When I went to T today he told me right away what is wrong with his back. He knew I was scared because of my parents and their cancers (I had left him a message) and he got it. I promised him I wouldn't bring him a heating pad and some chicken soup or whatever So, we were able to talk about it, and it felt normal and comfortable.

I started the session feeling very grounded and adult. I told him I am about to start guitar lessons (yay!) and I shared that I needed to use some bad coping skills after our last session, but that it never got out of control and felt like a success. We talked some about my different parts, he was telling me what their strengths are, and that when they are integrated, all of those strengths will be a part of me.

I could feel myself starting to slip away. It scared me - I wanted to stay "there" and grown up, because it felt good. He told me to try not fighting it. That maybe someone else needed something, and it was okay.

I asked him to come and hold my hand and he did. We spent the rest of the session (as far as I can remember) just sitting and holding hands. He was sort of rubbing my hand with his thumb. I could feel my young part there very strongly, but I am not usually co-conscious with her, so it was very different. I remember T asking me at one point what I was thinking and I just shook my head, and he said "are you just being?" and I nodded and he said "that's what I thought" and we just sat there for the rest of session. I don't know how long it was - but I am guessing it was....15 minutes? Maybe 20?? I could feel my little part just being loved and cared for and still. He gave her a big hug while we were sitting there, and it felt like it just reached down into my soul, into the darkest part of me.

I left feeling really calm and fine. There is a word that my little part uses to describe the SA that happened when we were young, and she's been repeating that word in my head over and over and over again since last weekend. She's QUIET now.

I just feel....fine. Loved. Still. Like I can breathe.

It feels good

I'm so glad talking with your T brought you peace. ((((((((TH)))))))))

[chaotic13]

Treehouse it is nice that you were able to just be for a while and were open to his safe, string-free comforting. I think I would like to be able to accept care like that, both by myself and by others.

It is nice that you were able to do this safely. It is also cool that you were able to sense your inner child, while still feeling your adult. I think I co-exist with my ego states. I just don't sense them as complete enities unless I am by myself and focus on a feeling or a thought running through my head and ask... "Where is that throught coming from?" Then the girl or the teen or some other aspect kind of takes form. Unfortunately, I haven't been really good at just Being and being aware of this when I am stress or attempting communicate what I'm thinking or wanting when in a live interaction. Instead of just relaxing and letting my thoughts flow freely between them, I tend to just react, hide them, and get defensive and fearful that I might say something or do something that is childish or inappropriate. (My T would respond to that last comment with,"And when was the last time you actually responded to something inappropriately?....It been a long time but I still worry about that.)

[rainbow8]

I'm happy for you, Treehouse! It seems that your T gives you just what you need, and knows how to do it without worrying about crossing boundaries. None of my Ts would ever sit with me or hold my hand, and I wonder if maybe doing that would have helped me. I get a warm, safe feeling just from reading about your experience.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Unfortunately, I haven't been really good at just Being and being aware of this when I am stress or attempting communicate what I'm thinking or wanting when in a live interaction. Instead of just relaxing and letting my thoughts flow freely between them, I tend to just react, hide them, and get defensive and fearful that I might say something or do something that is childish or inappropriate.

It's only recently that I've been able to understand and sense when another part is....emerging? (can't think of a better word). I think before I would just switch, bam, and not know it.

Now I can sometimes feel it coming. Not always, but definitely sometimes. Everything looks different in the room...especially the blinds on the window. I can feel myself slipping away. When I fight it, I have a panic attack, which sucks. Today, I could feel it happening and I remember asking T to help me. Which is when he asked if I could just not fight it, and let whoever needed to be there be there.

He was so right. I left feeling calm and soothed and like part of me got what she needed. If I had fought it, I probably would have left feeling all spiraly and scared.

I wonder what would happen if you didn't fight it, chaotic??