Words/Sayings Used in Therapy

I've been thinking about this lately. During my course of therapy and in trying to understand my feelings for my therapist, there were words used over and over again in literature that struck me as insensitive and negative. Some examples...

"resolving" transference: implies something broken that needs to "fixed" or a wrong that needs to righted

Words I like better: "understand" and "accept" that your past affects who you are in the present and how you behave within relationships

"unhealthy" attachment: judgmental and negative in my mind

Maybe instead: Not being free or true to yourself within a relationship. Behaviors within your relationship are disadvantageous to strengthening the bond in a way that is positive for personal emotional growth and happiness.

"Your feelings are really for a person from your past. " or simply "transference": diminishing, devaluing and hurtful

Instead: Responding to someone in present time in much the same way you responded to someone from your past. Your past experiences affect your motivations, beliefs and behaviors in the present

"Termination" of therapy: implies some sort of death or punishment

How about: "Your personal emotional growth has now shown that you are ready to fly solo and no longer need my assistance in coping with your everyday life. It is time for you to move on and continue to grow, knowing that this relationship has been internalized (ideally) within yourself.

I've just come to better understand my feelings for my therapist in the past month, but all of these things which I read along the way were not helpful to me. Maybe I read too much...Of course the transference part was what always triggered me because I personally value love as a sacred thing. I just think that wording things a little more gently and sensitively would have made it easier for me in the process. Just a thought...

My therapist used the gentle approach, I might add, but reading about all of this ended up being pretty upsetting at the time.

And I'm sure there are many more words that I dislike. I'll add them as I think of them.

I hate hearing the words "usual, unusual, normal, and abnormal." T is very good about not using these. Instead of saying that my feelings are normal, she says "what you are feeling is expected."

(((((((((((((((bether))))))))))))))))))

Yeah, I'm not crazy about those words either. Or, I do think that some of those words describe something - like transference does describe when we bring feelings from the past into a relationship we are in currently - but I don't like when they are used to de-value something that is so intimate and personal.

I am positive that my T loves me, and I know I love him. Those feelings are not transference. We are two real people in a real relationship, a relationship that is intimate in a way that is different from any other relationship. We genuinely enjoy each others company. And he is helping me heal, something he is passionate about, and something I am so grateful for.

There IS transference in our relationship sometimes. Sometimes I start assuming he is thinking or feeling a certain thing, and it is totally tied to the past and not to the present. Or I get angry at him, and the anger is old anger, not really about something he has done. That transference doesn't make our relationship any less "real", any less than the transference that comes up sometimes with my husband, or my best friend makes our relationships any less real.

We talk about foods being "unhealthy" for us, so why not behaviors? Maybe it's a matter of opinion whether something is healthy or not, but I think everyone basically knows what is healthy vs. unhealthy.

"Transference" is a technical word and has a definition. I don't see anything wrong with it. I think "resolving the transference" should be used when the transference becomes a problem.

I also hate the word "termination" for ending therapy. It sounds like dying. "Quitting" doesn't sound right either. I like simply "ending therapy."

Some expressions I didn't like my T using, and I'm the first to say that she really shouldn't talk like this: She would say "borderlines" act this way or that way. She should say "those with BPD" (though I agree that takes 3 words instead of 1).

I also don't like the way she tells me "my 11:30 is here". She recently told me that when we were talking on the phone. I guess I'm a 1:30 or whatever I used to be! I know she doesn't think of clients as times, and it's a shorthand way of talking that she probably doesn't realize affects anyone, but "my next client is here" would be much better. Or "someone is waiting to see me." Sometimes she did say it that way, but I've heard the other way more often.

Personally, I don't think it's so clear-cut all of the time. Breaking down this distinction has helped me resolve a lot of the shame I have felt about how I responded to being abused. What I once saw as objectively unhealthy and abnormal, I can now see as coping the best way I could.

