[Merlin]

Well, I talked to the new T on Saturday and I have an appointment booked for the 9th. She sounded very nice on the phone. She asked me if I had any questions and I said no. I'll probably come up with a few in the upcoming week, but I just hate talking on the phone. I need the face-to-face interaction to make any firm judgments about anyone.

I'm worried that I'll do the same thing I did with Betty and discuss everything on an intellectual level with significant distance from uncomfortable emotions. My goal is to learn emotional intimacy, to reconnect with the world and this is my first step. I think I'm ready to take it, but I'm still worried. I think the closer the appointment gets the more worried I will get.

There is one weight off my back though. My mom has said to me she will pay 70% of the fee retroactively, if I'm doing my homework. I said, "How about if I do the homework 9 times out of 10." She said that was OK, but only if I talked to T about why I found the other 1 time out of 10 too difficult.

I really hope everything goes well.

[Simcha]

Hey Merlin-- a new start is always full of promise. Being a little scared/anxious is a normal thing with a new T, so just go with it. You have a chance to start new and learn from what didn't work in the past.

You'll be fine. Let us know eh?

[jexa]

Merlin, I think it's okay at first to find yourself speaking intellectually about things -- it's hard to be open and vulnerable with a stranger. That is normal! However, if you can tell her about it as it's happening (i.e. "I find myself speaking intellectually about these things, but I'd really like to learn to be more comfortable with emotional intimacy and shed this intellectualizing, eventually."). I'm glad she sounded nice on the phone -- and it sounds like your old T really respected her, so that's a very good sign. Good luck to you Merlin! Let us know how it goes!!

[Merlin]

I definitely will let you all know. I see you (just a general you) all getting well, or at least better and I feel I'm at the whims of my illness. I know that's not entirely true, but it's somewhat true. There are things I can control though and I need help with building my abilities in those areas. I lost a lot of the ability to be emotionally intimate with people during my childhood, but when I am in the depressive episodes of my illness I need that intimacy for my own survival. I get it to some extent from my parents, but even with them I find it hard to reach out. I also need to take better care of myself. I often only eat one meal a day, and not because of an eating disorder but simply because I think it's too much work. I also need to exercise and regulate my sleep. I guess there is a lot to work on.

[Merlin]

I saw the new T today. I think it went well. I didn't find it too difficult to open up. I talked about some of the abuse from siblings and peers of my childhood, most of which I'd talked about in the past, so it wasn't triggering, just somewhat awkward to disclose to someone I'd just met. I gave her a pretty good picture of my current life and my childhood, if only in broad strokes. We talked about what I wanted to work on and what treatment had and hadn't worked in the past. She was pretty thorough but the session wasn't an interrogation.

I told her my goal was to change my behaviour and that I hadn't managed that with past treatment. She's very supportive of scheduling, especially with depression. I willing to try it. We came up with 5 goals surrounding exercise and eating, basic self-care, and I like that because it's very measurable. Did I or did I not accomplish what I set out to do? I'm cautiously optimistic about it. I am glad we're starting out slow though. I tend to go full force and collapse quite quickly when I attempt to change on my own.

[darkrunner]

I'm really glad you finally had the session and it sounds like it went well.
New T sounds great so far......

[jexa]

Merlin, I'm so glad you went to see her and were able to open up. She sounds like just what you need -- a strong voice that will help you make measurable progress. I'm happy for you.

Yay, Merlin - glad it went so well! Sounds like a great start.

[Merlin]

One of the things the T emphasized was to schedule, schedule, schedule and the go to the events that I'd scheduled and that it was more important when I was depressed than when I wasn't. I've been using to do lists the last couple of days and assigning specific times to big and/or difficult tasks and the wonderful thing is most of the time I actually do the tasks. I had been putting off something serious for work, getting record checks to prove I hadn't committed any crimes or required a child to need intervention in the last 3 years since I got my last check. I know that my company can suspend me if I waited too long to get the checks, luckily they haven't but now I can say that I'm waiting for them in the mail. I've been eating more, though that's more a matter of documenting that scheduling. I've had my parents over for dinner and gone over to their place. Also I've seen my aunt. It socialization with family and thus easier than socializing with friends but it's a big step. My mom said to me today that it was like having 'me' back. Just wanted to share the good news.

[skeksi]

I'm glad the scheduling is working for you, Merlin! I hope the new T is helpful.

I hadn't realized there was a name for that, scheduling. Thanks for teaching me something! I just knew that I felt better when I made myself keep my plans