[eskielover]

Fall is a very difficult time of the year for me, but my stress levels have been growing higher lately with the smallest of triggers & lack of sleep, that hasn't added to my ability deal with the things that are going on.

I came to the realization the other morning that it was time to go on another search to find a Therapist that would work. We had a large storm the night before & when I let my dogs out for their potty walk, I was walking around my farm. Tree branches down all over the place, the farm was looking overgrown, & an instant overwhelmed feeling hit me, knowing that I am caring for my farm by myself without the finances to really maintain it in the way it needs to be maintained & my own energy level for doing everything is not always there even though I am doing a pretty good job.

That overwhelmed feeling followed me into the grocery store that morning when I was picking up a few things & all of a sudden, I felt this really spacey floating feeling (my California pdoc called it depersonalization). It had only hit me a few times after I moved here & they were only after very stressful situations like a huge auto accident in front of my house & at Thanksgiving dinner with my friends last year which was a trigger from the last Thanksgiving dinner I had with my Mother when she was dying of cancer & before the trauma. The fall feel in the air is also a huge trigger for me.

I tried the first year to find a T, but he was too expensive even on top of my medicare coverage.....besides, all he did was sit there & listen......I spent 10 years with my California psychologist that sat there & listened too & I never seemed to get anywhere.....I mean really, my eskies are quite capable of sitting there & listening to me talk endlessly.....why should I pay someone who gives me less feedback than my eskies......at least I get slurpy kisses & warn snuggles from them.

Last year after the last time I got that spacey feeling, I tried to go to the T that my friend went to, but she was unable to handle my "complexities" & gave me the name of several other psychologists. Called them & they wouldn't even consider accepting medicare so they gave me the name of another psychologist. I went to him one time. He also wouldn't take medicare, but told me I could pay him off for the rest of my life. Not exactly in those words, but he figured he would end up seeing me enough weeks that it was going to end up around $5000......on a budget of less than $25/month...lol.....that's the rest of my life in my book. That wouldn't have been so bad except listening to his philosophy: "Life is to Live, Love, & be happy nothing else is even optional"....so he wasn't going to bother dealing what I was dealing with in my everyday life???? I sure wasn't going to spend that much money finding out.

So I have been coping as best as I could alone, through the bad time of the year with the anniversary(4 years should be getting better) of all the trauma stuff that happened with my Mother, & then through the ice storm & the battle with the electric company......along with finding out how bad I was cheated on the new heat pump system.

So, even though I probably imagined the fall feeling in the air, I put a call into the Comp Care mental health group they have here in the area. I called the one in the town next to mine.....20 minutes away.....& they put me through to the appointment people. They asked me if I would like to go to the one in my own town, but this person from the huge Los Angeles area is not willing to go to a local office where everyone in my little small town might see me & without any knowledge of what I am going through, leaves it open for nothing but gossip.....not about to go there.

With my past experiences with psychologists, I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping for the best this time around....& also know that they do take medicare & aren't supposed to charge an arm & a leg over what medicare pays since I don't have any extra money each month for things like this......but feel I am really in need of some help getting through this year & hopefully, I will feel that I am getting enough real help for the long term.

Trying to think very positive about this.....feel I have gone through enough jerks to finally come across one good one in my life.

I had one psychologist that I went to in California while I was in my darkest depression.....she was also a dressage horse rider that showed in the same shows that I did (how much fun is that???)...think the one thing that really got me was how badly she trivialized the trauma I had gone through with the home care person & my Mothers death. She had the nerve to compare at the same level, her grandmother's home care person stealing a bottle of wine she had wanted, to my living in the situation & catching the person in several of the crimes & sort of catehing her in others along with having the police called to accuse me of abusing my mother & then having my mother OD'ed by her on the morphine. That was when I really lost my faith in her treating me while I was waiting for my other psychologist to recover from his back surgery. The nightmares were going strong at the time & that was the kind of therapy she provided.

I have to say, I don't have much faith in the psychology field from my past experiences & my pdoc wasn't much better in the fact he was telling me that those things weren't happening & that it was all in my head because I was loosing so much weight.....yea, from the stress of dealing with all of that & it really did happen.....I had never had a situation in all my time with my pdoc where I wasn't completely 100% aware of what was happening to me or around me, so how he came up with that & refused to support me in what was happening to me (like everyone else, no one could believe that something that horrible could happen to someone like my Mother who reliativly had nothing but her house & a little bit of inheritance left).

I think why I still struggle with what happened is that there wasn't the closure that there should have been (like the woman being put in prison) since APS lost the complaint from both the hospital & from me (assuming that the hospital social worker ever filed it with them). Think that fear of having something horrible happening around me & no one even paying attention is something that has really stuck with me & not easy to shake.

Hopefully I will find some help this time.,
Debbie

[ECHOES]

(((Debbie)))

Good for you for starting the process of finding someone who is right for you!
When is your appointment?

[eskielover]

The first appointment is Tuesday, Sept 1 at 3:00 pm. We have our weekely horse back trail ride every Tuesday morning.....weather permitting I will be doing my calming thing with my ride.....hope I have time to shower.....wouldn't be too great going to the first appointment smelling like horse....lol It wouldn't be too unusual around here being this is horse country.

