The Darker Side of Therapy (Dealing with Therapy Dependence)

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/unplug...th-dependency/

I actually really enjoyed this article, not just for the information provided but because there have been times in the past where I felt dependent on therapy. I don't want to be dependent on someone else, let alone dependent on what is supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. I'm figuring out the difference between healthy boundaries and what is healthy dependence. I'm also learning how to avoid unhealthy boundaries and to realize my life does not start and end with T (and therapy) and that she does actually have a life outside of ME as a client. It's actually really freeing because I stop obsessing over what she may be thinking of me. I stop thinking of what I should/could say to her, I stop expecting her to be there for me 24/7...

(Too bad I've not been able to afford therapy for months now and can't tell her all this! Trying to finance therapy when you're a student can be so annoying, but we shall see what happens).

Anyways, thought I'd share this since I saw it on the main PsychCentral page.

Thanks Doc for all the interesting things you've got here!

The first quote cited from that article triggered me and I just left a comment. Hopefully it isn't too rude. A bunch of typos and all...I haven't even read the rest of the article yet. But why do so many of these writers seem to think this stuff is funny? I've adored my therapist and they make fun of it. It makes one feel like they are stupid for loving a T. I always knew what the relationship was. I never thought we'd "walk off in the sunset." It's always the same thing with me...I want to protect that relationship. It was special to me...

Sigh!

I'm talking about the lead-in to the actual article from this link, though.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...py-dependency/

Thanks for sharing, Christina.
Very interesting article.

Brightheart-- just my two cents here, but I don't think the article is intended to hurt anyone's feelings or minimize what a client feels for his/her therapist. I feel it was written to bring to light a very realistic part of therapy, which can sometimes turn out to be a problem if it isn't caught and dealt with in time. It was written to educate readers about how to move out of the dependency on T and find other or more healthy ways to fill your life up.

I read the article and I liked it. It has taken me a LONG time in therapy to get to what I think is a "healthy" dependency on T. I am FINALLY to the point where I don't think about T all the time, where I feel secure that his feelings about me don't change on a whim, where I'm really involved in my life and I know he has his life, and the time we spend together is special AND "enough". Those early days of over-dependency were rough!!!

I read the article and my question is this: I have spent my entire life from childhood until I began seeing my therapist as an adult woman, very independent of anyone. I never depended on anyone for physical or emotional support. I basically took care of myself. Never asked for help. I am married now but I seldom depend on anyone emotionally until I met my therapist and I have come to depend on her for emotional support. I do fear being too needy and I let her know that. But there are times I am relieved to not have to take care of myself all of the time alone. I am beginning to learn to depend on others (her) so how does one break away from the therapeutic relationship when this begins to happens. I am confused. I look to her for the mothering I never had. Why would I want to leave? I don't get it. She says I will leave when I am ready and to not worry about it. I have seen her for many, many years now.

(((((((((((cmac))))))))))))))

oh my gosh, I could have written your post word for word. Just like you, I spent my entire life depending ONLY on myself...and have never even looked to my H for emotional support. This is my first time in therapy, and the first time that I've finally, FINALLY allowed myself to depend on another person. And it DOES feel good, and it IS hard to imagine giving it up.

I've noticed that slowly, SLOWLY over the course of therapy, I've begun to allow myself to ask other people for help a bit more. I've been married for almost 17 (!) years, and this is really the first time I've let myself be vulnerable with H, and let him in, and let him support me. I'm letting my friends in a bit more. For a long time T was THE only emotional support I had, because I wouldn't let anyone else do it. That is slowly changing.

I really can imagine a point now where I'll be done with therapy. The thought of it makes me really sad, because I love T so much...but I can envision a point where my needs are being met by the people in my life, and T is maybe there for an occasional check in...or as an ADDITIONAL source of support, rather than the main one.

I think for me, it was about taking risks and letting myself be vulnerable with the people in my life. That wasn't easy, and I did it in little bits and pieces. It was scary, but worth it

to you!

Surprising article coming from someone that runs a forum for those that need support and doesn't see that as perhaps becoming dependent forming? I know those that fear dependency on another are more narcissitic based, refuse to believe anyone else but themselves can be of any use.

These things are always embarrassing after the fact, but I can't help but to feel the minimizing of my feelings over and over again. It was just that one line about the walking off hand in hand toward the sunset that set me off. I just feel a flippant attitude about it. I wish someone could write an article (with no jokes) that gives this topic the seriousness that it deserves.

