[deliquesce]

see Austin-T tomorrow. i want to kick him in the shins.
and then i see pdoc on friday. don't even want to be in the same room with him, so a kick isn't going to happen.

i hate them both and want them both to go away.

oh wait - they already ARE going away. nevermind what deli wants.

well, i'm gonna be in control of how they leave. it's gonna be on my terms and not theirs. i'm gonna be the one shutting the door.

so gonna terminate early and see how they like it.

(i know they won't care.)

but at least i'll feel better and seeing how no one else cares about deli then maybe she should look out for herself and screw all the stupid therapists and pdocs and helpers out there who can just switch off at the end of the day and dont care about what happens when they leave.

((((((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))))))

Is p-doc actually leaving, or is that a fear??

It does SUCK about Austin-T. At least be sure to TELL him you want to kick him in the shins...

[deliquesce]

thank you, tree . you are always so kind to me.

i dont know what pdoc is doing. he might be leaving, he might not. i haven't checked. but i don't care, i don't like him anyway. he will leave eventually, i am sure. so it is better that we stop now (because then HE will be the one who's confused) rather than when he decides to leave and leaves me feeling hurt and confused instead. i hate him and he makes me feel sick. i hate "physicians". stupid, $*&$%^@! physicians.

as for Austin-T. i am seeing him tomorrow, i guess. unlike pdoc, where i don't care and won't show up. can't let Austin-T know, though. that i want to kick him. just gotta do it, or keep my mouth shut and be like a rock. gonna be a crap session, i know it. i'm not opening up to someone who's leaving me. i should've cancelled last week when i found out. but i'm not giving him the pleasure of knowing he's hurting me. won't let that happen with anyone.

[pachyderm]

(((((deliquesce)))))

Originally Posted by deliquesce

but i'm not giving him the pleasure of knowing he's hurting me. won't let that happen with anyone.

Sweet ((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))))

I would be angry too if someone who was helping me was leaving me. REALLY angry. Like this guy ->

But I know that Austin T would get NO "pleasure" from knowing he was hurting you. In fact, he has helped you so much with OCD stuff...what if he has had someone leave him in the past and has had to deal with it? And he knows the tools and can help you through it?? Go ahead, kick him in the shins, tell him that you are hurting like hell, and let him help you.

And as for p-doc. He loves you. Let him.

[rainbow8]

((((deli)))),

I understand your anger and wish to leave Ts, rather than they leave you. I totally understand! But I hope you can try to talk it out with them anyway. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[Brian37]

"do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

therapists,doctors,lawyers, ....they are human too and are not immune to mistakes

[hangingon]

Deli,
I don't blame you. I know its really hard to think about them leaving you. You just started seeing "Austin", you spoke of how you were really liking how he has been helping you, only to hear he is moving on. That has to be really difficult.
I have often resorted to what you mentioned about leaving them before they leave you so as not to get hurt.
Heck when my T said she was going away for a couple weeks, I was like ok no big deal. But I lied, I will miss her, I just didn't want her to know that, whats the deal with that? lol....I guess I don't want people to know I need them because if they leave they won't know how much it hurts me.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with all of this right now. I really hope you are able to open up to p-doc about how you feel.

[chaotic13]

(((Deli))) I don't know what to say other than. I would get upset thinking about my T leaving.

[peaches100]

(((((Deli)))))

I understand how incredibly hard this situation is for you. It's so unfortunate that your t has to leave. Having a history of people you care about leaving you. . .and now your t is going to be leaving. I'm sure it opens up all those old wounds. It's no wonder you are feeling hurt and angry. I know there's a part of you that wants to protect you from hurt by pulling away from your t before he leaves, so that the separation happens on your own terms. I know it seems as though pulling away now would hurt less than waiting until the inevitable last session. But this is a time when you really need t's support and help! Will pulling away now actually hurt less, or does it just seem that way?

[imapatient]

Deli

They do care. Both.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Austin-T won't take pleasure. He'll understand the pain and wish you could be spared it. Truth be told, pdoc will not be confused. He'll know you're hurting, that you have difficulties with feeling abandoned, that that's how you're feeling with him, and that you're trying to protect yourself from a feared pain and rejection. As with everything, he--any T or pdoc--will some of your family expereince in it. He'll be very sad.

