Scary!, Getting Closer.

You know how you can read a book about our defenses, and you nod your head and think you understand it, and how you haven't yet really experienced just like the books says, well I think something is beginning to happen that I've read about and heard about but never related it to my experiences as such, my experiences all seem rather rapid and fast and just a big ball of "mess" lets say.

Suddenly though, I get a flash of feeling, a feeling of being closer to T, of the time we have been building our relationship is beginning to become more intimate, she seems to be able to be more light hearted with me at times, perhaps this stems from an email exchange we had recently where I was venting my frustrations at never being able to stretch out on her couch like others and she replied saying sorry she shouldn't tease me over that, and shes sorry if she is invalidating the work I do, do and that face 2 face therapy is just as valid as lying down therapy, and I replied saying I didn't feel she was invalidating my work, nor does her "teasing" bother me, its my own frustration at my own fears that I was talking about and she replied that that was clearer for her now and hoped it was for me also.

since then our "back and forth teasing" has felt more freer, which brings into play another dimension to "me and T" and brings in feelings of shared camaraderie, that scares me, its like she feels safe to come toward me more now and I am very aware of this and its so nice, but also so weird and so, so scary, I am terrified of getting closer to her, and I'd never experienced it like this before, normally I just pull away, sabotage or argue or do something without no insight what-so-ever of why I am doing it, now its like getting closer is in slow motion, so vivid, almost like a ballet movement, I can see it, I am part of it, we are part of it together, and that is terrifying. I guess because my adoptive mother never was able to get close to anyone her self so I have never experienced what getting close to someone really feels like, its such a new feeling. At times when I allow myself to bathe in the thought of it, I feel tears of joy coming, like hey, look, I am a real person after all, I am not wooden, I can talk, and walk just like all the other children. I'm going to bring this up tomorrow in session with T.

Wow, that feels so intense! A wonderful feeling, yet so scary....

Mouse,

That's a beautiful explanation of the experience of drawing closer, like a beautiful, slow-moving dance. Since you used to pull away, argue, distance, etc., you're making a lot of progress to be able to participate in this slow progression toward greater closeness with your t. That's wonderful to hear!

Good insight Mouse. I know exactly what you are talking about. Do you think your fear might come from getting hurt in the past? Any fear coming from how you might feel about yourself and that if she gets close enough she will see everything about you?

Sannah, Yes of course. My fears are so stereotypical that its almost laughtable. The closer i get, the more I fear I have to loose, I can't seem to see it another way such as, that even if or when I do loose her, I've gained such a lot, my mind is so familiar with rejection and abandoment, that it struggles to register anything that opposes that.

Oddly enought, I mentioned about fear of T suddenly dying and me not having gotten enought of her. She at first tried to calm my fears by mentioning all her family are long lived and she doesn't plan on dying, but she did add, that she felt that I did already have enought. I took that to mean that I a fine now and can leave therapy, she replied, no I mean I think what we have done so far here is enought for you to be able to survive if I died by working it through with someone else, and she added that she of course had numbers of people who would really work with me in the event of her not being able too, but no she said, she didn't feel I was ready to leave therapy and then with a smile she said, and no I am not telling you to go work with someone else LOL!< I laughed and said, you know where my mind is going already LOL!!

You will work through these fears Mouse, little by little. If anyone can work through anything it would be you!

I'm this way too. Lets not get too close 'cause I don't want to miss you when your gone.