really started trauma work, and it was good...kinda?

((((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))))))

I KNOW that it feels so, so, so, SO horrible to open this stuff up and look at it. This isn't going to go on forever. This isn't how life is going to be. It is how it is RIGHT NOW, but that's all.

I have been in that dark, painful, shame-filled place more than once since starting therapy, and I know how scary it is. It feels like it will never end, like it was a huge, huge mistake to start talking about this stuff in the first place. But you know what?? Not only does it end, but life gets BETTER.

I am 39 and I have spent my entire LIFE running away from this stuff. Years and years and years; decades, and DECADES. I don't have to run anymore. I can be still. I can breathe. There is light. I can rest.

It still hurts sometimes...but part of what is so amazing now is that I can let myself FEEL IT. I don't have to not feel anymore. I don't have to drink, or drug myself, or cut, or leave in my head. I can be sad and cry. I can be angry and write big black words and get the anger out. I can be happy and laugh. I can feel peaceful and just be. I've never been able to do that before, ever.

The things that happened to us weren't fair. It shouldn't have happened. If I could wish it away for myself and everyone else here, I would in a second. Believe me, I tried. I spent months telling T "I want it to NOT have happened"...but it did happen.

It's not happening NOW. We have lots and lots of old feelings that we weren't allowed to feel when it happened, and it hurts and feels awful and icky and shameful and painful and unfair and a million other bad things that we have to feel them now. It just sucks, that's all there is to it.

But you are being so brave, and you are DOING IT. This is how we heal. I know it's so dark right now, but it won't be that way forever. And even in the darkness, try to see the little bits of light...your kids, your books, your knitting, the people here who want to help, T, your own bravery to look this stuff in the eye and tell it that it's not going to have power over you forever. Because it's not.

Hang in there. Call T if you need to. Post here. If you need to take a step back from all of this, even in therapy, take a step back. Be GENTLE with you. Breathe and know that you are okay, right now, just how you are.

thank you so much, (blue) (christina) and (tree) hugs to all of you. Coming back here this morning to read your messages was...I don't know. Just thanks.

I want to reply to each of you but I can't right now, I will come back later & try. I am overwhelmed & just trying to stay on top of this flood of emotions & memories & triggers at every turn. I did call T last night but she hasn't called me back yet. I'm supposed to get my kids this afternoon & I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I'm just trying to get through moment by moment right now. Everything looks pretty bleak.

But the support here is amazing, thanks so much.

Congratulations to you for getting it out and for being real and honest in your reactions in your session. Your T sounds wonderful and I'm so glad she is right there with you in the moment and there when you needed her after.

so, I still want to go back & reply to the last few posts above but I want to post this first, because it just occurred to me as I was reading over this thread & thinking about some of the things people have said, including myself. What I realized is, again, regarding shame. And how a part of me feels like I deserve this, this misery, the re-experiencing of the emotions & the pain, all of it. The aloneness. The abandonment & rejection I'm experiencing from T. That part of me feels I deserve this all just as I deserved what happened in the first place, for being there, for letting it happen, for not fighting hard enough or long enough or in the right ways.
Anyway. I've never realized I felt that way before. I have my session w/T tomorrow and I hope I am brave enough to share that with her. I had something of a rupture with her today on the phone so I don't know what I'll be walking into tomorrow & that just freaks me out more.
thank you all for you thoughts & words & hugs