[Carmina]

Sanity score 149
Autism score 38

I don't know how I get through each day, but so far each day I have managed to, even though some days I'm in pieces inside (sometimes outside too but I hide that) - I'm just really good at compartmentalising and since I don't really matter I can just focus on what needs to be done and do it - it's actually quite liberating.

My job is almost trivially easy in many respects - most of my mental energy is taken up dealing with people - I have to invest lots of energy into modelling other people's behaviour so I don't get stuff wrong. And stupidly I took on a career where I come into contact with people lots - I'm a University lecturer and a therapist (mental health professional for Christ sake!!) - a pretty successful one on the face of it - but every day I think someone's going to catch me out, I'm such a faker, I'm just a lie, there is no real me.

Really not sure where to go with this, I'm extremely depressed right now, feeling suicidal daily, and entertaining the possibility I might, after 56 years, actually be autistic is really scaring me. No one told me this but it all makes sense, I had no friends at school, my parents occasionally tried dragging me to kids houses that I had no idea who there were to make friends, I never made friends, never played with other kids, and still don't. I have no close friends, several superficial relationships, mainly through work and activities I make myself do to keep connected and active (because if I'm not active and don't have a structure of some sort I really don't cope well).

[Carmina]

That being said I have some reasons to question that autism score.l For one I am extremely empathic, if anything too empathic, I tend to soak up other people's feelings and take too much to heart. I do isolate myself but I always thought that was more down to social anxiety, low self esteem and fear of rejection. So I would take it with a degree of caution. Same with the "Sanity' score - going by that I would have half a dozen different conditions not just anxiety and depression but also bipolar, BPD and even possibly an eating disorder. I think these tests err too much on the side of caution and over diagnose. However it is certainly the case that I am having more difficulty that I have mad for a long time keeping everything together, I have always maintained a very effective false front but right now it is cracking and taking a lot of energy trying to keep going.

[Carmina]

So I did the BPD test too now - 28 - Borderline Personality Disorder Likely. At this rate I will have everything going

Seriously though, I hope some people don't interpret these scores too literally - they are not a diagnosis, but still may be confusing for someone less aware of what these conditions actually are.

Having a bad day today though - all this stress is setting off my IBS now too, feeling too low to even exercise today or yesterday either - I had a country walk planned yesterday but I backed out of it. Didn't feel up to it but I know it would have done me good, fresh air and exercise have been the only things keeping me alive the last few weeks, most of my other activities (painting, creating music, gardening) have pretty much dried up I feel so useless at everything and unmotivated.

I have a Yoga class in a few hours - I will try and push myself to go to that at least

[Fuzzybear]

[Carmina]

Got to my Yoga session - that helped, even though I'm a mass of knots and not very well coordinated I had to get dressed and get out.

[Carmina]

Seeing a CPN on Monday for the first time - I have a mental health nurse!

Hopefully he will refer me for some proper therapy

149 - what a tangle

[Carmina]

There are 3 things I need to untangle really. I have known I have had depression, occasionally major, and with associated GAD and panic attacks for many years. I also know if it wasn't for certain 'protective factors' I would have been more actively self harming, although that didn't stop me doing this in less overt ways (eg through self neglect). It is very likely I also have PTSD given my childhood experiences and presenting symptoms. However my score, which to a large extent poses questions I have asked myself before, suggests my situation may be more complex.

1) My mother may have had bipolar herself and I am wondering if I have this too. My depression has never really responded well to the usual antidepressants, I've tried many of the main ones and a couple of more esoteric ones like Agomelatine. The only one that made a major improvement was Mirtazipine and tbh that was largely more because it helped me get a good nights sleep and with some of the anxiety. SSRIs made me more anxious, very nervy, and messed up my sleep. I have some uncertainty though as I do not have manic episodes, at most hypomanic, and not prolonged, whereas the depression is. On the other hand I do know when I feel well on occasion it can very easily lead to me over estimating what I can do, taking on too much at work, and feeling like I can do anything I set my mind to. Sometimes I feel like my mind is just racing away, at those times I can be extremely creative at work and especially in my research. Unfortunately it never lasts.

2) There is also the question of whether or not I sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum. My autism test core is 38. My brother has Aspergers and I would say many of the males in my family exhibit ASD traits. We are all pretty geeky, don't socialise well, prefer intellectual pursuits, and find small talk extremely hard. I have an amazing amount of difficulty remembering names and faces and yet my mind recalls the smallest detail of factual information - I can read a text book and pick up the gist of it instantly and sometimes it gets annoying how easy it is for me to recall things like the botanical names of some obscure plant but not the name of a person I have met several times. I do however have good social skills (but just not social confidence or smalltalk) and am very empathic (in fact extremely so) which doesn't fit the pattern. Also I have to say my brother uses his diagnosis as an excuse for not taking responsibility for his appalling behaviour too often.

