[sw628]

WHERE THE HELL DID MY T GO!?!
f***!

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( sw628 )))))

[jexa]

Oh no, what happened?

((((((((((((((sw))))))))))))))))

What's going on???

[zooropa]

[Simcha]

That's a good question SW--- care to share with us what happened? I'm genuinely interested. Sounds like something really triggered you?

[googley]

(((((sw)))))
Are you okay?

[sw628]

Thanks all for your patience and support, I finally have time to respond.

I took a week off from T last week due to the thanksgiving holiday and me being out of town. With what all had happened between T and I with the email rupture, ( read previous posts) I thought an break would get things back to normal as well. Little did i know what I was in for, My life has completely fallen apart, I lost my job the wednesday before Thanksgiving with no warning and no time for preparation. I now have to go and report the incident and my supervisor to HR along with the faculty member I work for. Aside from the extreme stress of losing my job, i also have to get ready for the GRE, make sure that i don't lose my insurance, and find someway to be OK until I am on my feet again. I am so sad and so scared. I support myself with no parental help.
Anyway, I go to see T last night and things started off well enough. I was able to talk about my vacation which was such an escape for me. I was also excited because I went to a place where T vacations every thanksgiving with her family, so I was so excited to share this with T. I also brought T a souvenir and postcard which included I Love you on it. I NEVER say anything like that to T ever. After T said thank-you for the souvenir, she didn't say much about the card. I was triggered when she was about to throw the wrapping paper away and ALMOST the card with it!!!!!!!!! I kept thinking if I had said too much in the card or if she even liked it. Anyway, T wanted to pull me out of my vacation bubble immediately by delving back into my ED issues and doctors appointments, and work issues. This has been immensely stressful for me. I was very upset because I just wanted to connect with T. i didn't want to get into to any of that last night. I wanted her to be there with me. I wanted a bit of comfort and some drop of nurturing... just a little of something. I felt as if T was not there with me. I even told T that i feel like i just can't get what I need therapy lately and i 'm not even clear what that need is. She just said that maybe it's something we should talk more about. I want so much to go back in time before the email was sent. I felt so much more connected with T in session and wish i could get that back so badly. In session, T and I use to do a bit of art therapy and just do fun therapeutic things. T used to read my poetry all the time and make me feel somewhat special and important. I STILL feel like I'm paying the price for the email sent to T 2 weeks ago. It's not fair. Now, I just get a cold, lonely, abandoned feeling from T, especially now that she has taken email away from me. T mentioned during the email incident that she was being much "too nice" to me thus making it difficult for me to be angry at her. She is now acting so cold and distant making me ALWAYS upset with her. I'm soo tired.... and I need some help.

How do I get my old T back? I miss that T so very much. Where did she go?

[sw628]

forgot to add.. When I walked into session last night, T was washing dishes!!!!! what is going on?!?

Did she stop washing dishes shortly after you came in? I wouldn't have a problem with her finishing up real quick. Sounds like she started before you walked in and just finished up. Is that the case?

[sw628]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Did she stop washing dishes shortly after you came in? I wouldn't have a problem with her finishing up real quick. Sounds like she started before you walked in and just finished up. Is that the case?

She may have just finished up a few dishes. I walked in a sat there for about 3 minutes. I guess it just bothers me because it seems like she isn't preparing for my session and hasn't been welcoming of me for the last few weeks. There is no greeting at the door like there used to be. it's been really bothering me.

Originally Posted by sw628

Anyway, T wanted to pull me out of my vacation bubble immediately by delving back into my ED issues and doctors appointments, and work issues. This has been immensely stressful for me. I was very upset because I just wanted to connect with T. i didn't want to get into to any of that last night. I wanted her to be there with me. I wanted a bit of comfort and some drop of nurturing... just a little of something.

On this one hand, this sounds like misattunement, like not understanding what you needed in that moment. On the other hand, I could also see it as more deliberate. I'm pretty sure my T has done this before, there have been times where I have wanted reassurance about the connection between us (so essentially, me being focused on her response), and I feel my T is instead avoiding that topic and turning the attention back on me. It must be some kind of therapy technique (like them finding a balance between being supportive and keeping the client focused on introspection), but in the moment it can feel quite triggering, like your attempts to connect are being rebuffed/ignored.

I guess in moments like that, just try to remember that the therapy relationship is unique and has multiple purposes? That T's can show that they care in different ways than you would expect the other person to show it in RL relationships? Try to focus on what the therapy relationship can provide rather than what it can't? I know it's easier said than done, but that's what I might try. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about the layoffs -- I'm sure that makes everything extra difficult to deal with.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sw628

forgot to add.. When I walked into session last night, T was washing dishes!!!!! what is going on?!?

Uhh, this isn't professional. Does your T work out of her house or what? My T thinks that for ethical AND safety reasons, it is never a good idea to practice in your house.

Even if your T does hold her practice in her house, I can't see how you would be able to see her washing dishes. How did this happen if the appointment wasn't in the kitchen?

I'm confused again...

On another note, you have nothing whatsoever to lose by being direct with your T about how you feel like she is treating you coldly. I think no matter what her self justifications are, this type of behavior toward a patient is absolutely untherapeutic.

[sw628]

simcha)))
Sorry for the confusion. T's office in is a "house like" center. Next to T's room is a kitchen. When you walk in you can see the kitchen first. T just had the door wide open, it took her 3 minutes to acknowledge that I was there with the water running and all. I felt very strange and as if she wasn't preparing for my session.... just washing dishes.