[Elysium]

So I had an appt with my T today. It went fairly well. We talked about some goals for increasing my positive coping skills and decreasing my negative ones and we talked about my fear of people. And this morning when I woke up, I didn't think I had anything decent to talk about today!!

Fear....of people!! Yeah....my whole life growing up I was surrounded by people who would emotionally and psychologically violate me on a daily basis. I was spit on, tormented continuously, tripped, pushed, hair pulled, pinched, thrown into the mud, ignored, completely disregarded, called every name in the book, and treated like I was a disease. This was a daily event...and this was just school life.

Home was no better. Manipulated, berated, ignored, violated, physically attacked, emotionally attacked, spiritually attacked, hit...and the list can go on and on.

So now, is it any wonder that I am terrified to get close to people, or let others get close to me? I am so afraid!! Sure, I can have casual conversation and smile with anyone, but when it comes to trust and truly letting people in, it just won't happen. I love life, and I value people, but I HATE the evil things that human beings are capable of, and I HATE what human beings have done to me. It continues to hurt me and it disgusts me. I don't trust that people will not continue to treat me this way either. Why would they not treat me this way. If they were going to treat me well, why wouldn't they just do this from the beginning?

My T says that no one can do this for me, and that I have to plant the seed and grow it myself. But, honestly, how do you learn to trust people, when you have to trust people to learn how to trust them?

I come here, and I experience support and kindness that I have never known before, and I want to know....WHERE are all of you? Why do you only seem to exist inside my computer? Where do you all go when I open my door and step out into the world? Why can I not find you outside? Why do I feel like I have been locked outside of humanity, and what's the password to get in?

I don't get it.........

[phoenix7]

it was very hard for me to trust anyone - myself included

I looked for motives in everyone and kept everyone at arms distance

Then I met my first real T and I learned first to trust him - then to trust a couple of other people - its slow and hard but you can do it - step by step

The good people ARE out there - I hate it that the people who were supposed to love and protect you and teahc you the world can be a wonderful place were the ones who took that image from you - I hope - in time - you can learn to trust someone

In the meantime - we are here to help if you need us - pm me anytime I can be of assistance or if you just need to talk. (cant do chat - it triggers me - but happy to PM)

[Sannah]

Elysium, your post is very thoughtful (the full of thought one!) and intriguing (it shows the development of your mind).

I am so sorry that you had to suffer so! I volunteer in the school a lot and bullying is one of my interests. The children who get bullied are the vulnerable ones and they are vulnerable because of their home environment (this seems to fit for you too). I am so sorry that some people have no clue how to parent!

There are kind people out there, though. What I found out through my journey to mental health is that when we are mistreated we then feel bad about ourselves and this low self-worth causes us to avoid healthy people. This happens because healthy people look right at you and this can be uncomfortable when you don't feel too good about yourself. Dysfunctional people don't "see" you. I had to learn how to feel comfortable and function around healthy people because being around healthy people is very important.

You were a child when all of this happened to you and children are helpless and their thinking skills are not totally developed yet. You are an adult now and seem like a pretty smart one too! You are more than capable of protecting yourself now. You just have to learn a few skills. This is what I had to do.

Of course continuing to work with your therapist will get you there too!

[bearchic34]

Sweetie we are here all over the world, a lot of us are as damaged as you and don't put ourselves out in public as we do on PC. Taking time, lots of time, to get to know some is all you can do. Keeping in mind sometimes good people still hurt you, even unintentionally. I know myself, when I am hurting inside I lash out and hurt other which is just a vicious cycle and has ran many people out of my life. LK has stood by, even when I am completely a basketcase and keeps the reassurance up. It's taken 13 togethers to build me up to a 'normal' person and it's still a working in progress as you will always be. ~gentle hugs~

[(JD)]

You can, and must, learn to trust people again. But I caution that it is a slow process. It's a step by step, "baby steps" endeavor. If you open up to people before you are prepared with enough self confidence and self care, then any errant trust would do you more harm than good.

By following your T's guidance, you will work on all the areas at once, and slowly regain not only the ability to trust, but the discernment of who is trustworthy, and also the foundation to stand upon should you misjudge someone.

[Sally71487]

the world is indeed full of cruel people, i have experienced it myself as well. I know exactly how it feels to be tortured in school. i had it all my life that it led me to have the name " mute girl" in school. I just figured whatever i had to say meant nothing to anyone anyway. i was beaten up by boys and teased and i am a girl, it was that bad. As many bad people as there are out there, there are so many good people too. All the people you have found here have been hurt just like you or in another way. We all understand what you are going through and how you feel, i think we all felt alone and misunderstood until we found a place where we belong. What happened to you was awful and wrong but you will find that a part of you will grow from it. You find yourself now seeing how you were treated and have a way of helping people who have gone through the things you have. I always believe that karma happens. Whatever wrong doings will be undone and you will have such a happy and amazing life. I know it deep in my heart. Best wishes *Sally