3) The third issue the test brings up is 'borderline traits'. My BPD test score is 28. I can see how my fears of abandonment and emotional fragility could fit this diagnosis but to be honest I have considerable skepticism around 'personality disorders' and feel this is often over diagnosed and that the criteria are dubious and in some respects also sexist. Psychiatry is unfortunately still in the primitive classificationist stage of development. However again I do have this resistance to anti depressants.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Seeing a CPN on Monday for the first time - I have a mental health nurse!

Hopefully he will refer me for some proper therapy

149 - what a tangle

CPN seems to think bipolar .....

Still unsure

Didn't like at all the fact that the community mental health team is based in an old mental health hospital (a so called 'asylum'). So forbidding and frightening. I can't think of a worse place to put a mental health service for patients to have to come and visit as outpatients - sort of like making holocaust survivors come and visit Auschwitz.

[Carmina]

Oh crap, I think it was a mistake to discuss that possibility with CPN. He just jumped on it straight off - not a good sign. I think he might try and pressure me to go on meds if therapy doesn't help, not keen on meds. I hate the depression but also like my creativity when not blunted by meds.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thinking of you. Take care.

[Carmina]

Thankyou - I am leaning towards rejecting the possibility of bipolar now - I think complex PTSD seems like a better fit with my symptoms and experiences. The problem with bipolar is it risks pathologizing my creativity and few occasional periods of relative clarity. I refuse to accept that.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I understand. I have friends with the same concerns, about creativity.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Carmina

So I did the BPD test too now - 28 - Borderline Personality Disorder Likely. At this rate I will have everything going

Seriously though, I hope some people don't interpret these scores too literally - they are not a diagnosis, but still may be confusing for someone less aware of what these conditions actually are.

Having a bad day today though - all this stress is setting off my IBS now too, feeling too low to even exercise today or yesterday either - I had a country walk planned yesterday but I backed out of it. Didn't feel up to it but I know it would have done me good, fresh air and exercise have been the only things keeping me alive the last few weeks, most of my other activities (painting, creating music, gardening) have pretty much dried up I feel so useless at everything and unmotivated.

I have a Yoga class in a few hours - I will try and push myself to go to that at least

Don't worry. I had a score of 186! And I'm still here...

I agree with your opinion; these 'test' results can scare people. As you say, the creators have to over-diagnose, just in case.

[Carmina]

Pretty sure now the almost perfect match for my history and symptoms is CPTSD, I can see why that could also throw up possible BPD and BP presentation, and it explains both my resistance to anti depressants and my serious attachment and abandonment issues, my panic and anxiety and almost constant scanning and hyper awareness of every environment. Even explains why I'm such a light sleeper, the smallest sound can wake me, often in a state of fear.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's funny, I have very similar symptoms. You're right... they can fit lots of disorders. I feel for you.

I can only speak about myself, but in some ways, it was easier to see myself as having BPD or multiple personalities etc than accepting the truth... that I just had extremely low self-esteem.

That's been hard to grasp, and I've spent a lot of time fleeing it.

It's flared up recently due to an angry boss. That's why I recently joined the forum. She exposes my weak defences (following a frightening childhood). It's pretty humiliating. But, it is the truth, so that's that.

[Carmina]

I do have mood swings though, and I guess there are times I don't judge my limits well when I feel good, I tend at those times to take on too much although this is also partly because I'm rubbish at saying no

[Carmina]

I now have a therapist

She's an art/creative embodied therapist - just what I need (less talk more do)

So I can paint and write in sessions and discuss previous works

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

That's great news!

[Carmina]

I didn't think to try breaking the score down before:

General Coping 68
Life Events 44
Depression 84
Anxiety 70
Phobias 92
Self-Esteem 92
Eating Disorders 55
Schizophrenia 0
Dissociation 25
Mania 65
Sexual Issues 19
Relationship Issues 0
Alcohol 0
Drugs 17
Physical Issues 50
Smoking Issues 0
Gambling Issues 0
Technology Issues 88
Obsessions/Compulsions 75
Posttraumatic Stress 83
Borderline Traits 54

I'd have thought sexual issues would have been higher

Relationship Issues is 0 simply because I avoid them these days - but that's not exactly healthy really

Are there some baselines or cutoffs for these?