Take advantage of your time with Austin-T. Separation is an issue for you; don't let it be a re-run of past expereinces. Make it work for you; get as best you can. I think this will be as helpful for you as it is hard. We all have to deal with major losses, and with our T's and pdocs at various points. It's part of the way it goes. They have personal lives, too.

Take the good you've experienced and be happy with that; you made major progress in just a bit of time with Austin-T over how that other T left you last winter. Austin is a very different situation.

Take care of yourself.

[imapatient]

[Luce]

Deli deli deli, you sound ranting, raving, spitting-mad plain old triggered. I can understand why too - those ole abandonment issues sure have a way of kicking our butts.

But wait. I've read that one should never ever ever make an important decision while acting on strong emotion. I think thats a pretty good maxim to live by.

Since right now you seem to be right in the throes of a triggered type of reaction, i wonder if it will be possible for you to hold off on ACTION until the feelings have calmed down? Go right ahead and feel those feelings, rant and rave or whatever you have to do to process your way through them - but see if you can wait to make a decision until the feelings have settled down and you are operating with your clear headed thinking self again. If, in that space, your thoughts match up with your feelings then you can still go right ahead and cancel or whatever you need to do. The beauty of it will be that you will have the benefit of making a decision that the whole of you believes in.

JIt's ust one possible way of dealing with what is going on for you, I guess.

[deliquesce]

oh gosh. thank you guys all so much. i read all these posts before i left for T today, but couldn't reply because i was feeling too numb. but it really did make all the difference in me actually showing up to see Austin-T, instead of throwing a stone through his window or something. so thank you, all of you . you guys really are the best.

of course i got there and just sat and said nothing. Austin-T was really hyper, it was kind of funny, and he kept apologising and saying things like "stop talking, Austin-T, and give deli a chance to respond". he didn't really give me a chance to say anything, though, he was such a whirlwind.

it was good for me though, because it really picked me up. i didnt say anything in session, but i left feeling a lot more positive and motivated.

the closest i came to addressing the issue - he said something about how we should plan to catch up after my exam to assess how things went and that he would write to my GP to get 6 more subsidised sessions. and i said "but i thought you were closing your practice by then". and he said "oh, i'm cutting back to 3 days now - so i can still squeeze you in, but maybe not every week". i didnt say anything to that, but i felt really confused. i think he thought i was upset so he said "but if you want weekly sessions i could fit you in at pdoc's hospital if you don't have a problem meeting there?".

so now i'm just very . it is good he is offering to see me further, but i need to be really clear about what he's offering. i dont know if he is only offering 6 more sessions, or if he is offering to keep seeing me indefinitely (but was requesting those 6 subsided sessions to make it easier for me to pay). i will bring it up with him next week. im not going to start trusting him again until we have that clear.

he told me today one thing he really liked about me is that i'm assertive and can set my boundaries well. even if those boundaries make it difficult for him to help me as much as he wants (e.g., i've told him i dont trust him so i'm not going to answer x,y,z questions that he's asked).

i did manage to bring up that i wanted to quit with pdoc (i was too scared to say i wanted to quit with him too). so we talked about that for a bit. he said he saw pdoc about a month ago in the tea room (they're secret lovers) and pdoc had been telling Austin-T how excited he was that i seemed to have turned a corner in therapy and we were going great places. Austin-T said he didn't know what pdoc was talking about, but that he was happy that pdoc was so full of enthusiasm about what we were doing.

so that made me rethink things a little bit. it is weird for pdoc to be taking up their secret-lover-time to be discussing clients, so maybe he really was excited. and if he is enthused about where things are going then maybe he isn't trying to pull away from me.

so i might go to see pdoc tomorrow. just to suss him out. might tell him what a poo he is for reframing our interactions in terms of "physician"/patient, and also for not telling me his birthday when he was the one who brought it up.

i probably won't say anything, of course, but i'm a bit curious now.

maybe things will be ok.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

their secret-lover-time

:rotflmao: <- why didn't my smiley show up?? oh well.

[pachyderm]

Yeah, is that secret-lover thing for real?

[deliquesce]

lololol, no, i don't think so, pachy. although it would be WAY AWESOME if it was!!! i must try and push pdoc into it. i would be so happy if i was responsible for orchestrating the illicit affair between newbie pdoc and head psychologist at the hospital.

