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#1
Jun 11, 2009, 06:42 PM
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Very rough session today. I knew it. I posted that wizard of oz thread before and then after I went to therapy realized I was in a child state at T. I am beginning to know that when I am in that particular child state I am completely and utterly vulnerable. So, almost whatever comes up in session devastates me, because I am little and defenseless--or so it seems. This is the little kid who HIDES MOST OF THE TIME.
I have a hard time letting the adult in when I feel this way. Big breath. I cried so hard with T that there were holes in the tissue. At one point I told him I felt as though he were pushing me away and he said, "You can get rid of me when YOU are ready." This is too hard. The SI returned on the way home. YUCK. ERGGGGGADSLFKADSFLKJA
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#2
Jun 11, 2009, 06:45 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lots of hugs to you...  Sessions like that are so, so, so hard... ALL of our parts deserve to be heard and to heal, and it's just so painful sometimes. Please don't hurt you. You don't deserve that. You deserve a blanket, and tea, and rest. Be gentle with you...
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#3
Jun 11, 2009, 08:57 PM
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(((( MissC )))) I just hate when these kinds of sessions happen on Thursdays, when we have to get through the weekend this way.
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#4
Jun 11, 2009, 09:30 PM
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try to be good to you =(
((((((((((((((miss)))))))))))))
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#5
Jun 12, 2009, 12:04 AM
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Oh, right now I just do not even know why I am in therapy anymore. It feels like nothing but a bother. Ugh. I have this fantasy of going Monday and having nothing to say. NOTHING. I am not teary anymore and the ideation has stopped mostly. I am BLANK. What is the protocol for canceling for a week when you are in a long term relationship with 2x per week? Oh I know the bloody answer to this and I'll have to pay anyway.
The question is what am I avoiding in myself? Ohhhh I hate it when he does that. Maybe I'll show up Monday and talk about my son's stinky socks. Yeah, that's the ticket. I can tell him how I ran out of fabric softener, whoa a whole laundry discussion that he can analyze.
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#6
Jun 12, 2009, 12:14 AM
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(((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))
spose you could always do some free writing if you were REALLY tempted... "what am I avoiding...?" and don't take your pen off the page for 15 minutes even if you have 10 lines of "this is really stupid". I was considering doing that with a different header... haven't gotten to it yet. I'm playing hookey in my own mind.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#7
Jun 12, 2009, 01:37 AM
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((((((((((MC))))))))))))))) I love what your T said, he seems super caring.
Where is this coming from. Is it something T said? Something he did, didn't do? Is it coming from within...what does the little MC need right now? Take care of yourself
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The patient's job is to repeat in the therapy all the stuff that has been disastrous before. The T's job is to not let it happen, but to point out how it is happening. 
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#8
Jun 12, 2009, 09:13 AM
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Miss Charlotte,
I understand what you mean about being in the vulnerable child state. For me also, she is usually hidden, and when she is out, things can feel really intense and difficult. Also, after the session is over, it can be hard to contain the distress and get back into my normal adult state of mind. I hate it when i have a session like that. It's not that i want to totally deny the child part of me. But if i get in touch with her and the pain, it's so important that it be in small, small pieces (just a few minutes maximum) so that i can tolerate it and keep it manageable. Otherwise, when i leave t's office, I can still feel distressed and unregulated, and it can be hard to go back to doing my normal routine of life. |
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#9
Jun 12, 2009, 09:42 AM
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Miss C, I hear you. What are you avoiding? I'm not sure, perhaps fear? I know I feel like you do when I've had something come up for me that contains lots of fear, and it seems as if everything T says is indifference to my fears. Your T's remark about you being able to get rid of him when you are ready perhaps appeared as him not holding you enought? It always feels better when our T's say things that appear is if they will fight tooth and nail to keep us, but I know they can't do that exactly beause it would be unethical and proberbly not the "right" thing to do, but still, it would mean that they see our fears and they aren't going to let us do it alone, but somehow if they act in a different way, then its just re-enforcing what we're trying to rid ourselfs off? Then we caught in a bind, the gap between our fantasys adn the real seem unsurviable?? I dunno perhaps I'm reading myself into your stuff here, its just I recognised your pain.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
 Kiya
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#10
Jun 12, 2009, 06:19 PM
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Mouse,
You may have hit on something. I knew the obvious of what I was avoiding but underneath I do think it might be that old fear--of abandonment, being alone, left on my own--an old story. Actually T's remark came at a moment in the conversation when I needed to hear him say that so I did feel held, and yet, I felt pushed away simultaneously. I do see it's his dilemma in a way--trying to hold me, support me, and encourage me to grow and as he said "get out into the world a bit." THRUST FROM THE WOMB? A toddler constantly checking to see if Mom is still there? EEEGADS
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