I also become a little uncomfortable with the assessment that loving my T has been an entirely bad thing...because it wasn't and it never has been. When I first started out in therapy online with a different therapist, my online therapist told me I was co-dependent. So I started reading about that. Some of what I read suggested that my caring for another in the way that I commonly do was a negative thing. That my spirit was being robbed etc.etc. I understand the theme behind that point, but I take all of it with a grain of salt. I could never see loving and caring for another as something harmful to me. My in-person therapist had the same viewpoint as I did about that. Why undermine a positive trait of mine?

One has to find balance within everything. I understand the point of not wanting to depend on the therapist for one's ultimate happiness in life. But I look at it with a different perspective. What I discovered in myself during our relationship really speaks to me and who I am as a person. The feelings are mine. The potential is mine. Granted that he helped me to find that potential, but I don't depend on him to know it's there.

I think any relationship that involves caring type of feelings will also have moments of dependency. We have to be aware of that and make sure it doesn't dominate the relationship, but I don't see it as abnormal or negative. In the intimate environment that I shared with my T during therapy, it would be difficult for me to imagine not experiencing some type of grief upon leaving. I honestly wouldn't want to be able to just walk away and not be emotionally affected by it. I like that I'm emotionally intense. I also will always see my feelings for him as a gift. I value our time together immensely. I always knew all along what type of relationship this was. I never had fantasies of walking off in the sunset with him or hoping he would adopt me. (give me a break!)

He's a person that I will always care about and love. And that is a beautiful thing.

sonia neale kills me. i used to read her blog regularly (with mute disbelief) but now i've figured it's just wasted energy. why stir myself up over something someone else thinks?

but maybe that particular opinion piece is balanced, i dont know.

LOLOLOLOLOL. err, this is a joke, right?
eta: if you really are being serious, could you provide some credible sources to back this up?

It's just the repeated theme in these articles of being insensitive to others' experiences that irritates me. I feel as if I'm being portrayed as a doophus or something for feeling the way I do. You are right, of course, Deli. No point in stirring myself up.

I am kind of in the same place as cmac. Although I don't like to admit it, I have grown attached and somewhat dependent on my T. Especially for a place to release some of emotions that I now recognize and don't particularly like. I haven't quite figured out how to hold them myself with out burying them. IDK, part of me thinks that once the energy from past emotions are released it might be easier for me to deal with current emotional energy better and I won't need my T anymore.This thought is kind of sad.

((((((((((((((((brightheart))))))))))))))

I could be wrong (I only read the article once) but my understanding was that the AUTHOR felt "over-dependent" on her therapist, and this article was about some solutions to that. Light-hearted and flippant, yes.

I didn't get the impression that she was saying loving one's therapist is a bad thing. I truly love my therapist very much...he is the first person that I've allowed myself to be vulnerable with, and with that vulnerability comes a very tender kind of love...and he has cared for that. It is a BIG thing. And I really, really, really think it's okay. I think that there is a difference between "over-dependency" and love. When I used to think about him all day every day, when how my day went was determined by what I thought he was thinking about me, when all I did between appointments was count down the hours until the next appointment....for me, that was very unbalanced. Probably part of the process (for me), but not something I would want to have to live with forever.

Now I love him, but there is balance. And I think that's okay.

I'm sorry the article was triggering for you!

Quite right Brightheart; and it is this closeness that makes the impossible thing possible to any degree - the opening up of one's most protected secrets to another person. People tell their Ts things that their own spouses have never heard and have no idea of, even things that the person herself (himself) doubts or fears the existence of. Without that support relationship from T, which my T and I refer to as "intimate but not personal", it could never come out.

