Words/Sayings Used in Therapy

I think what I've discovered is that where there is a trigger, there is something deeper involved. It is much deeper than meets the eye initially or what has been affecting you on the surface. And the only way (for me anyhow) to know why and understand why is to get right into the middle of it. Or as I've said before...to run right into the middle of the burning house and let the flames burn you. Inside those flames you'll get your answer.

For months and months I was set off by the word "transference". I think avoiding the deep pain that was involved for me personally with that word had kept me from 100% letting go of my therapist. Earlier this month I decided to find out why. So I started out by thinking hard about just why the word bothered me so much. And what upset me most about it was the real possibility that the wonderful feelings I'd been experiencing weren't genuinely for my T. I'd read so much literature about transference and "erotic transference" and the descriptions hadn't matched what I felt. The behavior and feelings of those who had expereinced it didn't match mine.

Then I started thinking about my mom, who taught me how to love. I thought about watching her with my severely autistic brother while I was growing up. She took on the task of caring for him, no questions asked, no complaints made...day after day and year after year. She received little back from him, as he does not speak and shows little if any affection. It was a lonely and isolated existence for her but she took it on with a smile and a hug for him every day.

I realized then that I pattern my way of loving after her. I realized that within every one of my relationships I strive to attain a very giving love...a love that accepts others for who they are unconditionally...a love that appreciates every little nuance and gesture and everything that makes a person who they are. And this is what then I achieved in the room with my therapist. This is the way that I am able to love him. This is why the feelings are so perfect...because inside my unconscious mind this is what I'd been seeking. This is my perfect love. And I think why would I do this with him? He's my therapist. But I know now that there is some part of me who would want to love anyone and love them in this way. I really liked this part that I found out about myself. I found out that I receive by giving.

So why then the trigger? Why then the pain? Keeping our family together wasn't an easy task. My brother lived at home until my mother passed away. I saw her daily struggle and the way she kept pushing forward despite it all. I saw her cry in silence in a lonely corner when she thought no one was watching. People often said hurtful things. My brother wasn't always accepted in this sometimes unforgiving world...and we had to protect him. We all took on the task of protecting our love for one another and protecting our family unit.

Transference? A word to me that threatens love and the sanctity of love. So on the surface...protecting my feelings for my T, but going deeper...protecting all love as sacred...and even deeper than that...protecting my family. And I had my answers.

I feel pretty peaceful, though I still don't like that word much. In my mind, some things are too beautiful to disturb and should be left alone. When one looks off in the distance and sees the sun rising above the horizon, one wants to take in the purity and beauty of that moment. One wants to appreciate the simple, unspoken pleasures in life. I found the very best of me while I was with him and he helped me find it. I could never diminish the value of that relationship. It will always be very special to me.

Not sure where all of that came from out of the word "trigger", but...I know I've been thinking about all of this a lot recently and writing about it.

Maybe it's time to write a sappy poem or something, lol.

I think some people here like to use the word "trigger" when they have no real knowing if its a real trigger or a real reaction. Some use it in a condecending way...that I dont like...if they say my post may trigger, then thats fine, but to tell someone else that they are triggered isn't fine in my mind...sometimes its a get out clause...

I would never mean it as a "get out clause". I would mention it as a warning that I may not be myself during the discussion. I may become angry and defensive or immature...and please forgive my behavior.

Sunrise: But I'm not sure how to deal with the thing triggering me so that it doesn't trigger me anymore. I guess talk about it in therapy?

I think the idea that talking about stuff will make it better is only part of the picture. I think discussing it and being open about it exposes your fears and helps you to better understand and deal with those fears. It is then up to you to find peace with it. I'm not as triggered as I used to be by the word because I understand why now it triggers me. But I still prefer not to use it much.

bether, I wasn't really referring to you...I was just talking in general, where I've been told I've been triggered...but you reaffirmed what I was posting, that its ok to say "YOU" are triggered, but its not ok to tell someone else THEY are triggered, when they may have legitimate cause...hope that makes sense...if doesn't I may start to feel misunderstood and get triggered LOL!!!!

I totally understand.

Melbadaze, I understand what you are saying and I have noticed that too. I think some people just use the word "triggered" more lightly or broadly than I do. (I think I am the same way with "transference".) I think as long as they use the words to apply to themselves, then that is fine. But I don't want someone to cast a broad brush and label me a way that doesn't fit my narrower/more precise definition of the word. But yeah, it happens, and I usually don't get prickly, but sometimes, in certain situations, I don't respond well! (It is "triggering" for me. )

I don't see the word trigger as dismissive or bad when T and I use it...I don't use it in the moment to say something is triggering, rather, I use it in a past tense. Like, "that situation was really triggering for me," or something like that. I never use it as a dismissive term...just as a realistic, this is what's going on term.

