I HATE this. I bumped up against a boundary. That almost never happens - in fact, the only times it has happened, it's been about something silly (like the time I begged him to let me wear his watch!).

So, I had session yesterday, and something was wrong with T's back. He was moving really gingerly and was obviously in pain. He told me he was going to the doctor today. I asked him how it happened and he kind of waved it off, so I dropped it because we had a LOT to cover in session.

Today I asked him to tell me what the doctor said....and he told me that he has a big support system, and that I don't have to worry, and that I need to focus on me, and that the only time he'll tell me about his health is when it makes him act different in session so I am not confused.

I TOTALLY get it. BUT!!! My mind goes to the worst case scenario..both of my parents had a pain, and my dad ended up dying 9 months later at the age of 56 and my mom ended up with breast cancer (now probably bone cancer) a couple of years after he died.

If T just has a pulled muscle or a slipped disc or whatever, I wish he would just tell me. He doesn't want me to think about it...but I feel like it's ALL I will think about unless he is just honest with me about it. What if something is really wrong?? I don't need to know the exact diagnosis, or what med he is taking, or who his doctor is, or whatever. I just need to know he is okay.

Boundaries confuse me sometimes. T has been super super super open, especially in the past few months, about things in his life. If he is pulling back now, that doesn't feel fair.

Blah! What do I do??

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((treehouse))))

I know you are worried about T, but trust that he does have a support system and that he can and will take care of yourself---he wants you to take care of you and not you take care and worry about him. I know it's "natural" for you to want to slip into the caretaker role, but T doesn't want you to do that with him.

I know you are confused about why he did tell you what was wrong with him, esp if he has disclosed stuff to you in the past, but maybe he feels like you have enough on your plate right now and doesn't want you to be worried about him too--even though you already are by not knowing. If it's really bothering you the next time you see T, can you ask him why now he chose not to tell you what is going on with him? Would it make you feel any better if you knew what happened to him? Would you be less worried and concerned? Maybe you can ask him to reassure you that he is okay without giving any further details....

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

My mind goes to the worst case scenario..both of my parents had a pain, and my dad ended up dying 9 months later at the age of 56 and my mom ended up with breast cancer (now probably bone cancer) a couple of years after he died.

Tell exactly this to the T.

[Hearty]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I TOTALLY get it. BUT!!! My mind goes to the worst case scenario..both of my parents had a pain, and my dad ended up dying 9 months later at the age of 56 and my mom ended up with breast cancer (now probably bone cancer) a couple of years after he died.

If T just has a pulled muscle or a slipped disc or whatever, I wish he would just tell me. He doesn't want me to think about it...but I feel like it's ALL I will think about unless he is just honest with me about it. What if something is really wrong?? I don't need to know the exact diagnosis, or what med he is taking, or who his doctor is, or whatever. I just need to know he is okay.

Hi Treehouse,

I agree with Pachyderm. You should tell your therapist exactly what you wrote here.
I think he should tell you so that you can focus on your therapy and not his health.
I hope he does for your benefit.

Morningcalm

I will tell him in session tomorrow what I wrote here....in fact, I already left a message and told him, and told him I want to talk about it tomorrow.

I KNOW I will not be able to focus on therapy, or me, or whatever he wants me to focus on, unless I know he is okay...or even NOT okay...but I don't want to have to guess. I will just get lost in it.

I hope he'll understand and tell me what I need to know.

Just chiming in to say I can see why it would be upsetting, and I agree that you should discuss that...but I also think that, well, he is a person too and it's important to be respectful of his boundaries about his health. Some people just like to keep health concerns to themselves, especially if he really is concerned about something. Anyway, I hope it's nothing serious and I hope he can give you some reassurance about that. I can just sort of see how if I were in that situation I might react as he is... ((((((((treehouse))))))))

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I will tell him in session tomorrow what I wrote here....in fact, I already left a message and told him, and told him I want to talk about it tomorrow.

I KNOW I will not be able to focus on therapy, or me, or whatever he wants me to focus on, unless I know he is okay...or even NOT okay...but I don't want to have to guess. I will just get lost in it.

I hope he'll understand and tell me what I need to know.

(((((((Treehouse)))))))))))-
I hate boundaries not just by the fact that it is what they are, but because it is painful when our Ts push us away, which to me is what it feels like. I know your T will help you work through this. It's so nice that you get to see him tomorrow so you don't have to sit and worry about it! Let us know how it goes!!!!!!
love you

[deliquesce]

(((tree)))

i dont think it is a "boundary" in the sense that T is trying to push you away... i thinkhe is doing it so that he (and you!) can focus on you. boundaries aren't all about Ts pulling back. (pls dont point out that i can give better advice to others than myself).

im glad this will be addressed tomorrow. i think needs to tell you one thing, even if he doesn't tell you if he is ok or not: that regardless of his condition, he is still capable of looking after you. if this turns out to be something bad, he can still look after you within that constraint, even if it means helping you process it. he won't abandon you and he has still has you in mind.

Originally Posted by notme9

Just chiming in to say I can see why it would be upsetting, and I agree that you should discuss that...but I also think that, well, he is a person too and it's important to be respectful of his boundaries about his health. Some people just like to keep health concerns to themselves, especially if he really is concerned about something. Anyway, I hope it's nothing serious and I hope he can give you some reassurance about that. I can just sort of see how if I were in that situation I might react as he is... ((((((((treehouse))))))))

Yeah, I can get what you are saying

I really, really don't want to know the details, just a general idea of if he is okay or not. I mean, if it is a pulled muscle (for example) it seems like it would be so easy for him to say that and for us to move on. And then since he won't say that (which would be so simple) it scares me that it is something more serious, like with both of my parents, and that he's going to die Because that is my experience.

I'm sure we'll work through it today. And Deli said the same thing my H said - that what I really need to know is something along the lines of "what's going on won't affect your therapy". I guess I do need to know that. But I WANT to know if he is okay or not.

Blah!

[Luce]

Not amny words tonight

but i have this one -


trust.

trust T to take care of T.
even in your fear
and past experience

T says "trust me" I will take care of this, i will let you know if my health ever impacts on a session

feel your fear and trust anyway

[Brian37]

ive come to the conclusion that therapists fall into 2 categories:

those who open up and are not afraid to mix in their lives and thoughts during session

and those who have no desire to do anything but respond to your actions/words

ive had both and prefer the "open" therapist

just my two cents

Originally Posted by Brian37

ive had both and prefer the "open" therapist

I do too...and he did tell me what's wrong with his back today and I feel better

[chaotic13]

I think my T has found a way to do both. I know enough about her to feel like it is a genuine interaction, but not enough the I get confused about what I am there fore or worry about offending or saying something against her belief.