I had a good session yesterday. We talked a lot about my T1 and how I am still stuck. She wants to do some mild EMDR on me holding on to buzzers while I talk about what happened.

The thing I am thinking about now is how in the past when my parents were verbally abusive to me, I didn't hold them in a high regard, so I didn't internalize their negative views of me. So in spite of going through some horrible abuse and torture, I still had my self confidence about myself. I knew I was okay, not crap like my parents said.

But the thing is, I internalized the good things that T1 did to help me. I became even more functional in the world and I truely trusted him and he was like my rock in my world when I had nobody or nothing to hang onto. But when T1 said those horrible mean things to me, I took it to heart and believed him. I died that day and went into a deep depression for almost 2 years. He told me that if I died he wouldn't come to my funeral and that he didn't care about me. I felt that if even my own T doesn't care about me, I must be nothing but crap. I tried to rationalize on why he said what he did, but it still hurt me deeply. I trusted him and respected his views, and when he said those things, it smashed me.

My current T told me that she cares and loves all her clients and she couldn't do her job right if she didn't . She talked about how hard it is for a T when a client dies, no matter what the cause. I told her that she is going to be a T for a long time, and she isn't going to be able to go to every ex-clients funeral if they died, (especially a T) it has to be one of the meanest things ever. She said, yes it was mean. She told me my ex T should have seeked consolatation concerning his feelings for me and he should have been in therapy himself for his issues. His issues got in the way of my therapy and harmed me and my T said that is exactly what they are not suppose to do, EVER. T1 messed up on so many levels, and now I am paying the price of those mistakes.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am okay, and I am a worthy person, but it is so hard to get my T1 comments out of my heart. I feel like a very unworthwhile human because of him. I feel like I wasn't even worthy of a T to care about me and that if I died, I wouldn't matter at all to him. The worst part of all is that I really like him and had respect for him.So it really sucks when someone like that tells you that you mean nothing to them.

[winterbaby]

I'm glad you had some validation for your feelings with the current T, about T1. You will work through this, it will just take time and patience with yourself. You might need some sort of closure, some significant act to close the door on the last T. Some people, like when they get divorced or something, have a ceremony or something to mark the end. Maybe you could do something like this with your current T, something symbolic to close the door on the T that hurt you. It won't help 100% but it can help some. I went through something, not what you went through, but something that hurt me once and I symbolically burnt his business card to signify THE END lol

[MINIME]

I am so sorry u were hurt like that. I have been hurt in the past by two t's one was so devestating. It is hard to believe again. Good t's are gifts.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((exoticflower))))))))))))))))))))) It sounds like you are working really hard and getting to the point where some deep healing can begin. I know it's painful, but it's good too.

I'm glad you have your new T

[deliquesce]

i do like winterbaby's suggestion. old-T did hurt me (nothing as callous as what you went through, i think old-T thought he was trying to help) but i terminated in that session itself. i still feel really awful about what went on, and i'm quite angry at him, but i still cannot bring myself to toss his business card out, or at least take it out of my wallet.

(((Exoticflower))) it's the people we trust who can hurt us the most - i think you've learnt that lesson quite painfully . but it's also the ppl we trust who can help us grow, and it sounds like your new T is worthy of your trust. she doesn't sound at all like she takes you, or your worth, for granted.

Thanks WinterBaby,

I am not sure what kind of closure will work . I still feel a part of him will be with me forever and I don't know if I can kill that part of me. Sometimes I wish I could physically cut it out of me, I know that sounds gross, but that is how it feels, like a cancer. It used to feel good and comforting.

Hi Minime,

It is good to hear from you! What is it with T's? Should it be THAT hard to find a good one that is ethical ? Thanks for your support, as always. I hope you are okay... I know you have been having a hard time.

Thanks Treehouse,

Healing is scary for me I think. It is scary for me to become vulnerable with another T again. But I want the pain to go away. Simple enough, but oh so hard to do... Thanks for you support.

Deliquesce,

How long has it been for you? I fired him too after that one session. I still have some stuff of his too that it has been hard for me to part with, some CD's that he burned for me, a prevent child abuse bracelet, and a short note. Maybe I need to let some of that stuff go... I don't know. I just want to get to the place where I feel comfortable with breathing the same air that he does in this world. I am feeling so sad tonight. I just want to be okay in this world, knowing he is in it too.

There is this song that I feel represents on how I feel about him, not in a romantic way, but an energy spirit type if you know what I mean.

Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go
I don’t know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go