To me, or i should say, in my own life, triggers aren't really avoidable things. Triggers are situations that are unavoidable...things that I have to deal with in the moment. I don't use the word as something to avoid something else in T. I try not to avoid subjects in T, even if they may be triggering. I only have 50 minutes a week to work through a whole life of crap, so I try not to waste any time outright avoiding potentially triggering times.

I don't think the word "trigger" was ever mentioned once during my therapy. It is something that I've only just begun to recognize in myself recently. I have no problem with the word.

It just seems the more I find out and discover about all of this stuff, the more fascinated I become. I've always been interested in psychology, human behavior, dynamics in relationships etc.etc, but having had this extremely personal experience through my own therapy has ignited a passion in me. This stuff is cool...even when it gets under your skin. The answers are always interesting to find.

I'm feeling better now. Thanks everyone for listening to me gripe and spill my guts.

bether, i'm glad you're coming to a bit of peace over this . for what it's worth, your relationship with your T seems very "real" and grounded to me and not transference-like at all. i experience really bad bouts of transference at times, but i can (usually) recognise when they are happening. i am very secure in the real relationship i share with my pdoc, but i certainly have gone through some really heavy periods of transference (both erotic, idolising and demonising - woohoo!! i score all three!!). it is a weird place to be. it actually comforts me to know that i am experiencing transference, and am not responding to the real person in front of me. because i love my real-pdoc and when i am going through my transference patches i get very very scared about who this new monster may well be. even when i am idolising him or something - that is something very scary to me... giving over so much power to someone else and being beholden to them. so yah - for the most part, i savour the knowledge that i go through periods of transference. i do not consider it love, which is something real and based on (pretty much) accurate expectations of the other person and a certain groundedness in your interactions with them. transference is like relating to someone through a mind warp. at least that's been my experience of it, anyway.

but - oh!! - i remember my old-T once suggesting i was responding to him as if he were someone from my past (he didn't use the word "transference" with me). i felt like scratching his sodding eyes out. but () i had to admit (to myself! never to him!!) that he was probably right. a few months later it did actually click into place who i had subconsciously thought he was, and how much my interactions with that person were replayed over with this T. i remember the next time i went in to session and i looked at him - and the T i saw in front of my was completely different to whom i'd been experiencing before!!! just basic things, like he had wrinkles around his eyes (person in my head was about 10 years younger), and his T's were hazel instead of blue. i had always been very disdainful of the 'transference' thing before (kind of like Ts use it as an excuse to throw their behaviour back onto a client and not accept responsibility for how they are contributing to a situation?) but i did gain a certain amount of respect for the idea afterwards.

also - just wondering what ppl's definitions of the word "trigger" involve. my definition of it varies depending on the situation i am dealing with, but thinking about the discussion that has gone on here... it sounds like i have a different idea of what it entails that do other people.

anyone care to share their ideas?

Thanks so much, Deli.

I think the transference part for me comes from finding something within myself and (at least partially) projecting those feelings onto him because he'd been there holding my hand through it all. So nothing like you describe experiencing, nothing from my past...just my best potential love that I was able to find within myself in that relationship. I know the feelings also have something to do with him and who he is as a person. It's still pretty special and I can hold onto that.

Trigger? For me it means that something sets you off in a way that you don't normally get set off. When I first experienced the feeling during therapy, I didn't even recognize the emotion I was feeling. It was rage and I'd never felt rage before. My blood was boiling and I didn't even know how to react. I remember telling T that it felt as if I'd been injected with the wrong blood type. And from what I've experienced, a trigger is a message that there is something deeper involved than meets the eye. Maybe even very deep...Of course I've just been recently been putting this all together and so am still learning from my therapy experience even after I've left. How do you experience it, Deli?

Maybe this is something that actually happens often but I don' trecognize it? twice I would definitely use that word for what happened -

once I was in a four way conversation in which things got wayyyyyy out of hand for me (anger), and much later, I realized that the scenario had reconstructed an old, old scene...

the second time I misinterpreted T's motives badly (very badly)... and finally, finally, finally, through much anguish and journalling, I ended up saying..... well, hello Mom. When I related it all to T, she said, YES - which made me feel good (I guess. The price was high, though.)

triggering..... it's strange - painful - disconcerting - confusing - alarming - but ultimately, if I can just live through it lol, it's enlightening.
It works; but what a system; I hate it.

trigger for me means I see or hear or experience somthing that brings me back to a previous event emotionally

i had a pdoc appt and he had a dark suit on and as he walked towards me I got terrfied for no reason - that is what i cal a trigger

or T said come see me next thurs but only if you want to - (T later said this was badly worded and he meant if it was ok for me) triggered my abandonment issues - T wants to stop seeing me.....

jmo

For me, a trigger is something that brings me back to a feeling/memory from the past. Usually a feeling- a strong one.

My triggers help me learn what I need to work on. Being aware of them has helped to move my therapy forward, for sure. But, yuck, I hate them.