[Hearty]

My therapist started giving me hugs after saying no to my request for almost a year.
His hugs feel so nurturing to me...like a soft comforting blanket, especially after a difficult session.
But the downside of all this bliss is I have to peel myself away from him and say goodbye.
I don't know what's more painful...aching for a hug or painfully leaving him.

Do any of you hug your therapist at the end of your session?
If so, what kind of hugs are they and for how long?
How do you feel about hugs with your therapist?
Harmless or harmful boundary crossings?

[chaotic13]

My T does not hug me. However, I not sure if she would refuse to hug me is I asked for one. Its just not something that is part of our interaction. I think I feel her support in other ways.

As for the boundary issue..I personally think this is an individual thing. You have to weigh the risk to harm benefit. And like it or not, when in doubt go with what your T thinks is best.

As for the hardship it creates for you at the end of the session, could you give him a greeting hug instead of a goodbye hug. This might help you establish a connection at the beginning of the session and you wouldn't experience such of a drop of energy when leaving.

T and I hug at the end of session. It feels like an intimate yet not-boundary-crossing moment. I guess in that it doesn't feel in the least bit sexual - just nurturing and connecting.

How long do we hug for?? Hmmm. Well, it's longer than a quick hug. Less than a minute. Somewhere in there Kind of depends on the session.

[Hearty]

"My T does not hug me. However, I not sure if she would refuse to hug me is I asked for one. Its just not something that is part of our interaction. I think I feel her support in other ways.

As for the boundary issue..I personally think this is an individual thing. You have to weigh the risk to harm benefit. And like it or not, when in doubt go with what your T thinks is best.

As for the hardship it creates for you at the end of the session, could you give him a greeting hug instead of a goodbye hug. This might help you establish a connection at the beginning of the session and you wouldn't experience such of a drop of energy when leaving.
" - Chaotic13
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Hi Chaotic13,

Once I came in to session pretty broken up in tears and he gave me a long hug to comfort me, but unfortunately, that didn't lessen my need for a goodbye hug. We have talked about how starved I am for emotional/physical
intimacy, and I actually think he feels sorry for me. I've never been attached to any other past Ts and needed hugs before this one - not that not needing hugs means you haven't attached to your T.

It must be so nice for you to have a T who's support feels enough for you...without the need for more. I can't wait to get to where you are in your therapy so it's not so painful to leave. Thanks for replying, Chaotic.

Morningcalm

[Hearty]

"T and I hug at the end of session. It feels like an intimate yet not-boundary-crossing moment. I guess in that it doesn't
feel in the least bit sexual - just nurturing and connecting. How long do we hug for?? Hmmm. Well, it's longer than a quick
hug. Less than a minute. Somewhere in there Kind of depends on the session. " - Treehouse
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Hi Treehouse,

Your hugs with your T sounds just so right. Intimate nurturing and connection, without the boundary crossing sexual feel.

Wow, and you don't have to peel yourself from him the way I do? It sounds like you have a very healthy and satisfying
relationship with your T...you must have found a T who is just the right fit for you.

Thanks for your reply, Treehouse.

Morningcalm

Originally Posted by chaotic13

My T does not hug me. However, I not sure if she would refuse to hug me is I asked for one. Its just not something that is part of our interaction. I think I feel her support in other ways.

I feel the same way. Plus, I'm still fairly new with my T - only a little over 2 months in - so I'm not yet comfortable with receiving a hug from her. There might come a time when I do want a hug, and I supposed I'd ask for it and we'd discuss it at that time. But right now, it doesn't appeal to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel my trust and respect for my T growing, though - I feel like we are building a really great relationship.

[Brian37]

me - male

T - female

no hugs

just free candy and I can tell her how bad she dresses

[deliquesce]

i wouldn't want it as part of our every day interaction, but there have been times i have wanted a hug. in those moments though i have been too scared to ask, and then my mind also starts worrying about stupid details like "his jacket is clunky, i wonder how i would wrap my arms around that" and whatever else, so all in all - no, it hasn't happened and it probably never will.

[Brightheart]

I shared one hug with my T before I left therapy the first time. It felt very warm, loving and safe. It was not a quick pat on the back type of thing. Right at the end I squeezed him and he squeezed back. I still think that was the best part. That and the look on his face when we separated.

No, my T has never hugged me. I don't know if she does that - she seems very professional, so I really don't think she'd do it routinely. She once touched my shoulder on the way out,, but that's been it. Maybe if I were really falling apart during the session she would, but I don't do that so I'm not sure how it would even come up. I definitely crave verbal reassurance from my T sometimes but for some reason the idea of physical reassurance seems more troubling to me. I think it would feel awkward and forced...but maybe someday it will happen and I'll prove myself wrong. In any case, it's not something I really crave at this point.

[Luce]

My old T used to hug me at the end of each session. Kinda like Treehouse's hug with her t. Longer than a quick hug, but less than a minute typcially.
I really really really miss Ts hugs!

I couldn't imagine hugging my current (but now ex) T. I never had even the slightest litte wanting to do that.

