intimidated of T?

Ripley I must have missed this post or something before...but WOW, thank you! I really want to believe what I bolded; that that is what my T believes, and not "Oh, you are BORING. All you do is whine and complain about the same things over and over and do nothing about it!"

My therapy appt is tomorrow morning I am really good at forgetting everything I have thought in the past two weeks when I'm in there, as well as telling myself that it isn't that big of a deal. Well, I am actually telling myself that now. It feels like SO LONG ago that I thought and felt this. So, obviously I don't anymore and its not an issue! Even so, I am writing down notes to take in with me tomorrow from my journal and posts here. That way when my mind goes blank, I'll have that sheet. I'm scared.

Man, ripley, I must have been in a fog when I read your posts!

This part really speaks to me. She really has been very patient. Whenever I get really frustrated about my "stuckness", she goes "I have nothing but time. I am patient" things like that. It usually just goes in one ear and out the other, or me thinking "Sure you have enough time! I'm paying you for it!" Hmmm....

UGH. I had session today...and did not do well in telling her what I think This is the e-mail I sent my roommate after because I was so stressed/upset. Stupid therapy!

i went in there with notes on what i wanted to talk about, and STILL couldn't do it. i did bring up the medication thing with her, and she said she suggested it because of all the stuff going on with you moving and stuff; that i seemed more stressed and thought this could help. that if i had gone and talked to him, that maybe nothing would change. it doesn't mean i have to increase them. that made me feel better, not like "you suck when you're depressed! up your meds!"

but then i squirmed about per usual and said it feels like it never gets any easier. she said it has seemed to get harder for me lately. i told her i didn't know what to do. i don't know what to talk about. she said there is no "should", just whatever is on my mind It doesnt have to be always about what to do with my life and goals, just what i'm feeling at that time. I don't know what i'm feeling most of the time. But I said I don't exactly know what it is that i'm afraid of--some reaction on her part to me, what she thinks of me. I could not get more detailed than that, AND she gave me an opening. She goes "Is it something I've said, my tone of voice?..." What I wanted to say was that the open-endeness/silence kind of makes me think about silence coming from my mom. Usually not a good thing--it meant she was angry about something. I tried to start to say it and she was like "You can say it, just say it dawn!". AND I COULDN'T. I just couldn't. It makes me feel so bad. I can't even
really place exactly why. Guilt, like I am comparing her to my mom and "accusing" her silence of meaning she's thinking negative things about me. It is my job to bring up whatever I need to, and i just can't! AH. I am really stressed/upset about this, and I don't know what to think or do.

She also mentioned that maybe I don't want to be in therapy if it feels this hard. Or maybe that a therapist that is more behavior/goal-oriented would work better for me. Great, now I'm a failure. I did tell her that made me feel worse, like I am failing at therapy. She told me that I am not failing, if anything she feel like she' failing me. See, those are the right words--and yet i can't believe them. She said she is not going anywhere, and she suggested that because she feels it is her job to if I am unhappy in there. Also the right words, and she said a few times that she is not kicking me out. Why can't I believe it? Why is this making me feel so awful? Why can't I say what I want to?

She also talked about how I have very deep trust issues, but as equally important, I don't want to face "it" (what that it is--i don't know) myself, even with no one else in the room. What don't I want to face? What should I be facing?

The Relaxation Response

by Benson & Klipper.

velcro

I have had this exact conversation with my T - she often encourages me to just let whatever is on my mind come up, but I'm such a planner - I go in there, talk about what I planned to say, and then just sit there like, "Okay, now what?" Thank goodness my T is patient with me and very gentle, she'll sometimes say, "It feels right to me to just sit here for a moment with what you just told me," something like that. And then that leads into other discussions.

I have totally been afraid of T's reaction to some things I've wanted to tell her. I know in my head that T won't judge me, but I am still afraid that somehow, I'll lose T if I tell her something bad.

Don't beat yourself up. Sure, it would be great to be able to tell your T that her silence reminds you of your mother's disapproving silence, but it's okay if it takes you another session or 10 more sessions to get that out. It sounds like your T is patient with you and doesn't want you going anywhere. It's hard when we put so much pressure on ourselves and then don't deliver in our minds - my T noted that I sometimes seem disappointed when I leave a session, and she wondered if it was her - I said no, just how the session goes sometimes, that I don't get out what I want to get out.

Hang in there, velcro!!!

thanks. i just wish this all didn't feel so HARD.

It can feel so hard.
It took me 9 months to do much but cry and stare at the floor. Then I decided to dive into the pool and see what happened. I still had no idea what to talk about. But I went in and told her I was going to start talking about just whatever, that I had decided to take a leap of faith and trust her and just see where it went.

Prior to this she said there was only one "rule": to say Anything and Everything that comes to mind. That's it.

In spite of my decision to talk and to trust her, it has been very slow going and the trust comes and goes. It can be there one second and then, poof it's gone.

We also have talked a lot about why it's hard to talk. I am so thankful she was willing to spend time talking about why it's hard to talk because I was able to get to the fears around that:
What if I say something stupid?!
What if I contradict myself!?
What if I say something that will make her send me packing?!
What if I want to change the subject?!
What if I say something that makes T not like me!?

Oh the layers! Tonight we talked about:
What if I say something that affects the connection we have?!

Now, I still often want to hold in my thoughts, but I am practicing stating that I am censoring (so I can be aware of it) and then she might ask if I know why and we talk about that, and usually I can get it out. It isn't necessarily anything big I am censoring; the most important part of this is what we discover in our exploring why I am censoring.

It has been 2 1/2 years and I sometimes I am still afraid to be myself, to speak openly, to admit some of my feelings (I mean, I know I'm immature or I wouldn't be there.. still.. ).

Tonight she said it is palpable, in the room, when I am angry. LOL I thought I covered it well, and I have been so afraid of it showing! Here, it's been showing all along. That changes everything. Hearing that was kind of embarrassing, but freeing too. No need to try so hard to hold it in if I'm not fooling her, if I'm not saving face/trying to make myself look good. Maybe now we can get to it sooner.

Keep going, keep talking as much as you can. It will come

Velcro, that sounds very familiar to me. Here is something I wrote on another forum in January:

last week my therapist did this thing of acting in a very neutral way towards me. She was not approving and also not disapproving. She just kept asking me questions. And I kept spinning and spinning, trying to come up with the right answers, but unable to read from her if I was getting it right. By the end of the session I was in state of quiet panic, and then we ran out of time. About five minutes after I left though, I was run over by the awareness that if I do not have cues from whoever I am with, I have no idea how or who to be. It feels like I don't exist. And that is terrifying.

I don't know if that relates to what you were writing about, but it is what immediately came to mind.

One thing I have found helpful when I am sitting there not knowing what I am feeling, is to be reminded to check in to see what physical sensations I am experiencing. Sometimes by paying attention to my body I can get focussed and come closer to naming a feeling.

But I really do spend a lot of time just sitting there feeling terrified like I used to when I was a kid. That seems to be part of the work for me, connecting that feeling to the past and separating it from my therapist. It took me months of very concerted effort to get my emotional self to understand that although she triggers the feelings from my relationship with my mother, she is not my mother. I made a point of noting how she behaved differently, spoke differently and even looked at me differently. At some point that made it possible for me to talk about the fear, and my expectation that she was going to judge / reject / abandon / vilify / (etc) me like my mother used to.

I hope you will just hang in there and give yourself a chance to learn to trust your therapist. It is not easy, but it is possible!!! Maybe try to be half as patient with yourself as she is with you.