[zooropa]

I had nightmares last night, which I always do, but somehow worse, more intense and more frequent then usual. What really freaked me out was when I finally got up & they just wouldn't stop. It went from nightmares to flashbacks then, I guess, all I know is I was awake, I was out of bed, but they didn't stop. It was horrible.

Somehow eventually I called T, sitting huddled in the corner of the kitchen floor. I think she might have had trouble even understanding what I was saying at that point but she figured it out. I moved back into my bed while I was talking to her and after we talked about grounding for a little while she asked me where I was, I said I was in bed. She told me to get up, take a hot shower or bath, and then call her back. So I did. I was at that point where I was like a robot, or a child, just doing what I was told.

I had another flashback while I was in the shower, but I made it through, remembering the whole time T's words, to keep my eyes OPEN and to remember to BREATHE. Got out of the shower, got back in bed (lol), called T back.

I had to go to the pharmacy, major anxiety about just having to leave the apt on a day like this, so we talked about that, and she suggested I reward myself with a trip to McDonald's for their $1 cheeseburger after the trip to the pharmacy. She said, get up, brush your teeth, comb your hair, go to the pharmacy, call me when you get back.

The pharmacy thing ended up being this huge problem with my meds not being ready and I had to go out to the parking lot and call T from my van, in tears AGAIN, and she talked me down, AGAIN. Told me exactly what to say to the pharmacist, told me how to return to them the extra meds they had given me, because REALLY, I don't need extra meds on hand right now. And said to call her when I got home again.

So I did it. And called her when I got home. By this time she was at home, not in her office anymore, and I apologized for bothering her but she said "zooropa, I'm just home, hanging out, I'll be here all night, you call me if you need to".

All this is just to say, my day started off pretty bad, started off in a hell of nightmares and memories of the worst things my mind knows, and I got through it, and my T was there with me, step by step, just as if she was holding my hand and walking with me through the deep, dark forest. It felt amazing to know I'm not walking through it all alone all the time anymore. Amazing.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, you have an amazing and dedicated T......I'm sorry you had such a rough day, but I'm so glad your T was there for you.

[googley]

Zooropa,

I so glad that your T was there for you. That sounds like a horrible morning. I hope you are feeling better now.

[jexa]

(((((((zoo)))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible tough time. These flashbacks sound so incredibly painful and disorienting.. I know the trauma work is so hard. You are clearly so committed to your healing, and that impresses me.

And so, thank God for a wonderful T who is there for you while you work on your healing. I am so glad you have that - it gives me so much hope for you - with a T like this, true, deep healing is possible. It's wonderful that you're able to work hard with her and get so much support from her end. I am so touched by how much she cares for you.. she is showing you she will be able to give you the support you need -- that you will be able to get through this trauma work, together -- that she will not let you down when you are at your most vulnerable.

Let's hear it for wonderful, caring T's!!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by jexa

I am so touched by how much she cares for you.. she is showing you she will be able to give you the support you need -- that you will be able to get through this trauma work, together -- that she will not let you down when you are at your most vulnerable.

this actually brought tears to my eyes, jexa.
In a lot of ways it's hard, to let myself be vulnerable to T, to let her see that side of me, and to let her help me. I never realized before how hard I've been working all this time to keep people away, until I had to start working to let someone in. But as I start to let T in, the healing can begin. I do believe that. I HAVE TO believe that.