[GrayNess]

My current T doesn't and I'm not sure if she would do that to other patients, I think she wouldn't. She seems quite professional even after a session where she seemed uncomfortable with me as we discussed certain topics that she seems like she'd rather avoid. Usually it's a quick good-bye and that's it. My psychiatrist he'll do a quick pat on the shoulder regardless of what we talk about.

[mightaswelllive]

T and I shared one hug but I don't remember it. She's pretty professional and doesn't really exhibit the warm-fuzzy-reassuring-behavior that a lot of your Ts seem to do, but she does make up for it in other ways. I'm not big on touching people but the idea of a hug again someday is not vomitish. I think it's harmless as long as it's clear what the hug means. It's probably something that should be looked at on more than one occasion.

[sunrise]

My T and I hug sometimes at the end of the session, right before I put my hand on the doorknob to leave. It is not every session. We are very close, so it is a natural extension of that--a physical expression of closeness. It is not a boundary crossing for either one of us. Sometimes the hug is kind of sideways with each of us just with one arm around the other. Other times, it is face to face with both arms, my head nestled against his chest, and we may give a squeeze. It's nice. He's very tall, so I feel protected. I don't have any trouble disengaging or saying good-bye. It's just very comfortable and safe. When we don't hug, that's OK too.

We have never discussed hugging at all. It seems very simple and natural to me, and I would not discuss such a hug with anyone else in my life, so it would be weird to consider this worthy of commenting on. Once when we were at a legal meeting, it was very very hard going, and we were alone, and he gave me a much needed hug. I told him later that that was just what I needed, but that is the only talk of hugs that we have had.

I am curious if those of you who hug talk about it--that it is a therapy issue for you?

[Foomph]

My T gave me a hug when I told him I was pregnant! He congratulated me and then said that deserves a hug! So we hugged and it was soooooooo nice. Longer than I expected too. Other than that, no hugs, but he always touches me at the end of a session, like a squeeze on the arm, or a hand on my back as he walks me out. <3

[sittingatwatersedge]

T never gives me a hug. In a year and a half, twice I got some pats on the arm while leaving; after a particularly painful session, and after one that was very warm and connected.

Last time I went in, I arrived just in pieces, and she put me back together again, for which I was very grateful. On the way out I asked her would it be OK if I gave her a hug, and she gave me a big smile and opened her arms. I gave only a brief one but that was fine.

yesterday I didn;t ask for one but she walked to the door with me as if waiting to see if I would ask again. The idea that she was "there" for me to that extent, if I needed her, was very comforting.

[peaches100]

Receiving hugs has been such a big point of contention in my therapy with my t that i can't bring myself to talk about it anymore.

[hangingon]

After about 2-3 months of seeing my T, she once asked me at the end of session if I liked hugs, I said yes, but I would never ask for one. She said can I give you one, I have lots to give. So I said yes, and since then we almost always hug at the end of session, sometimes its quick and other times a little longer. I like the hugs.

[hangingon]

Sittingatwatersedge,
You brave thing you!. Good for you for asking
I am glad she welcomed you with open arms!

[fallenangel337]

I've never gotten a hug from my T. I would like to, but I don't want to make the awkward first step of asking. I feel like she's the kind of person who might, but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like if it happens, it will be natural without many words about it.

[rainbow8]

My T told me that hugs would not be good for me. That was okay with me even though I know she hugs others. At my final regular session, after 6 years, she hugged me and I was surprised! It was nice. I hugged her again on a happy occasion, outside of the therapy room.

I think the reason she didn't want to hug me is that I wouldn't have been satisfied. I had fantasies of her holding me, of me being little and crying. A regular hug would just have made me feel more needy.

I had 3 other Ts. They didn't hug me either. One said she never touched clients, the second probably didn't either, and the third maybe would have if I asked. She touched my arm once, to comfort me. I was ambivalent about hugs--wanted them but was afraid.

[fallenangel337]

The only time T has ever even come close to touching me was when she was examining cuts on my arm. Even then, she was only moving my hair tie so she could see them better. Quite honestly, i would love a hug, or some kind of physical contact in T. =/

[Hearty]

Originally Posted by Brian37

me - male

T - female

no hugs

just free candy and I can tell her how bad she dresses

LOL!

You get candy?
And does she really dress badly?

No, and I'm glad about that too. At this point I think any kind of physical contact would be more frightening then comforting. When I was young I wanted hugs all the time but these days I don't really like them except if I feel the need for one. I feel sort of sorry for my family because hugging has been a way of expressing affection for so many years they think I'm mad at them because I don't want to be touched

[TrespassersWill]

I really don't think my T would hug if I asked. I think she probably avoids them with everyone. I did try to bring up the topic last time and try to get to the point of asking, but instead I only got as far as crying about my parents not hugging me when I went to visit them recently and I had not seen them in over 2 years. And they didn't hug me. I want T to hug me, but if she ever did I would probably start crying the minute she touched me and get snot all over her shirt because I get snotty when I cry. I also have a problem asking for a hug, just like asking anyone for anything else, so I don't know how I will ever even bring this up. But I am fairly certain the answer is already "no".