Sanity Score - My score and struggle

So I scored a 55 which makes me fairly sane I guess???

There is a red flag though and it's no real surprise. Self Esteem. It's a 58.

I don't have a very positive self image. I don't think I'm terribly attractive, I have to swim with a shirt on, I don't ever think I'm good enough or wonder why my fiance is with me. I really need to hear from others that I'm loved and reaffirm the good things I do. It's nice to hear but I know it's a burden to those around me sometimes.

About me. Grew up fairly normal. When I was about 5 or 6 I was touched very inappropriately by a teenage boy from down the street. I told my parents when it happened but nothing was ever talked about. It was just swept under the rug. I'm not sure that it had any lasting effects but figured it might be worth mentioning. Parents divorced when I was about 10, I went with mom. My dad never talked much. I honestly cant remember him telling me he loved me one time when I was a child. Mom was affectionate and fun but went through several relationships. The first time I remember my dad telling me he loved me is just a few years ago when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm almost 38 now. When I go visit him we just sit in awkward silence. We might talk about whatever sporting event is going on but nothing deep. My son is 14 and my father has not once baby sat or done anything with him just the two of them. I didn't date in high school. I've always been the person with only 1 or 2 good friends and thats all. When I joined the military I married the first person that let me have sex with her more than once. She cheated repeatedly starting as soon as within a month of the wedding and didn't stop for 15 years. I would come home to different boyfriends. I thought marriage was forever and everything just had to be worked through. I took the blame for her affairs because I left her alone when I was deployed. I got out of the military thinking it would stop and we could be happy. It never stopped. We had a child. Things were good for a while but she would slowly drift right back into her ways. Her alcohol and pot use ramped up over the years and my breaking point was me uncovering an affair with my best friend and neighbor that had been going on a long time. She was very manipulative and abusive. I would hear constantly how I need to make more money, what I needed to do for her, to her, and everything I do wrong. After a few years I just accepted I was a piece of ***** and lost all will to fight.
After the divorce I got my son the house and pretty much everything. I'm extremely shy and introverted when I would go out I'd sit quietly and entertain myself with my phone or just by people watching. Every time I go out with my best friend she constantly asks me "Are you ok?" and I am. I think I'm content but I've completely lost the ability to have fun. I'm scared to look like a fool dancing, singing, scared to drink and let loose.

I know thats a long story and I could probably go on and on but you can probably see what a mess I am..

How can I work on my self esteem / self image? I'm not the same person I was at 19 (before marriage) I used to be fun.. I have my moments now but they are rare.

Hi. welcome to PC....the best way i have found to work on my self esteem is to build a file cabinet of good things about me. the best thing is you only have to start with one thing. what is one strength that you have? an indisputable fact? for me, it was that i am a good writer, professional writer, not poster, lol....no matter how down on myself i was, i could always say..and believe...cause you have to believe it..that i was a good writer. i write excellent reports for the court...i have court documents where the judge has stated how good they are to prove it...so that is my indisputable fact. so any time i criticized myself about something, i could say, yeah but, youre a really great writer to contradict the negative thing i said about myself. then i could add that i was helpful to others, i was great at my job, my boss really cared about me. the list just kept getting bigger and bigger. i would file away compliments to use and eventually i had a whole file drawer of good stuff. it ends up getting easier and easier. a simple tip to remember is when you do good, you feel good so make choices that are going to make you feel good in life. when you feel good, your self concept goes up.