Like fallenangel, I really like getting away from words that dichotomize my experience. It helps me see myself in a more loving, balanced light. My counselor refers to me as someone with post-traumatic stress reactions, as opposed to post-traumatic stress disorder. This may seem minor, but I appreciate language that depathologizes me. I'm not crazy or weird or sick, and I like language that reflects that!

I agree, it's the way that T's phrase things that makes it either more comfortable or less.

When T and I talk about depression, she doesn't say "you have depression." Instead she says "you are suffering from depression." To recognize it as a disease or a disorder makes it sound final and unmanageable, but to say it is something that simply ails me makes it sound more manageable and, ultimately possibly treatable. It's the subtleties that I tend to pick up on the most.

One thing my T does that has become rather endearing to me... instead of asking that dreaded question, "How does that make you feel?", my T will often ask, "What do you make of that?" Occasionally, she will ask me outright, "How do you feel right now?" if she sees me having a physical reaction to something. But overall, I like that she doesn't use the typical 'shrink talk'.

That's an interesting perspective, one I never thought about. Being new to psychodynamic therapy, I've been reading the psycyhoanalytic journals lately too.

Lables are often necessary as an effective way to communicate concepts. It's just easier to facilitate discussions with definitions/lables.

IMO, I think the reaction you are feeling may be due to the objectifying nature of the content. It's very objectifying.

Yeah, maybe that's it because it just makes everything seem so impersonal. And it's funny how just about everything with me always comes back to protecting love. I realize now that "unhealthy attachment" sets me off because the word "unhealthy" is used with the word "attachment", therefore the attachment is being labeled and not the behavior within it. And so I am protecting the attachment or protecting love...again.

"Transference" still gets to me even though I know why now. I have had feelings of love for my therapist for quite some time now. This love is largely pure and sweet and feels familial and unconditional. The romantic element is there, but only in the background. It is my "perfect love" that I found with him in the room. It is quite beautiful and the very best of me. Because of my family situation while growing up, love is really something to behold and treasure so the label has been very difficult and painful for me to take. I would be reading about it and come across the words "erotic transference" and my stomach would just turn. I think in the end I've come to realize that accepting my feelings for him to be partly transference would mean that I'd have to accept that I couldn't share them with him in any small way, even in thought. It is still difficult to have a dictionary spelling out your feelings when they are so pretty in nature. There is so much tied to the word that implies some kind of falsehood. It almost feels violating in nature for a word to be running around through the most beautiful part of yourself. It's almost as if it would tap at the door and I'd scream back "Hey, get out of here. This is private. This is between T and I. You can't come in." Love is a precious thing and everything always seems to come back to that for me.

Late at night ramblings...

I don't like "transference" either because some people use it with a much broader definition than I do--to describe any situation where the client and therapist are very close and connected. That is how I am with my therapist, but it is not transference. Our relationship is in the here and now and is not my past relationship with a parent that I am transferring onto him. I have genuine feelings for HIM, TODAY. We have known each other so long and shared many intimate moments. We are close in our own right. I think clients and therapists sometimes use "transference" to push each other away, rather than admit they are genuinely close. I can understand that clients might find this scary and have a hard time tolerating the strong feeling, but therapists should know better! And be able to handle it better!

I have experienced transference with my T a few specific times. It was negative transference (like something he did reminded me of my XH.) I have been able to spot it right away and so not get caught up in the misdirected emotion.

My T has only used the word "transference" once, and it was not in relation to us, but more in passing, and he used it in verbal quote marks. My T, in general, doesn't use a lot of psych words or terms. He is also very straightforward and doesn't turn my questions back onto me, evading my question by asking me one himself. He did this just once that I can remember, and as he did it, he prefaced that behavior with an apology, saying something like, "I'm not trying to avoid your question but I wanted to ask you one first before I answer..." I love how he did that! I detest game playing, and he knows it.

Bether, I agree with you that the phrase "resolving transference" is especially yucky. I don't know what it means to "resolve". Perhaps, for those who are transferring feelings from parents or lovers onto their Ts, it means having genuine feelings for the T himself rather than for someone else.

