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  #26  
Old Nov 25, 2009, 05:52 PM
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zooropa zooropa is offline
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I think it's a good idea to talk w/your T about this. I also don't think you should blame yourself for having made that comment about the skills being "stupid", bloom is exactly right in that your T needs to be able to withstand those kinds of outbursts and more without just dropping the work.
Heck, after a year in DBT I was in a bad place and told my T one day in session "I think I've learned the DBT skills, and figured out the goal of DBT, which is to teach me how to act in a way that the rest of the world finds more acceptable". I was totally speaking out of frustration and honestly was probably trying to hurt my T by saying that. I'm so glad she didn't say ok, good, you're done then, bye! She understood. She wasn't HAPPY and she made sure later to check whether that's really what I believe about DBT or not, but she understood.
anyway, I hope this makes sense, I'm a little emotional at the moment so I might be rambling just a little, sorry

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  #27  
Old Nov 26, 2009, 09:46 PM
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BlueMoon6 BlueMoon6 is offline
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Peaches- I am so sorry for coming back so late to this thread. I am reading through slowly, so sorry if its all been said and here I am, saying it again....I relate to so much of what you are going through and how you describe yourself in therapy. Either shut down and unable to access, or as if a dam has opened and a flood of emotions comes pouring out of you. And I relate to your therapist not knowing what to do.

So often I feel like an unsolvable puzzle. And it is a very hopeless feeling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaches100
Our problem in therapy has always been in trying to decide "what" we should work on first, due to my many issues. Sometimes, it feels as if we chase after one issue, but get sidetracked onto a second, then maybe start into a third before issue one comes up again. Like we can't "complete" anything.
That is how I feel. That there are so many issues, some more day-to-day, some deep and seemingly unreachable. But I have to find them and work on them because it seems to me that when I do, I will feel more free and have more peace. But no matter how long I am in therapy, I also feel like I cant complete anything. Work on this here and work on that there and one issue leads to another and it seems like endless work and trying and trying and trying and wondering how many times I can get sidetracked. Is there ever an end?
  #28  
Old Nov 26, 2009, 10:29 PM
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BlueMoon6 BlueMoon6 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Treehouse
I guess that's why I've never understood when people say "T says we'll start trauma processing next week". Now I understand why I don't understand that!
Ftt said to me, when I first started seeing her, that we would be doing "trauma work" and I guess that is what we are doing, but I am not sure. I dont understand it either. Does it mean we will do something specific? Or work on tramatic memories that affect me today? I dont quite get it either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaches100
Like I'm striving and reaching but i just can't grasp it. And it's so infernally frustrating! My t has always been good about going in the direction that i lead, or where i seem to want to go. But honestly, i don't really know exactly what it is i need, or where i need to go. It's like we jump from this area, to that area, and try this technique, and go hither and thither where i lead, depending on what the current concern or trigger is. But we are trying so many different pathways, and maybe none of them to the end where they lead.
Yes. I can relate to this. I talk about what I need to, but I wonder if what I talk about leads down a path toward healing or getting better. Or maybe I just dont see it. Maybe you dont see it either? Maybe there has been a lot of healing for both of us, we are on the path toward a more peaceful life, but it is not obvious to us. As far as your T not being able to help you any further, that sounds like a terribly difficult and sad thing to hear. I am wondering (with Bloom) if T might be reinforcing a sense of failure or frustration. Maybe she really doesnt feel equipped to help. And in that case, maybe you could give some thought, no matter how very sad, to a different T. Does she have anyone in mind?

Not that you are going to change Ts, but another thought is that if you should start with another one, you are not the same Peaches who began with this T. When I started with ftt, it seemed like I was started from scratch. And, of course, she didnt know me and who I am, but I am so much better able to describe what I need and who I am to her that the process is much faster and much more...."efficient" if you know what I mean.
  #29  
Old Nov 26, 2009, 11:03 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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About changing Ts. I have changed Ts 3 times. It wasn't like starting over because each time I was more aware of my issues and I got to them much quicker. I understood the therapy process better, too. So you don't necessarily have to start from scratch, though it depends on how quickly you feel connected to your T. I was fortunate to feel very comfortable with my current T right from day 1, so I "jumped right in" and got through the basics very quickly.

Peaches: I know you don't want to see anyone else, but wouldn't you consider having a consultation, at least, with someone else? I hate to see you struggle so long with the same issues. I think you're getting better, but who knows? A new person may have some ideas even if you don't switch.
  #30  
Old Nov 27, 2009, 01:33 AM
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FooZe FooZe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon6 View Post
So often I feel like an unsolvable puzzle. And it is a very hopeless feeling.
Do you know the "Chinese finger trap" puzzle? (click on the picture to see a bigger copy)

I Feel Like A Worm

You stick one finger into each end of the braided tube. When you go to pull your fingers out, the tube tightens up and grips your fingers -- tighter, the harder you pull. It feels like an unsolvable puzzle as long as you panic and keep pulling. Once you get the hang of getting out of it, it turns out to be so simple that you wonder how you could ever have fallen for it.

