alternatives to meds?

hi again all. i spoke to my gp again as my psychotic cycle is returning, the aggression, the anger at nothing in particular, the blind rages, the depression, urges to self harm, tearfulness, and a full psychotic episode the other night (at least she thinks so). i have fairly classic mixed state and am good enough to be able to tell when it's sliding out of control - but not so good at doing anything proactive about it. in this case i do't want to do anything until i feel well equipped with info enough to be able to stand my ground on meds that i hate taking. these are the dosages i'm supposed to be on...

i've been on lithium for about 6 years, current dosage 1000mg/day but i've not always been on that dose.

i'm also taking valproate 500mg/day, have been for about 18 months

amitripytiline 25mg - this is fairly new, 6 months i guess

occasional antipsychotics

the problem i have is that recently taking these meds has made me really nauseous - to the point where i'm actually throwing up a lot of times. this has only been happening for a while but it's got to the point where i've virtually stopped taking the meds. the sick feeling is stopping me sleeping - not that i sleep much anyway but one more thing to stop me sleeping i don't need - i'm on about once a week or so i think, although it's sporadic and not regular. i don't know why this is - part of me suspects it's psychological - i'm sick of the illness, i'm sick of the meds and this is a manifestation of that, but also it's the taste and smell of the pills - *shudder*

i've spoken to the gp about this - i was discharged by the psych team when my pdoc left and i was well enough anyway - and her solution is to give me anti nausea pills. she recognises that this isn't ideal and said it's just temporary while she discusses with the psych team. i spoke to her again today because i think what happened the other night wasn't right at all and she agrees - plus with the return of the weird mood cycles i'm worried.

i only went on valproate initially becausei heard it was a less physically wearing alternative to lithium. i was sick of the physical effects of lithium, antipsychs and benzos. i've ended up with something like ME because my immune is so suppressed (apparently by the chemicals/toxins) and my muscles have got so tense over long periods of mania with no exercise due to being in locked wards that my joints are all really bad, requiring steroid injections etc. the last time i was sectioned in 03, i persuaded the then pdoc to switch me to valproate but then got unsectioned and discharged myself before switching fully. but the combination of the two did seem to help for a while, i've been pretty well almost 2 years, apart from the occasional minor thing.

but part of me is worried that if i'm going again it will all be blamed on me (esp by my parents) for not taking my meds - hence am a bit scared of talking to the doc again. but on the other hand i don't see how i can be blamed for not wanting to take something that makes me feel so unwell. where is the balance? and i don't believe this is side effects because they normally come and go early on, this is 6 years into the treatment and sudden.

*finally gets to the point*

so are there any alternatives to lithium and valproate? i mean alternatives that don't make you feel like you've been 10 rounds with tyson? that don't give major headaches, joint pain, muscle ache, and that don't batter the immune system into submission? because at the moment getting a constant bout of flu is not helping matters and feeling this moody and sick and flu-like is not making me feel good...

anyone have any advice/ideas/input? please? it would be much appreciated x