I agree "unhealthy" is not a great term, but I feel I have healthy attachment with my T, and when I first started out, it was kind of obsessive and not as healthy, so by contrast I called it "unhealthy". I'm not sure what is a better contrasting term to use.

I also don't like "termination of therapy". I prefer "ending therapy."

I totally agree!!! It always has really bothered me to see this. Have you heard of "person first" language? That is where you don't refer to the person as a condition or a disease, but as a person having a certain condition. We are so much more than any one disorder.
http://www.csun.edu/~ffrc/person1st.html

Yuck!!! rainbow, did you ever tell her how that made you feel?

Skeksi, my PNP has told me that I have ADHD-like symptoms as opposed to ADHD. I respond well to that.

The title of your thread is "words/sayings used in therapy." The words you have mentioned are all negative things that you don't like. Do you like any words or phrases from therapy?

I'm caught with this one really. Part of me wants to say yes some words aren't useful, but part of me wonders if its just my resistence to them and would I be better to understand why I feel resistant and then that would become useful. I think for me a word T uses is "fantasy" and I didn't like that word at first, had a lot of resistance to it, but now?? I'm fine with it, doesn't disturb me at all, so I;m a little resistant to just blame the word I suppose, after all, I'm a big gal now

Melbadaze, I was resistant to the word "abuse" when T would use it in connection to what I had experienced. I would even ask him to stop saying that. And he wouldn't. He said it was abuse and he wasn't going to pretend it wasn't and that I was trying to minimize things. Those are times in therapy that were not fun. I've become a bit better about using that word, but it still jars. One reason I disliked "abuse" was if I used that word, then it meant I was a victim, and I didn't want to be a victim--that is not part of my identity. T and I had quite a few discussions on whether a person who experienced abuse is necessarily a victim. He tried to get me to break that association in my mind, so I could use the word "abuse" in regard to myself without feeling that that made me a victim. I think word choice and language are so important.

I hate the word "fantasy". How did I forget that one?

I guess, to me, a lot of these words sound judgmental and negative. But that is part of being open and exposed like one is in the therapy room, I suppose. Everything you're discussing is so personal.

You do have a point about resistance and that was definitely there for me with "transference", but I also figured out why I was resisting it. Still don't like it much...

Originally Posted by rainbow8

We talk about foods being "unhealthy" for us, so why not behaviors? Maybe it's a matter of opinion whether something is healthy or not, but I think everyone basically knows what is healthy vs. unhealthy.

I think with foods, the answer is pretty much black and white and less subjective. I don't think I would have a problem with labeling the behaviors. I might have a problem with labeling the attachment, though. That then becomes much more personal and of course I would want to defend it...

I used to shudder every time my T used the word "molest", but that was a different kind of thing because it fit. I needed to hear it because I'd been in denial about what had actually happened.

I've always thought of my relationship with my T in the here and now. The word "love" sounds soft on the ears and has a positive connotation. "Transference" sounds cold and yucky and clinical. Of course, that's just my personal opinion. T did tell me it was "just a word". I wrote something for T a few weeks ago that expressed why I was fighting the word transference. Would it be okay to share something so personal on here?

I've triggered myself, lol. I'm not afraid of it, though. I wanted to know why words trigger me.

As far as positive words used in therapy, my T was very good at putting things gently. I'd have to think on specifics.

my T says my avoidance is "short term gain long term pain" and he's right

T uses the words abuse and victim and I told him I hate them and he smiles and says "yes thats why I use them" he is trying to desensitise me to the words but I still cringe and growl at the words.

He often quotes things from Albert Ellis and tries to put on an american accent lol

Analyzing self...

I'm guessing most of the words that upset me are again felt by me as someone judging me within my relationships or as an attack of some sorts on what I hold dear to my heart...my love for another. So darned if it doesn't all seem to lead back to the protecting love thing...

But then others descriptions of my relationships shouldn't really be upsetting when I know what they are to me. And what I shared with my T is ever so precious in my eyes and heart and always will be no matter what it's called by anyone. And what it has done for me is all positive. Just a word, like T said. I don't have to be afraid of a word when I know my feelings.