Quote:
... no matter how long I am in therapy, I also feel like I cant complete anything. Work on this here and work on that there and one issue leads to another and it seems like endless work and trying and trying and trying and wondering how many times I can get sidetracked. Is there ever an end?
For me, one issue typically does lead to another. There are some ways of looking at them, or some mindsets I can look at them from, where I just seem to be adding to the pile by pulling up one unrelated thing after another. That seems to happen especially when I've asserted that it's going to. "It's no use, I have way too many issues. Watch, I'll prove it..." There's another way of looking at issues, though, where I only pull up stuff related to one specific issue while looking at that one issue from every possible direction. That tends to make the issue break up and float away. That seems to happen when I let go of believing whatever I've been telling myself about the issue, and start noticing what's actually so for me at the moment.
  #31  
Old Dec 02, 2009, 08:39 AM
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peaches100 peaches100 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TayQuincy View Post
I know how scary it is to think of losing your T. I was also extremely attached and couldn't even think about switching to another T. Remember that every situation is unique. My T is the one who decided that she had done all she could for me. My T was also very attached to me and told me that she loved me. She still says that she loves me in email. But all the love and caring she gave did not help me enough, I needed something else. And I'm not saying that she didn't help me. She helped me tremendously! But I needed different help as I moved on through stages of healing.

Your DBT sounds so different than my experience! There was no talking about individual crises, it was skills training and we talked only about how we used skills during the week and learned new skills. My DBT facilitator became my individual therapist, and so the transition was smooth when I stopped seeing my old T. I had known my new T through the DBT group. As I tapered with old T, I began to see my new t (the DBT T) and worked on the trauma. I liked her and was already attached to her as well.

My new T is DBT/CBT oriented, while my old T was more psychodynamic. I resisted even trying DBT for a long time...I wasn't very open to behavioral type therapy as it sounded so cold compared to how therapy was with my old T. But my t isn't cold, she is a bit tough but in a good way.

I also have the complex mix of diagnoses...PTSD, BPD, DDNOS, major depression etc.. With old T, I was almost always in a regressed child state. I viewed her as a mother figure and it was hard to relate in therapy any other way. I dissociated a lot because I didn't have the skills to cope another way. My new T (she's not really new, but you know what i mean) treats me in a way that makes it difficult to see her as a mother figure. She self discloses and makes me feel like we are not really all that different from each other. It's hard to explain, but she is very different from my old T. She does allow some physical contact if i ask for a hug, she is okay with it, but generally we relate adult to adult. At the same time, she is available if i need her 24/7, which is what i liked about DBT. As a child, no one was there for me when I needed them, and it is so nice to have my T there if I need her. I think I need her less just because i know she is there if I do need her.

I didn't really feel that much grieving when I made the transition to new T because we still stayed in touch, much more then than now. And like I said, I was already attached enough to my new T. My new T is really an expert at trauma work through exposure therapy for PTSD. She didn't even think I had BPD, but rather PTSD that looked similar to BPD. I have worked with her for 7 years now, and we are going to end our therapy at the end of next year. I hope I will be ready then, i feel like i will be though. i never thought that I would ever say that.

Remember, everyone's experience is different and only you and your t will know what's best for you.

Tayquincy,

I'm glad your experience with DBT was good. I see my t today, and maybe i will bring up the subject of going back to spending some of our session on DBT.

I believe my t is also primarily psychodynamic, like yours. I know that i am very attached to her, probably too much, though in an insecure way (I want so badly to feel close with her but can't allow myself to let her caring in most of the time.) My t has never told me she loved me, though she has said she cares a great deal about me. Sometimes, i wonder if i could just set aside my defenses and let her caring in, maybe it would make a big difference for me.

It sounds like you benefit more from staying in your adult frame of mind with your new t. I would say that i am definitely more functional when i stay in my adult mind. But then, i am also kind of numb and not really in touch with my pain or issues at all, so it's hard to process anything in therapy. When i am in my adult mind, i am strong and don't need help. It's when my guard is down and child parts of me begin to show that my real pain and problems surface. It seems that is where the work needs to be. But i can see how relating mostly in a regressed state could keep me from being able to access my own adult strength. I seem to always be in either one state or the other, and that tends to be one of my biggest problems. No middle ground where i can keep my logic but also access my emotions and issues.

I do view my t as a mother figure. This is true. But at the same time, i know she can't actually "be" like a mom to me by being available 24/7. I also know she doesn't love me the way she would love her own children. But i do know she cares about me alot. Not having felt close to my own mom and always craving a maternal relationship, i feel the need for one now, and i don't actually think it's a bad thing as long as it doesn't sidetrack the issues that i need to work on. What is potentially damaging for me, I think, is the realization that the relationship can't continue indefinitely this way. At some point in the near future, my t is going to retire and i'll have to make my way on my own. So the nurturing maternal-feeling relationship is only something i can benefit from temporarily, unlike a mother-daughter relationship that can remain close indefinitely. That's the hard part that really hurts. When she retires (a year or so down the line), I'll be forced to either quit therapy entirely or find a new t. I don't even want to think about that now.

Like your t, my t also thinks my borderline traits are caused by PTSD and that i am not truly borderline. She believes that resolving the PTSD will also reduce the BPD traits.

I'm glad you're reaching the point where you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that you feel you'll be ready when you terminate next year.

I really appreciate your input.

I
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