[coconut64]

I've been awol due to bronchitis, I'm feeling better now . I wanted to ask whether anyone else out there suffers from "people pleasing" and whether T has interpreted that you please him or her. That's exactly what T told me, that I please him. When I asked him how do I do that, he wasn't very forth coming. Maybe he wants me to find my own answers, maybe he doesn't want to give it all away yet, who knows. He said that the patters we have IRL get played out in the therapeutic relationship so it was bound to happen. Wait, does this mean that he thinks I'm pleasing him just because I do it IRL or is there some hard evidence?

He did say that some of the things I tell him I do it to please him. The gave the specific example of a dream and two nightmares I recently shared. Does that mean that I'm not supposed to share my dreams with him because that's pleasing him? This whole thing has left me even more confused and maybe it even harder to talk and open up.

I've just started to share a little about SA and pleasing my father. Yes, I know what you're thinking, it's all connected. But when T told me that I was pleasing him, it freaked me out for the obvious connection.

Anyway, calling out any and all people pleasers out there. Do you please T? Has T told you you please him/her? Do you know why you do it?

[Mouse_]

I think we did it in childhood as a survival method...plus its nice to feel we have pleased someone...it depends on what we "expect" to happen by pleasing someone? Do we get angry if they do not reply to our pleasing them in a matching act? Do we then get resentful and retaliate?? lots of things involved here..yes I still want my T to think positively off me and as yet haven't reached that grand self actualise state of being indifferent to others opinons of me, but am getting there....perhaps you could say something like "Yes I do tend to do that don't I, I wonder what it is I am looking for or hoping for"???

[darkrunner]

Hi Coconut....
I'm glad you're feeling better.

Thanks for bringing this up. I think this is something I do. I've only been seeing my current T for 3 weeks, but one of the things I told her in my 2nd or 3rd session is that I have anxiety about going because I want to be the 'perfect patient' who says and does the right things to help me get to the point of healing as quickly as possible.

I think this falls under the category of 'people pleasing' because I put this pressure on myself and feel like if I don't do these things I am failing my T and myself.

Since then, my T has made a point of reminding me I don't have to say the things she wants to hear....I don't have to apologize for not saying the things I think she wants to hear.
We haven't specifically talked about the issue of 'people pleasing' when she is involved, but now that you bring it up, I think it might be good to talk to her about it.

I don't know why I do it. I wonder if I am a 'people pleaser' in my life outside of therapy.

I need to think about this some more.....

You said:

The gave the specific example of a dream and two nightmares I recently shared. Does that mean that I'm not supposed to share my dreams with him because that's pleasing him?

I think this is a good question. I agree with you..... I don't understand how your sharing of some dreams is you trying to be 'pleasing' to your T.

Unless your T thinks you are using these dreams to give him a topic to work with that avoids what he thinks are "real issues"......IDK, but I think it is something you could ask him about and see what he says.

[Sannah]

I used to be a people pleaser to a certain extent. It is something very important to work through for all sorts of reasons. Was this upsetting to hear for you?

[hangingon]

Coconut
I am a people pleaser, the problem is I have done it for so long that I don't even notice it most the time. I just like to be good to people, I hate people being upset with me ect..

I actually just recently sent and email to my T about being a people pleaser. I said something to the effect that it hides the real me. That I don't ever want people to see the side of me that I am disgusted with ect.

Its a normal reaction for me to be like this now, I can't even see changing that. In my head I feel like it's mean or selfish to do otherwise. I have no idea where that come from. I don't recall people telling that growing up; however, I do remember trying to be a good quiet kid because I would get positive attention from that (my grandmother, aunts, ect would always comment on how great a kid I was and I liked hearing that because I was not getting that kind of attention at home)

I am afraid to be completely open with my T now because I don't want her to think I am crazy...yeh I often think I am...
I am afraid to let her see the real me, whoever that is...

Hangingon

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I do remember trying to be a good quiet kid because I would get positive attention from that (my grandmother, aunts, ect would always comment on how great a kid I was and I liked hearing that

because I was not getting that kind of attention at home)

This sounds like a good explanation for your behavior. I do hope that you will discuss this with your T. I think that it will be really helpful and help you to be you............

Good grief, I wrote a HUGE reply and lost it.