I think maybe then I also need to work more on accepting criticism and using that as a source of knowledge to make gains and to not perceive it as a put down.

I remember when I first started therapy I felt as if receiving anything made me a selfish person. And T taught me to accept the good feelings and it was okay to allow that. I had such a difficult time with that but eventually I got there. I used to have trouble with words such as "self-serving", but not anymore. I try to see that in a more positive light.

I like the words "positive", "accept", "enlighten". Figures, huh?

I don't like the phrase "acting out" -- it's kind of like saying "acting up," as in, what little kids do.

I don't like "acting out" either, peaches.

Some others I don't like:
--"patient" when used to refer to a person in therapy
--"mental illness" in some usages (some people use that phrase to describe ways of being that I do not consider to be pathological)
--"treatment plan"
--"diagnosis"
--"homework"

Therapy-related phrases/words I like:
"healing"
"journey"
"share"

Another one I like:

"connection"

and also

"we" (when T says "we will get through this")

I love those as well, tree!

I love the word "together." I'm so used to going through things alone, T saying that we will work through something together is so welcoming and inviting.

I like those too. "Attunement" is another good one. I know there are lots more positive ones.

My T has never mentioned transference to me. She seems to avoid telling me or implying that I'm damaged or need to fix anything. If anything she continually challenges me when I make these observations about myself.

I think the only thing that has gotten me up in arms is, "Your therapuetic assignment is..." My first thought was, "WTF?! Can't you talk like a normal person?" I'd prefer something like, "What I'd like to challenge you with this month is..." or "Maybe you'd like to try doing ________ and see if it works better for you." But that was my pdoc. I think my T knows better. I actually don't mind a lot of terminology or therapy-speak. It makes sense to me. But for some reason I'm still riled up about "therapeutic assignment."

I have mixed feelings about the word "trigger." I never used it much before therapy. But my T does use it fairly frequently.

I get the sense, from some people I know, that their goal is to avoid triggers at all costs. I do have triggers, but I don't want to respond to them with avoidant behavior. One could spend a lot of energy avoiding triggers. I want to learn why things are triggers for me and overcome my squeamishness/fear/avoidance. I think triggers are good clues to "inside stuff" and can point in the direction of discovery and growth. If I keep getting triggered by the same thing, then that means I haven't healed there yet. I don't think I'll heal by avoiding the trigger. But I'm not sure how to deal with the thing triggering me so that it doesn't trigger me anymore. I guess talk about it in therapy?

Anyway, the reason "trigger" is a word that doesn't always sit well with me is because sometimes I think it can be used it as an excuse for avoidant behavior. "Oh, that's a trigger" (therefore it's OK to never deal with it). It's like calling something a trigger puts it in a "never can be surmounted" category, like being a trigger means forever.

late night babbling

^ i would hope any half way decent T would call their client out on it, if their client consistently used the "trigger, therefore refuse to go there" as an excuse.

the way i see it, i have triggers and this is ok. it is important for me to be able to identify them. once i have identified them, i can choose to avoid situations where they might be present or i can use them as an opportunity to learn/grow/heal. my choice as to what path to take is largely determined by the other stressors going on in my life. e.g., i try to avoid triggers during assessment phases (all the time during semester!!) but i'm quite good with trying to confront them when i don't need to hold it together so much.

i've never come across the idea that trigger = insurmountable, at least coming from a T. i think most Ts would strongly support the view you put forward, sunny .

Deli, I didn't mean that T's think that or encourage that. It's people who are not T's that I have heard that from (if they've identified something as a trigger, they won't ever grapple with it--hence "insurmountable"). I get that drift anyway.

T and I have talked about triggers in relationships. Sometimes couples who have lived together for a while can come to be triggered all the time by each other and get kind of locked into this stuck-for-good-in-triggerland way of being. T said when couples get like this it's very hard for them to get unstuck without professional help. That's why learning what you are triggered by is so important, and learning how to talk to the other person about it is equally so. Not that I do any of these things well...