[circles5]

hi there.

i'm a musician.. and well, thats really what keeps me going.

i've for a while now been using Benzos on and off...
Cloneazepam and Diazepam.
they really work for me, keep me from flipping out, giving me relief from my non-stop GAD, and stopping me from entering full on panic attacks.

However, i have started to notice that when i'm on it; my mind feels dulled (cognitively)
and i can't play music properly... - its like i'm overly sedated, or in a fog.
(and this is on a pretty low dose)
i can go through the motions of playing, but it doesn't have the 'Flair' or excitement that i usually put into my music...
it just becomes kindove bland, and 'so so..'

i'm terrified that this may become permanent with continued use.
as music is all i have going for me. - i'm actually pretty good.
and it's my one and only passion, has been since i was 8 years old.

whenever i try to play on valium; it just feels 'loose' - not lively, tight and interesting.
i can't do things i could {the} few days ago when i was not taking valium.
Dulled is the best way to put it, and un-inspired

^sad thing is; they help me so much.. i'm able to actually have a life on valium and not be boxed into a corner.
But music is life for me.
if i don't have music, i don't see a point to my existance.

so i realllly don't know what to do on this.
i think i might just go with opiates; as they calm me down (not as well as benzos) but they don't screw with my cognitive abilities.

and i know benzos are no cure, i need to get to the root of my anxietys and sort them out,,,, but on occasion they really have saved me...
but ruining music would be the end for me,

so i think i have really run out of options.
SSRI's make me crazy and hospitalized.
Benzodiazepams; cognitively F* me up and consequently my only passion in life (music).
guess that leaves Beta blockers.... but they're primarily for physical symptoms... - and all my mess is in my head.
and then opiates.
plus herbals.

of course mediation is the key, and C.B.T.
but i'm often in too much of a bind to even approach such avenues.

i think i'm going to go the herbal route from now on..
it's always been kind to my mind.

i'd love to hear anyone elses thoughts on this,, as i have a tendency to get locked into a pessimistic viewpoint and be unable to shake it or 'see the light' e.t.c

cheers
cx

[circles5]

and to clarify... i'm not certain that this is even benzo related..
i'm currently trying to kick cannabis.... for a few days at a time - which could very well be the cause in its entirety..

so be mindful; that i'm scrambling for answers; and not necessarily barking up the right tree.

for instance i just had a jam (drumming out a 'beat')
and all was dandy

but i took the valium seven hours ago, so its mostly worn off (at least my awareness of it being currently active)
i really would love this to just be weed withdrawal fog/apathy.
as i don't wanna say goodbye to benzos as they are amazing for controlling my anxiety when it gets out of hand.

just wandering what everyone elses thoughts are on how it effects your cognition.

cx

[cool09]

You are taking one kind of benzo or more than one kind? If I had a choice of being edgy and anxious or being more sedate I would choose the latter. Anxiety can really mess with your head and energy. I'm a musician, too and they certainly don't mess with cognitive abilities like anti-psychotics and/or mood stabilizers do. And benzos have to be adjusted every so often. Lithium has made my hand shake a little or gives me poor control and has messed up my handwriting skills but don't notice it on the guitar.

[RedBarchetta]

I really don't know - honestly, this is the first time I am hearing about such a thing...But I know that type of frustration believe me!
Don't know what exactly you are on, but for my GAD, Xanax was no good (took a pretty high dose to help) - BusPar worked wonders though (oh and I am hard to please). That may help you......

[max23]

Maybe you want to give some natural supplements a shot?

[sewerrats]

Do what most musicians do before a gig, have a couple of drinks to chill.

[DePressMe]

benzos were bad for me (I'm a painter, glass blower, sculptor). Other meds worked better for me. Beleive it or not--haldol and seroguel at low doses helped me (i also have other symptoms). I say it does not hurt to try other things. Benzos over a long time period can be hard on your brain (as most meds).

[sewerrats]

an experiment with prozac 30 year ago with an artist an a musician out of new order , took a prozax 20mg experiment for 1 year has both were deppresives. After a year the artist paintings had lost there tragic theme and were bright and light, the musician songs were no more about death and drugs , both were 20 pounds heavier, loved the way they felt but not the way they looked an it created a danger to there career has they lost there gredability in there themes of work.

[venusss]

May be off topic... but I personality hate when a angsty, dark artist gets happy.... their music or art becomes... generic, boring fluff. Their happy stuff doesn't feel legit most of the times.

Not saying it's worth to be depressed to create good art though.

[sewerrats]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

May be off topic... but I personality hate when a angsty, dark artist gets happy.... their music or art becomes... generic, boring fluff. Their happy stuff doesn't feel legit most of the times.

Not saying it's worth to be depressed to create good art though.

Not really off topic, most genius are mentally ill thats what gives them the edge, take away the edge no more greative work. My hero RAY DAVIES of the kinks , hospitalised many times with depression , Liric,s to die for where do the come from but a damaged brain.

[Ms.Beans]

I'm very sensitive to medication.. so most of it blocks any kind of creativity. I have to take antideps and betablockers to make my life manageable, but those are the lesser evil. By the by, Beta blockers work well for my anxiety, I rarely have panic attacks nowadays. You should give them a go. Also, when I was quitting weed, my anxiety and insomnia got absolutely horrible.. it gets easier after a month or two (smoked for 6 years).