.

And that's not easy either. I'm only speaking for myself. I thought since I'm an 'emotionally dramatic' kind of gal, that meant I am in touch with my feelings.

What working through my PTSD is helping me see, is that I avoid all uncomfortable feelings--anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, grief, vulnerability and I do that by numbing out whenever possible.

For me, arguing on the internet with perfect strangers about politics was an effective way for me to not feel what I was feeling. I used internet political forum posting as a self-medication.

The good news is it's stopped working for me, and I'm finding alternatives. For example, posting here. I post less often, and I am more connnected to my feelings--because everyone else here is healing too.

That helps.

Truth is, I don't have control over my feelings or my memories any more. They arise regularly. It helps if you can make room for them.

I feel as though I'm learning to be a parent for a six month old baby, a three year old, a seven year old, and an angry rebellious fourteen year old.

I'm learning how to pay attention to these inner traumatized children. I had terrible parenting--so I'm having to learn from scratch. How to protect my kids, tune into them, find out what they need and give it to them.

Sometimes they need limits and boundaries--sometimes play, sometimes just attention.

It's part of my therapy homework--that I've resisted--to make time every day to check in with my inner kids and see how they're doing. BTW regarding medication. I take Lexapro which is an anti-depressant and has some anti-anxiety effects. I have a scrip for Xanax to use when I have debillitating panic attacks.