I was surprised they had an appointment so soon...usually in California it was a wait of about a month to get into the first appointment. Will go pick up the paperwork & get it all filled in earlier so I don't have to be there at the 2:30.....that way I will have a better chance of having time for a shower & getting cleaned up first.

I am just so hoping to finally find a psychologist that works out. Since 1994, I have only had one therapist that I really felt was a 2 way street & that was the psychologist that was on call at the hospital where I was after my Mother died & I was being treated for the anorexia the stress caused with IV nutrition....my MD wanted to make sure there wasn't something really wrong, so he put me through all kinds of tests......They didn't understand the trauma I had just gone through, but he had a psychologist working with me as he knew I had one that I saw normally.....this guy came in every day....he just had a way about him that was easy to talk with & asked questions & gave input like I had never experienced before....sadly, his office was far away from where I lived & he wouldn't take me as a patient anyway.

So we give one last try here....maybe 4th time is the charm since I struck out on the 3rd,
Debbie
Debbie

[BlueMoon6]

Eskie It sounds like you have been through so much. And depression makes it so much more difficult to find solutions. Its a miracle that you are able to seek out help for yourself and make an appointment.

Is there anyone at all in your life to help out with the farm and horses?

[eskielover]

Is there anyone at all in your life to help out with the farm and horses?

Just me, I left my husband in California almost 2 years ago (after 33 years of marriage....last 12 were basically separated in the same house).....needed to have peace in my life & with him, it was nothing but fighting because I wasn't willing to tolerate his crap anymore. He had actually come to KY the first Christmas to spend it here with my daughter who came also.....She only stayed a few days that she had off work....I kicked him out after 2 weeks.....I just could't stand it anymore. It was a good thing he wasn't here when I got the letter from the IRS about the back taxes he messed up on & that he hadn't done anything about it when they sent him the first letter a year before

Given the option of having him around or taking care of the farm myself....think I will stick will caring for the farm myself. I could never go back to living with him....looking back, I can't imagine how I did it for all those years.....well, I really didn't that was why my career was so important to me...it was my escape.

Unfortunately there isn't enough $ left over at the end of the month to hire any help......so I have become pretty good at almost everything that needs fixing.

I really have a lot of sorting out to do with therapy....wonder if she is going to want to bother with me & all the crap....not really serious stuff though.....just anoying.

[ECHOES]

I really have a lot of sorting out to do with therapy....wonder if she is going to want to bother with me & all the crap....not really serious stuff though.....just anoying.

You won't be a bother. You matter. This IS serious stuff, and it's all important.

[Tumnus]

Debbie, I'm hoping you get a good T, because I'm just now learning what it's like to have one. You deserve a break!

eskielover

I mean really, my eskies are quite capable of sitting there & listening to me talk endlessly.....why should I pay someone who gives me less feedback than my eskies......at least I get slurpy kisses & warn snuggles from them.

As a fellow dog owner and lover, this made me smile.

I hope you find a psychologist who can really help you with everything!

[Beholden]

I'll be pulling for you Debbie at your first appointment. I guess I was really blessed to find a "good one" the first time and stayed with him until I was ready to "fly away" more whole than when I started

Enjoy your horse riding before you go and know that there really are people out there who care about you.

Wondering some places with searches will go on a sliding scale.

If you're a member of a church the pastor offers aide too.

if you can get a $25 co-pay and TRY to go twice a month, until able to reach once a month, maybe you could do that?

[Rapunzel]

You have been through an awful lot. I hope that you are able to get effective help this time and that you get what you need.

It's hard to find therapists who can accept medicare or medicaid because medicare and medicaid limit providers they will accept. Sometimes only one counseling center in a community will be authorized, and that center generally has a mandate to serve everyone eligible, and there are pretty much always more eligible than they can serve. I'm positive that it is set up this way to save money for medicare and medicaid by making services less available. It's too bad, but those therapists who wouldn't take your funding probably had no choice about it.

Anyway, you do deserve a good therapist who helps you, and I hope that you have found just that this time. It took me 8 tries. Sometimes you just have to keep on looking.

[eskielover]

Well, I am stressing a bit.....today I meet with the new psychologist. Filled out all the paperwork ahead of time.....so don't have to get there early for that.

Just have that uneasy feeling going to someone new & not knowing them & & &.......

Hope I make it through the day ....couldn't sleep much either....going to be a LOOONNNNGGG day.

Debbie

[Rapunzel]

((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))

Relax. I hope that this psychologist is able to help you. You seem ready, which makes a huge difference.

[sunrise]

Debbie, good luck. I hope the new psychologist is just what you need.

[Beholden]

Good morning EL,

Well, it is the morning after....hope everything was okay for you at your first meeting.

Wishing you well. God Bless.

[peaches100]

Debbie,

What an awful time you've had in the past trying to find a good mental health professional to work with!! Good grief! Hopefully, this time you'll find a good match! It sounds like you've been through so much, and getting some extra support this fall might be just the thing to get you through the dark times.