[biiv]

feeling very very vulnerable. i have this ... serious need... for something. i need ... something.

T on monday and talked about not being able to do everything by myself. said i talked to my mum and had explained to her that i need her to be the grown up in our relationship sometimes. at least 50% of the time. told T i had listened to mum crying and yelling at me on the phone for an hour because i had said to her i was hurt and upset and angry that she had forgotten something very important to me. after an hour i cracked and lost my cool and just started saying i need her and crying so hard i couldnt talk properly. that sort of hiccuppy crying. finally at that she became my mum again and said she would try to be there more for me.

anyway T asked why i needed her to be there and i said cos i cant do everything by myself. sometimes i need someone there. so T said we would have to work on finding out why i feel i need her and cant do everything myself so i could become not totally dependent on her. tears leaking out a little even as im writing this. im so petfified of losing my mum and that support. i dont understand whats happening. i dont understand why i need someone there and whats wrong with that. why do i need too much? why do i end up in a place where i cant function and am just trying to survive?

then told T thats where i am. just trying not to hurt myself. she said 'well you dont need to go there'. this was at the end of the session. now shes gone away and it will be 3 weeks before i see her again. 2 and a half now. ive been trying not to feel about it but this morning i realised i feel horribly horribly abandoned. i feel abandoned and ... i cant even figure out what else but not good at all. inside aches. im scared. i seem to be scared a lot. really scared. sigh.

i just needed to write. sorry.

[pachyderm]

(((((biiv)))))

[biiv]

thank you pachyderm.

Guess i should have read peaches surrender post before i posted this. I think thats what i need. T or someone to take care of me. ive also been thinking about what people were saying about not letting someone care for me and i realise that is really true. The first sign of someone caring for me and i disappear as fast as i can. A friend of mine has been asking me what events he can go to during the pride festival to show his support for me and i keep insisting he doesn’t have to come to anything unless he thinks he ll have fun and wants to go himself. Thats just a small example. I dont think my T would let herself care for me though. Too professional. Why do i run away so fast from what i desperately want?? If i looked for that from T and she didn’t give it to me what would i do? Id go mad. Even more mad than now. I dont know how to look after myself when i get to that place where i feel ... totally helpless and aching. I dont have it in me

[Yoda]

bilv, I can relate to your feelings of needing somebody. When my relationship ended with my boyfriend ten years ago I was petrified with the responsibilites of taking care of my child, house, and farm. I had always had him there to know what to do and I was so scared because I didn't know how I could manage on my own.

I had/have the support of a wise therapist who said to take it one day at a time. I also have some support from my mother. I have few friends but my internet virtual friends help me alot.

I have found that I can take care of some things but there are still some things I need help with. My BF used to cut down trees and split them into firewood and haul it to our house to burn. Clearly I can't cut down trees but I did find people who would deliver wood and a couple of times people cut wood on my property and gave me some and they took some.

Caring for the lawn is difficult for me. I don't know why. I know how to use a lawnmower but I didn't and the weeds grew waist high and I was so embarrassed but I finally found somebody who would weedeat for me.

Cleaning my house is the most difficult thing for me to do. When I have some money left over (seldom) I hire a friend to come clean for me and pay her. That is really the biggest struggle that I deal with and I realize that I really do need help. I just can't do it myself, at least at this point in my life.

It is okay to need help. It actually is how families and communities were bonded a hundred years ago but with the onset of cars people became mobile and no longer had the groups working together to support each other.

Sometimes I just need a positive word or to talk about something that bothers me. Usually I look to my internet friends to talk me through it.

I wish you the best and I know how scary it is to be alone and not know if you can make it. If you ever just need to talk PM me and I will be there to support you.

[biiv]

thanks for sharing your experience yoda and for your support. its appreciated.