[del12]

It has been awhile since I have spent time here and I really miss all of you. I am so frustrated right now with mysself. I really feel I was making some progress with therapy and then this past session I think we touched on some stuff that really hit me deep down where I hate to go. We talked about how I start to share and then it just goes away. I just stop. I can't allow myself to reveal some of the feelings I have. I do trust my T and my T is so kind and supportive, but do I trust my T with my real feelings? No Why not I don't know. I so want to get past this I don't even know what to call it A Block? I am so scared that once I say it I will be left alone to deal with it. When I try to sit down and write it out that same block comes up. How do you get past this fear of opening yourself up and trustung the one person I should trust. My T! Hell that's what I pay for. My T has told me that I can share anything and it will be okay. I hate feeling this way and be so frustrated. Thanks for listening. I appreciate all of you.

[Melbadaze]

I guess just continue trusting in the process of therapy and in your therapist. Knowing you have these feelings is a start, hell sometimes I sit in therapy with all kinds of blocks and fears without even knowing why. I'm sure with time your be able to get through this bit by bit, even if you feel it must just come out right now. Good luck.

I think being aware of the block is the first step. We can't work on things if we're not even aware of them.

T told me once earlier in therapy that he could see this moment sometimes where I was about to share something or feel something and then I would hesitate and totally change the subject. He asked if I could notice when I did it, and I definitely could. And then he asked me if the next time it happened, I could stay with the thought/feeling for just a minute. So, I tried it, and over time, I started being able to stay with the hard stuff even longer. So I wonder if you could stay with the thought/feeling for just a moment? I kind of think of it like working out...it's really hard to do it for even a short time at first, but over time, it gets easier and we can work out for longer and longer periods of time.

[ECHOES]

but do I trust my T with my real feelings? No Why not I don't know. I so want to get past this I don't even know what to call it A Block? I am so scared that once I say it I will be left alone to deal with it. When I try to sit down and write it out that same block comes up. How do you get past this fear of opening yourself up and trustung the one person I should trust.

This takes as long as it takes and you are working on it by thinking about it. Noticing that it happens is where you begin and it sounds like you and T are doing just that; she is not judging you, but helping you see that it's okay to acknowledge it. I have this block/holding back (fear) too, and the approach/retreat (push/pull) about talking about it. I will forget to "look" for it, be aware of it so T will point out when it seems to be happening outide and inside the room. Particularly in the relationship. We have to know it, be aware of it, see it without judging it, and explore all the many facets of it to understand it and work through it.

There is so much there to explore and it is something that will keep coming up as it is being worked through. In your thinking about it, you may find different things to notice about it, or about each situation where you notice it.

Wanting to be myself with T is something I struggle with and can feel frustrated with too. I tell her how I feel like I'm not being myself and how mad I get at myself about it when I leave a session and right away start to feel the emotions I didn't feel at the moment. She keeps saying that is something we can continue to work on, and that reassurance is helpful to me.

The only alternative would be to not work on it. From what you write, I don't think you are choosing that.
Keep your mind and heart open, be kind and to you, and let T help you notice this as you are working through it.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by del12

It has been awhile since I have spent time here and I really miss all of you. I am so frustrated right now with mysself. I really feel I was making some progress with therapy and then this past session I think we touched on some stuff that really hit me deep down where I hate to go. We talked about how I start to share and then it just goes away. I just stop. I can't allow myself to reveal some of the feelings I have. I do trust my T and my T is so kind and supportive, but do I trust my T with my real feelings? No Why not I don't know. I so want to get past this I don't even know what to call it A Block? I am so scared that once I say it I will be left alone to deal with it. When I try to sit down and write it out that same block comes up. How do you get past this fear of opening yourself up and trustung the one person I should trust. My T! Hell that's what I pay for. My T has told me that I can share anything and it will be okay. I hate feeling this way and be so frustrated. Thanks for listening. I appreciate all of you.

((((del12)))
I am soo where you are right now and so I don't have any super great advice. Like you I started off in therapy really closed up and I didnt want to share. I got to a point where I started sharing more and opening up more--more so about simpler things and I thought great im making progress maybe I can start digging a little deeper? WRONG...I have told T that I want to talk about x,y,and z and then I completely back off OR if I attempt to, I get stopped in my tracks. Of course I get the dreaded question: what would it be like to share x,y and z...I never understand that question...how am I supposed to answer that. Anyways, T said that it's that I don't trust her. And I have told her I do, but she says yeah to a certain extent. Like your T she always says it's okay to share anything with her. I think we just need to truly believe it?

I like what Tree said about allowing yourself to sit with the feeling just a little bit. My T wants me to try and do that. To sit in the feelings and thoughts--sometimes when T senses Im getting panicky she switches topics for me. But has asked me several times what it would be like to sit with the hard stuff just a little. maybe a few minutes at a time before you put the brakes on it...? I will try it if you try it

[BlueMoon6]

I agree that recognizing that what you are doing moment by moment is a good first step. You recognize that you stop and are blocked. You notice at what point you stop. I also say trust your t and if you can stay with something painful or difficult just for a minute before you stop. Or go back to the point you stopped and stay with it for a minute. After that something else may continue to open up and you may have a moment when you might feel its OK to share just one more thing.

I like what Echoes said about continuing to notice the push/pull approach/retreat. That there is so much about this to explore and is something that keeps coming up as it is being worked through.

Youre in a good place talking about it Del...

[del12]

Thanks so much guys! You really help me put it in perspective and be assured that it is okay and I will work through it. I think that sometimes we forget how far we have come and I took time to look back where I was at the beginning and where I am now. I'm not where I think I should be (we are so hard on ourselves) but I am a lot further than I was.