BTW - about intimate but not personal - not meaning "impersonal" in the least. Probably not being too clear here - but the therapeutic relationship is utterly unique. Just a few months ago you never saw that person before; now you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and exposed in order to be healed; and you both know that it isn't a forever thing, it's having to do with the healing. Still both are people and both have feelings. OK I will stop rambling now....

i'm only where i am (refusing to read certain blogs) because i've spent so much time banging my head against the wall about them .

i think blogs and opinion pieces have their place, but i think to call them "articles" (which kind of has that air of authority about it?) is a bit of a stretch.

i am jealously protective of my emotions re: pdoc and T. even when some of those feelings are way wrong (e.g., erotic transference). i know everyone is always like "erotic transference get rid of it, stat!". but to me it is something precious, that i could even have that feeling towards someone and think that they would respect me should the situation ever eventuate (which i know it never would and i would never ever want it to eventuate either).

but the feelings of (real) love - the stuff that is based firmly on what goes on between me and pdoc, without my past or his past interfering, they are something worth treasuring. pdoc often tells me about the moments he treasures from our time together, too, so i know it goes both ways - it's not just pathological because i'm the client.

and pdoc positively celebrates those few occassions where i have been dependent on him, maybe even "over" dependent, so i try to take these articles with a grain of salt. they can speak for themselves, and if someone finds it useful then great, but i can always disagree and that's ok too .

i dont think you're a doofus. i really respect and admire the place you are with your T, and how much love you still feel for him even now. i want to keep that feeling with me too, when i eventually graduate from therapy.

Thanks all. I feel better now.

WARNING: LONG POST WITH RANTING

OK, I’m prepared for people to disagree with me and know that I’m certainly one of the posters here who would be considered “overly dependent” on my t. But here are my feelings about it.

I believe that I am “not attached enough.”

Because I didn’t get my emotional needs met in childhood, I have an empty, yearning, needing place inside me. And, having not had my needs met, I have never had the experience of being securely attached. So I am empty in some respects and lacking a very important developmental step I should have learned and experienced in childhood (being nurtured, cared for, learning to trust in that care, attaching in a secure way, and eventually being able to bring all of those good caring feelings/actions together inside me to help form secure attachment with myself and the ability to take care of my own needs).

Until I learn the necessary things. . .the ability to trust, to allow nurturing, to take in the caring feelings and learn to attach securely to my t. . .I am going to continue having that empty place inside me and yearn for what I’ve missed. I am also going to have a very difficult (if not impossible) time understanding my emotions and meeting my own needs. I am going to struggle trying to nurture myself because I have no frame of reference – I don’t know what it feels like. Therefore, I am trying to give to myself that which I’ve never felt before. Further, until I learn these necessary things in my relationship with my t, I will continue to harbor fear and distrust which makes true connectedness with others impossible.

I probably haven’t explained this very well. But I guess I’m trying to say that in order to emotionally heal from my traumatic experiences in childhood and the emotional deficits I have as a result of not being able to go through the developmental stages I should have as a child. . .I think emotional attachment and even dependency on my t are necessary.

Now I am the first to admit that I email my t too often, think about her too much, and overreact to things she says and does. But the problem is not that I am too dependent. The problem is that I am not securely attached -- meaning that I have not yet reached a point with my t where I can consistently trust, allow nurturance, take in the good feelings, and let it become a good foundation to build my own caregiving skills toward myself. I email too much because I have not learned that my t is still with me in spirit when we are physically apart. I haven’t been able to hold onto the connection between the times I see her (object constancy). I overreact to things she says and does because I’m not always able to separate my emotional reactions to her from my emotional reactions from childhood. ALL of these things are necessary for me to work on in therapy with her. But to say that I should “exorcise” my dependence from her would be, to me, missing the point. It is in relationships that I’ve been hurt and scarred, and it’s in a trusting, caring connected relationship that I need to heal.

Sure, there will come a time when clients are well enough to terminate, strong enough to go it alone. . .after they’ve learned the necessary coping skills, and had the necessary emotional experiences, and have built up the strength inside them to live a healthy life and meet their own needs and have healthy relationships with others. And I believe the therapist who says “You’ll know when you’re ready. . .it will be your decision when you terminate.” Just as a child knows when the feel ready and equipped to leave home.

It irks me when I read or hear statements that that it is bad, wrong, or unhealthy to become dependent on a t. . .that it’s something to exorcise. And I think this belief comes partly from our Western culture that puts such an emphasis on independence. Needing, asking for, and accepting help are viewed as weaknesses. We are all supposed to be these rugged individualists who are towers of strength. We are not allowed to be “human” and to have human needs for attachment and connection. And I think it’s sad, Sad, SAD!!!

Sure, I agree that dependency needs to be kept in check. The client should be helped to learn how to take care of their emotional needs for longer and longer periods of time between sessions. Midnight phone calls should be extremely rare, if ever, and only in cases of true emergency. There should be an understanding between the therapist and client that the client needs to learn over time to care for their own emotional needs more and more. But sheesh, let it happen in its own due time!!