Anyhow, I am a big time people pleaser. Therapy has actually helped with that some, although it's not something we've specifically set out to "fix". Before, I would NEVER admit to my husband or kids if I had feelings or needs- it was all give, give, give. Now, I tell them "I'm a person,just like you" and admit if I feel or need something.

I am trying to not worry about what T thinks. Just today I wanted to talk to him about some dissociative stuff that I find shameful and I was worried he would think I was crazy/change his opinion of me/not like me. I finally told him "I guess I am paying you so I can sit here and be crazy" and I told him. It was big for me.

Of course, by the end of the session, I had reverted back to "do you like me? am I your favorite client?". He laughed and said he loved me. But I want to be his faaaavorite!

Anyhow, it really is something I am trying to unlearn with T. If I just sit there and try to please him and make him like me, I'll never heal. I want to heal.

((((((((((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sunrise]

I do think I have been in the situation of doing or saying things in therapy because I wanted to please T, or have him think well of me. I think I have grown enough now not to do it. I think part of it was that I liked him so much, I wanted him to like me. And also that I had a lot of respect for his expertise, so if he suggested I do or say something (e.g. outside of therapy), I would agree and try to do this thing, even if I really didn't want to and it really wasn't a good idea, if I had only listened to my inner voice, my true self. Not too long ago in therapy, T suggested that I should say X to someone outside of therapy. And I told him No, I didn't feel that way, so I wasn't going to lie to this person. He kept pushing on this, and I asked him, "so you want me to say this thing even though I don't feel that way and it would be lying?" And he said, no, he didn't. I ended it and told him that maybe I would be able to do that someday, but I was not there yet. I felt he respected my self knowledge on this--I certainly was not out to please him with my response, or I would have done what he suggested even though it was not a good path at the time. That kind of "resistance" from me let's T know where I am at, so it is helpful to him to hear it, instead of my just pleasingly going along with whatever he suggests, right or wrong. So, yeah, I'm kind of proud I can do things like that now without having to please T and by extension, other people. For me, it has come about with greater sensitivity to my own feelings and a growing inability to not be true to my self. (Sometimes I physically feel like I just cannot do it.) My T says this is greater authenticity. I can't even do or say half the stuff I used to be able to do, because it's not authentic.

Therapy has given me gains in areas I never expected.

Stick with it, Cocunut. It sounds like a great topic for therapy, and I agree, I would find the dream comment confusing. If it's not OK to share dreams with our therapist, then what is? Your T's comment would probably make me very self conscious in therapy, thinking with every sentence I speak, "I wonder if I am trying to please him by saying this," or even more metacognitive: "I wonder if he thinks I am trying to please him when I said that." Aaacckk!

[hangingon]

Speaking of pleasing.
I was talking to my T about a new guy I was dating. He's really sweet, a gentleman. Anyways, I was telling her that I am not that attracted to him but I like him as a person, alot of his attributes ect. To the point that I decided I was going to stick things out and see what happens. In this time I also shared something that happened that I wasn't completely comfortable with. He asked if I could write down my school schedule so he would know not to call my cell or text during those times.

I ended up writing it down for him even though I felt uncomfortable with it because I couldn't tell him no I think thats weird ect....(though I thought it) He's been fine, I barely even talk to him during the week because of school. I told my T about the schedule issue, she said to me, why I don't just go with your instincts, I said because I don't know if they are correct. That I have a way of finding fault in people and slowly pushing them away because its easier. So I tend to let things go.

Well just today I was telling my boyfriend about the issue with my car. It's still under warranty and I have taken it in 4 times already for a grinding noise I hear when I brake. They keep telling me its fine. So my boyfriend says, how about I call my family auto mechanic and see if he could look at it one day for you, I said sure. He then says its a place that you can't just hang out at because its a small shop but there are places you can walk to. So he calls me back and says the mechanic will look at it Tuesday, we can drop it off there for the day. So he planned this whole thing where he would meet me at my house, have me follow him to the mechanic shop and then him and I can go out till its done. He asked is that ok.

As soon as he said that, I felt totally uncomfortable. I don't know what it was that made me feel so uncomfortable about it. I hang out with him at his house a lot. He owns his own place so its just he and I when I go there. He's been very respectful. Its been over a month and we haven't even kissed yet. He tried once but I gave him my cheek because it takes me a while to really trust someone.
What do I do, I tell him ok thats fine, while inside I am cringing. Why can't I just freaking say no. I told myself, whats the big deal, he's just being nice, why can't you let him be nice. Ugh.....this is a huge issue of mine. Am I just overreacting?

