[lifelesstraveled]

Several weeks ago T and I were trying to figure out where my negative thought about myself stem from. I told her I had absolutely no clue, but I think I have figured one of the reasons why I think of myself as inherently bad and that there is nothing good about me.

Growing up I was made to feel that way if I said or did something "bad" or "mean" to my sister. 99% of the time everyone would wag fingers at me making me feel like I was the bad guy (Most of the time it was my sister who started it and I was just reacting to what she did or said). But when my sister did something "mean" or "bad" to me, no one said a word to her. I remember mentioning this to her years ago, before college I think. I asked her, "why is it every time I do or say something to you that is considered mean or bad, everyone jumps at me, but when YOU do the same thing to me no one says a word to you?" She looked at me and smiled. She knew I was right, so she always got a way with treating me like ****. I remember at some point my mom said something along the lines of "well, J is the underdog". So I am thinking, now that I am older and able to make some sense out of it, if you are constantly treating my sister like the underdog all the time, and making me feel like the devil's spawn, even though most of the time it was just plain sibling quarrels, what does that make me? The underdog no one gives a damn about. I liked to think my sister and I were pretty much treated the same, but I always saw just a slight difference in the way she was treated. It may not have been much, but it was enough. Now, I am living feeling and thinking there is nothing good about me. I have yet to figure out what I did exactly though to make them look at her as the underdog and me like some kind of reject...

I wonder if I should share this with T. I am sure she would like me to, as we have been trying to figure out where my negative thoughts about myself stem from. This might be one reason...IDK whatever....

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((( LLT )))))))))))))))))

sounds like something you could definitely talk to yr T about. At the very least, it will help her to know you better; but saying the words out loud YOU will hear them, and they will be out in the sunshine instead of festering inside. remember "we do not speak about the past in therapy so that the therapist can understand what happened; we speak so that we may hear ourselves speaking the truth about our own life" - Dr. Raymond L. Richmond - and this is what heals. it ain't easy but it's worth it
good for you, for your insight! and Hugs to you!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

---- and PS - no one is inherently bad. we all have the Manufacturer's fingerprints.

I know, LLT, I tend to believe the same thing about myself... but at least I can tell you!

[Rapunzel]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=103621

Maybe you need the touch of the master's hand to show you what you can be. Since it seems that nobody showed you, as a child. Me too, btw. And I relate to your post. Nothing I could do could ever be good enough. And I was always the one who got in trouble if there was even a minor conflict. Mom said I should know better because I was oldest, but really she favored my sister because my sister was willing to be like mom. I wanted to live my own life. My family didn't like that much.

Definitely a topic to talk about in therapy. My T has been pointing out that I was the one in my family who was not willing to be like them and perpetuate the patterns. I was affected by my family, but I'm determined to live my own life. Even though I still get stuck a lot.

Dysfunctional systems resist change by calling changers bad, selfish, and wrong. They will take the side of whoever perpetuates the patterns.

[Amazonmom]

I definitely think the situation you described could contribute to your negative thoughts about yourself. If your sister was always treated better than you, you eventually learn in your head that you weren't valuable enough to defend.

You are valuable, their message was wrong.

Definitely stuff to bring up with T, I think.

[searchingmysoul]

LLT

I want to say that I don't believe in people being inherently bad.

I also want to let you know that you are not alone in struggling with these feelings.

((((((((((((((((((((((LLT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know that you are not inherently bad. I can so relate to feeling like that, though.

Be gentle with you.

[hangingon]

LLT
I think thats says alot about how you feel and your therapist will deem that as important as well. I think you should really discuss it with your therapist.

It's insightful of you to put that together as to maybe why you are feeling that way you do.
HUGS

[lifelesstraveled]

Everyone--thanks.

Sorry i dont have anything more to say, except I will bring it to T's attention tomorrow.