If a client is still feeling anxious and needy toward their therapist, and the idea of termination strikes panic in their heart, then in my opinion, they are not ready to leave therapy. And if they are still experimenting with things like trust, and vulnerability, and learning to connect – and still struggling with trying to feel safe and attach securely with their t. . .i think they should be encouraged to continue working on developing that attachment and connection with their t, not exorcise it. If they’ve never learned how to safely depend on somebody else, I think they should be encouraged to learn how to safely depend on their t. It’s a life lesson that most people learn in childhood. If that didn’t happen, then allow it to happen with the t now. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about that. I hate it when people insinuate that it is.

In fact, I think that trying to cut off the dependency before the client is ready to do it could be traumatic and hurtful for the client. How many parents are going to push a child out the door and insist that they leave home because they are 18 now and legally “an adult” if that child does not feel ready to go? Is forcing them out a good idea to make them learn to be independent? I’m sure some would say yes. But I say no. It’s true we are not children with our therapists. But many of us have not reached emotional maturity. Does it work to force somebody to grow by telling them they need to go it alone and handle their problems by themselves??

Personally, that’s what caused my traumas in the first place – growing up as a child and not having help when I needed it. The idea that I should cut out the dependency I feel with my t and handle my problems myself (when, in fact, I believe that I need help with my problems) only serves to reinforce the same message I got as a child. . .I SHOULD NOT NEED HELP. I MUST SUFFER IN PAIN ALONE.

Clients should be allowed to be dependent on their therapists until they are ready to become more independent. They should not be shamed into doing it before then.

OK, I’m getting off my high horse now.

You said it better than I could ever have done. I SO understand every word you have written. Thank you Peaches.

This is me, only unmarried and just beginning to realize it's okay to depend on T. I can't even begin to think about breaking away from my T, I'm only starting to get comfortable with the idea of reaching out to T! Yesterday, I was incredibly low, and it was a huge deal for me to call T and go in for an extra session, but I needed it, I didn't know where else to turn, and my T came through for me. So was I dependent on her? Yes, I needed to be! And T is encouraging this - she told me she was glad I called her, that I should call again if I need her. And she could tell that it wasn't enough to talk on the phone, that I needed to see her and do more work together.

T also told me that there are no rules, that I can come and go as I please. I hope that at some point, I am ready to leave T, but for now I'm just going to get used to this new feeling of allowing someone else to take care of me - that's what I need right now. So maybe I'll come back to this thread in a couple of years.

Oh my! I posted SUCH a long response and lost it!

Well, here is the short version for now: I totally agree with you Peaches, and I like what your wrote. I am sure if my T had ever tried to FORCE me to be "less dependent" it would have totally backfired. If anything, he has always encouraged me to be MORE dependent - and certainly as dependent as I need to be. He has never ever said "you call too much" or "you need to depend more on people in your real life" or anything even remotely like that. If he had, I think I would have clung even tighter.

I think being accepted and nurtured no matter HOW much I depended on him is what allowed me to get to this point of being securely attached. I would LIKE to feel like this forever, but it could swing back the other way. But I know I'll get here again.

T says we are not supposed to be "independent", but rather, "interdependent". I know I can depend on him...and that has made me feel safe enough to practice being "interdependent" with other people in my life.

Thanks, peaches.

I feel securely attached to my therapist. I do not feel dependent on my therapist. Sometimes I see the terms attachment and dependence used interchangeably, but I think they're different. I think "dependence", in the sense the blog author uses it, can accompany insecure attachment. But secure attachment--I'm not so sure. Are there people who feel securely attached to their therapist who feel dependent? Somehow "dependent", as used by the blog author, sounds like a a negative term. Is it? Does learning to depend on someone else mean you are "dependent"? I know my T is always there for me when I go in that room with him. I have learned I can depend on him to be honest, authentic, helpful, caring, supportive, etc. (In short, he's consistently great. ) If I depend on him to be this way in session, does it mean I'm "dependent" in the negative way the word seems to be used in that blog? I think I don't even know what being "dependent" means when it is spoken of as if it is a bad thing. I think a problem of mine in life is I actually haven't held people to high enough standards of being dependable. It is refreshing to know a person--my therapist--who can be depended on.