I'm sorry to rob your post Coconut, I went off on a tangent. It's just so frustrating feeling one thing and not being able to speak up about it, in fear of hurting someone elses feelings ect. I guess this would fall right into the category of people pleasing.

Hence, why can't I just trust my instincts?

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Coconut,

Welcome back and glad you are feeling better. I have been pondering your post. I guess I am a people pleaser too. As a child I think I tried really hard to please those adults from whom I wanted attention. I was so needy. At school I learned that if I was a good "rule follower" I would get the kind of attention I wanted. So, I ALWAYS followed the rules. (Until I turned 15 but that's another story altogether....)

Now, with T I am working through my role as victim and I sit here wondering what relationship it might have to do with the role of pleaser. I think there is connection somehow but I can't quite articulate it. Hmmmmmm

Does that mean that I'm not supposed to share my dreams with him because that's pleasing him?

I would think it probably had more to do with the content of the dream or the timing of telling it. Did you tell it at a point when you wanted to deflect something else?

I can't imagine why a T would not want you to share.

But when T told me that I was pleasing him, it freaked me out for the obvious connection.

Maybe he was thinking the same thing?

I would discuss this further if it is still bugging you at the next session.

((coconut))

Take care.

[MissCharlotte]

Response to Hanginon__

I think it's good advice to not do ANYTHING you are not comfortable with. Your car is your escape, your wheels!

Don't do it if you don't want to. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your boyfriend. It simply means you will agree to trust yourself.

[ECHOES]

My T has caught me pleasing her and I have caught it myself. Saying something to please her isn't just about pleasing her, it is about something going on with me at the moment.

It can be a defense, a way of making something uncomfortable..comfortable, or way of making ourselves 'look good' when we think we don't, or making the frightening..safer, or an opposite--a cover-up for anger because of a fear of feeling or expressing anger.

[phoenix7]

people pleasing...... have been doing that for years - putting their needs before mine as I have no needs LOL (lets not get into that! ) wanting peopple to like me for the false person I put out to the world because the real me (if there is one LOL) was too horrible to bear looking at - aslo because I was taught it was the polite thing to do - and I guess because I like my t - I would like her to like me - i think thats being human... not sure - im still only part human LOL

I've unlearned a lot of that - taken the word doormat please walk over me off my forehead and try hard to treat myself as an equal - I slip sometimes - its ok - I can do better next time!

I would discuss your thoughts with your T - maybe thats exactly what he was trying to do - get you to think about this topic

Hanging on - going with my instincts has got me out of a lot of trouble - if you dont feel comfortable - then try to go with your instincts - can you talk to your bf about this? - take care P7

[velcro003]

oh, i am SUCH a people pleaser. so is my mother, which is probably where i learned it. i absolutely despise it when anyone is upset at me. I use it in therapy, for sure, but I have no idea if my T thinks this or not. I have kind of talked around the fact that I think therapy is frustrating for me because I feel like I'm stuck and not making any progress in a year, or that I've frustrated her (I wrote that in an e-mail, and then never actually talked about it). She's never called me on any of it, but I'm terrified to actually directly ask her anything that remotely could be a negative outcome.

I don't know, I know I need to not be like that, but I'm too scared of a negative response.

[hangingon]

Thanks Miss C and Phoenix

I should talk with him about this but I have never been the type to talk about what I am thinking when it comes to my feelings. I am a very private person in that respect. I wouldn't even know how to address that without him thinking something is wrong.

He didn't offer to pay for the repairs or anything like that, but it does mean he will have to take a day off work. He is the head of his department so he has a lot of freedom in that sense; therefore, I know this is not an issue for him. Still, I feel uncomfortable that he wants to do this with me. In my mind it will make me feel like I owe him. I also feel this sort of robbery of my freedom, I know that's irrational, but still, it sends my mind in that direction.

I honestly think that is just the type of person he is, very giving. When I was sick he went and bought me vitamin C boost drinks, ect...He always opens the door, helps me with my jacket and all that. I think it's nice that he does this, but being the indepenant person I am, it bothers me some.

I am friends with his sister, her and I met in nursing school and I really like her, she's a wonderful person. She actually asked me if I would go on a blind date with her brother after a year of knowing her, thats how him and I had met.
I don't know, maybe I just suck in relationships, I worry too much and feel like I am being smoothered. Who knows.....

hangingon

[hangingon]

Velcro,
I am so with you on that. I so fear negative responses or that people won't like me or that they will be upset with me.

