[sittingatwatersedge]

from a recent post >>> i just dont know if its healing, for me to rely on someone else. maybe it's like... trusting someone is good, but it also feels like i've given over all my power now, and i want it back. i feel hopeless without that control, and trusting pdoc feels like it's taken away all of my control. and now i feel dependent on him, and i'm acting as if i'm dependent on him, and being dependent on someone is abhorrent to me. i think he might be sick of it also. <<<

((((((((((((((( to the person who said this )))))))))))))) thanks so much for coming with me to see T yesterday! You know how I went in there with immense frustration, anger, impatience. I have turned over the keys to my interior life, and I wanted my keys back.

Without your help, I would never have cried in T's presence; a first for me in 18 months. By the time I left, I felt only peace, and gratitude for her light and help.

She asked me, as I was leaving, why it was only now that the tears came - I fight so hard against them & we both know it - I told her because it means vulnerability; in my growing up years I was powerless, vulnerable, and I will never let it happen again.

Then to my surprise I asked if I could give her a hug - and she gave me her radiant smile, opened her arms wide, and I did it.

on the way home it occurred to me that I have it all wrong; vulnerability is a necessary part of trust; it is distrust that dries up my spirit and makes me hide away from people, from life. I was never allowed to have needs but I do NEED someone to help me come out of the shell, to trust, to live while I still have time to live.

for your help, I can only give you this - please don't make any decisions when you are upset; at a moment like that you have a very bad counselor. Wait till you are in a moment of peace and then decide if a change is in order.
Oh yes, and I can give you a hug with all my heart. wishing you gentle peace

[Sannah]

SAWE I am confused, is all that you wrote your experience?

[deliquesce]

oh goodness, SAWE, i am positively radiating delight and warmth at what you just shared. that's so special, and i'm getting a bit teary from how happy and proud i am for you. well done!!! it's *you* who's done all the hard work, put in all the effort, to get where you did. i'm really, really happy for you .

and yes, you are right - i think vulnerability is a part of trust. i think, for me, the issue might be that now that i trust pdoc, i'm also starting to want him to fix *everything*, even the bits i used to fix by myself. or... i don't know. it just feels disturbing to me that i want to call him up between sessions to reassure myself things are ok (i see him weekly). when i first started with him, i'd see him maybe every 2-3 months, and i would take care of myself in the meantime. so it's a bit like - where did that independent deli go? the one who could pull herself up, brush herself off, and soldier on. because now when similar events happen, instead of relying on myself, the first thing i do is reach out to pdoc. i'm quite confused right now if that's a good thing or not.

but - thank you darling girl for your post. you are right - making decisions from a place of hurt isn't likely to result in wise decisions. i'm feeling a lot more calm now, and i think i will poke my head into the therapy room tomorrow (body might be planted firmly in the hallway, in case i need to make a quick escape!).

i'm really touched that you would share your insight and that you remembered me to want to direct a bit of gentle guidance my way. i hope other ppl who are similarly stuck with this weird trust/vulnerability push-pull thing can gain strength from your post also.

more than anything, though, i'm so proud of your achievement. i'm actually a bit surprised at how warm with pleasure i feel inside (it's a aussie winter here... not so cold as you guys would get, i'm guessing, but far too cold for a sun-loving deli). i'm definitely stealing (no questions here ) both you and P7's blanket to take with me to T tomorrow. i might be induced to go fully into the room if there is a heater there.

SAWE, that is so awesome! Way to go!

I have it all wrong; vulnerability is a necessary part of trust; it is distrust that dries up my spirit and makes me hide away from people, from life. I was never allowed to have needs but I do NEED someone to help me come out of the shell, to trust, to live while I still have time to live.

SAWE, wow - I can so relate to this! My T and I have identified that I have major trust issues, and I don't like to be seen as vulnerable in front of anyone! I haven't cried yet in therapy, but T and I have discussed the fact that I do want to let those emotions out, I feel them inside and I want to let them out, but I always stuff them back down. I am really warming up to my T, so that's good - I truly am trusting her more now. As T puts it, I have a hard time letting others take care of me. My goal is to have a session with T like the one you had! Congrats!