((((((((deli)))))))))

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. it's great you went to go see austin-the-pornstar t! i loved that pic you posted with the crazy clothes. ohhh, please don't leave pdoc. he sounds so great and i think he'd be crushed if you left. it's ok to tell him you're upset with whatever he did/said.

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by reflection

((((((((deli)))))))))

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. it's great you went to go see austin-the-pornstar t! i loved that pic you posted with the crazy clothes. ohhh, please don't leave pdoc. he sounds so great and i think he'd be crushed if you left. it's ok to tell him you're upset with whatever he did/said.

So is it really Austin-T the gay porn star t?

[deliquesce]

i am slowly starting to revise Austin-Ts sexuality . last week he mentioned having a "partner", and that was ok, but this week i noticed a wedding band and he also mentioned having kids. so i'm like, oh no, maybe he isn't gay after all . and if he isn't gay than he can't be half as cool as a porn star, or maybe even a porn star at all. so i'm very sad.

BUT there is hope!! because i saw pdoc today and he mentioned that he had "coffee" (snort) with Austin-T in the staff room. and we all know what that means .

being a bit serious, though - Austin-T told pdoc (while they were having coffee) that i'm not telling pdoc some stuff. so pdoc asked me if i wanted to share, but he said it would be ok if i didn't. but it led to a really good conversation, i'm feeling quite secure again.

i told him how upset i got when he kept saying "psychiatrist" and "dr" and everything else, and he was like... err, is this a transference thingy (he even mentione "erotic transference" )? and i felt like stabbing his eyes out with a fork, but instead i remained cool and collected and tried to explain myself better and we figured out that it's because i relate to him as just pdoc, and not as "psychiatrist", and i've been scared that he's just playing a "psychiatrist" role with me ever since i disclosed, rather than being the genuine pdoc he always has been. so he reassured me that he's still being genuine and he was using those terms without attaching meaning to them, but he was also trying to be very careful not to invade my space, so maybe he was using those to reassure me that we're still in a professional relationship and that this won't leak into other areas of my life. and so i was able to say that so long as that professional relationship was also genuine then i could maybe accept him for being a psychiatrist and stop the order of scientologists from coming and burning down his home .

we also talked about how much push-pull i've been feeling - being so scared that he will leave me, but also wanting to leave myself because i feel like i'm relying on him - and he said that he was so honoured that i did feel like he was someone to rely on. and he was so excited about it, he was positively glowing, and he said that i need to let myself do that a bit instead of pulling away. he said i'm the most self-reliant person he's ever met, even after 10 years of working with clients, and so it is a break through moment for him for me to actually feel that need for someone else and to give voice to it. he said the next step is for me to test it out a bit because he thinks it'll make me more healthy and happier. i'm still really uncomfortable about the idea, but just the fact that he was so excited was like... maybe this is a good thing after all?

i dont know. but i feel good. how weird that i could see both Austin-T and pdoc and not quit with either of them. and that Austin-T helped me talk to pdoc about stuff that's been really getting me upset. and that i feel great now after all of that.

thank you all so much for pushing me to do this. my session with pdoc today was pretty huge as far as healing goes. he said that this kind of stuff will lay the foundation for the rest of my life so he's happy we're doing it too.

wow deli, this is great! you go girl. it's good to rely on people a bit. i'm horribly independent too and it is sooooo hard to rely on others. ok, i think i would have wanted to poke his eyes with a fork too lol for mentioning erotic transference. i think i'd die right there on the spot. i have never said anything about having the et with my friend i sorta counsel spiritually. i had a dream from God and God was like don't tell him he'll react poorly. i had another dream and God was like he has it too. eek!

[deliquesce]

the thing about pdoc is that yah, there is a bit of transference going on, but unlike others on this board i'm not really bothered by it. for me, it's a really nice fantasy to have, it's not something i want to "work through" and let go of.

so i didnt tell him yes (especially because it had nothing to do with what we were talking about). but also because he seemed really freaked out by the idea that he would have to deal with a patient transferring to him? i dont think he would have felt comfortable knowing where to go from there.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i am slowly starting to revise Austin-Ts sexuality . last week he mentioned having a "partner", and that was ok, but this week i noticed a wedding band and he also mentioned having kids. so i'm like, oh no, maybe he isn't gay after all

Maybe he's both, ya-know?