My last T actually told me that I am such a likeable person and that there is something really relaxing about me. Yet, inside I feel anxious, go figure.

I really need to learn to let this anxiety out rather than keeping it smoothered but honestly I fear it myself and I fear what my T will think seeing that side of me....people pleasing... yes...

hangingon

[coconut64]

[/quote]Your T's comment would probably make me very self conscious in therapy, thinking with every sentence I speak, "I wonder if I am trying to please him by saying this," or even more metacognitive: "I wonder if he thinks I am trying to please him when I said that." Aaacckk![/quote]

Sunny, that's what is happening now. I told him how am I going talk to you? I already have enough trouble opening up and talking to him, this just makes it so much harder. I told T I wish he had never said that to me.

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I used to be a people pleaser to a certain extent. It is something very important to work through for all sorts of reasons. Was this upsetting to hear for you?

Not upsetting, more like surprising. It was´n't upseting at first, now I'm not so sure. Up to now, T told me over and over that I was being challenging, which I agree with. I use so many defenses, I have trouble talking and opening up to him. I know I please people IRL, I just wasn't aware I did it with T. Challenging, most definitedly, pleasing no. Plus how can I be challenging and pleasing at the same time? I'm confused now and upset with T for making the whole thing even harder for me. Now I don't know what I'm doing or saying.

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It can be a defense, a way of making something uncomfortable..comfortable, or way of making ourselves 'look good' when we think we don't, or making the frightening..safer, or an opposite--a cover-up for anger because of a fear of feeling or expressing anger.

((((((((Echoes))))))) This makes so much more sense when you put it this way. I'm so guilty of that, that's why T calls me "challenging". I deflect, avoid, etc...He also told me that being supernice, agreeable and always smiling works for me at work, with friends, when I volunteer, but that in session he wants to see the real me. T says that if I'm upset, I should show him that.

[coconut64]

((((((((((hangingon))))))))))

I'm like you, I tend to be very comfy doing things for other people but when someone wants to do something for me I get very uncomfortable. I wonder why it is so hard for us to accept other's kindness.

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

As a child I think I tried really hard to please those adults from whom I wanted attention. I was so needy. At school I learned that if I was a good "rule follower" I would get the kind of attention I wanted. So, I ALWAYS followed the rules. (Until I turned 15 but that's another story altogether....)Now, with T I am working through my role as victim and I sit here wondering what relationship it might have to do with the role of pleaser. I think there is connection somehow but I can't quite articulate it. Hmmmmmm.

(((((((((((((MC))))))))))))

I too became a rule follower at home so I could avoid being punished and hit. T says that I was only loved when I was the "good girl" so that's one way this was born. My father threatened me with killing me if I didn't do what he said, plus he said that I would be responsibible for breaking my family apart if I didn't comply. I guess all these marked the beginning of something. I'm in my 30s, it hard to accept that this stuff still controls me somehow.

[quote]I would think it probably had more to do with the content of the dream or the timing of telling it. Did you tell it at a point when you wanted to deflect something else?.[quote]

I probably was deflecting, I have been avoiding talking about the hard stuff. I told T last week that we were running out of safe topics to talk about.

[coconut64]

((((((((((((((((EM, KTgirl, Mouse))))))))))))))))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by coconut64

I told T last week that we were running out of safe topics to talk about.

you are very brave. Good for you!!!! keep up the good work!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Still, I feel uncomfortable that he wants to do this with me. In my mind it will make me feel like I owe him. I also feel this sort of robbery of my freedom, I know that's irrational, but still, it sends my mind in that direction.

I think it's nice that he does this, but being the indepenant person I am, it bothers me some.

maybe I just suck in relationships, I worry too much and feel like I am being smoothered.

Does independence mean control and dependence mean loss of control?

I had to learn about relationships from the toddler level. I had to learn everything and I was in my 30's! What else can we do? Figure out where we are and work from there. It can all come together................ Keep working!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Now, with T I am working through my role as victim and I sit here wondering what relationship it might have to do with the role of pleaser. I think there is connection somehow but I can't quite articulate it. Hmmmmmm

Victims don't realize the control they have over their lives (not children of course) and people pleasers are also giving away control over their lives by focusing on others and not what they want???????????