Crying on the moon.

Part of my adoption story told Me by my unfit adoptive mother was, I never cried. I recall she said how my adoptive fathers old aunt visited and asked why hadn't I been fed during her visit?. My amum always Use to tell this story with a sort of pride that I never cried.

As I told T this she tutted and then I said how for the first time this week I asked myself the question, what if I did cry?

I was abandoned at birth and was alone in the hospItal for 8days, so I doubt nurses Had the time to come to my cries.

I Once told T that I don't know why, but I have this kind of idea of having beenoperated on awake, today I likened crying as a newborn and going unheard aS been operated on awake withoout being able to communIcate my fear.

I Said how when things trigger me I get scared and the getting scared feels like I'm on the moon with the fear and theres
No one to help.

T said, I don t think its the being triggered thats the problem as much as not being able to soothe that fear, not havinG any model to refer to who should have soothed you. I told her how I then sort of lose touch and all i can hear is crowds fighting and screaming. T said I think thats the cries of a very small baby that to suruvive you split of and projected out into the world around you.

Yes, this is the first time I am willing to begin tO believe that perhaps I did cry and perhaps that baby is still screaming now.

T asked would it help if she came and rescued me from the moon? I am afraid at this point that image doesn't help, think We have a bit more work to do on me crying on the moon for a simple solution to be of use yet. But i so appricate her attempt to offer me comfort, the xcreaming baby is much to scared to trust that hand yet, to many have In the past simply dropped me. But its good that at lasT some movement is being made.

Awww what a wonderfrul T, melba. Such a deep conversation, and so brave! It makes ME want to cry. Hang in there, you are doing great.

Melba--I am touched by your story. Your T sounds wonderful, and it sounds like you are in good hands. I understand how being offered comfort feels so good even if you aren't ready to accept it quite yet.

They say when we're babies we just want food and got get our diapers changed and to be taken care of but I think it's more than that. Sure we only die if we're not held but I think who we're held by and how we feel about it, etc. matters a great deal too! My mother died when I was three and my stepmother was big on telling everyone how my brothers and me were fine with my mother's death, weren't crying or pathetic or anything. But not crying doesn't mean we're fine!

Like velcro and rainbow say, you're doing great! It will all fit together eventually and you'll learn what you need to know and become the wonderful person you are.

It feels strange, Almost like I have more depth to myself if I contemplate that I have a baby part that is crying and demonstrating, spent to many shallow yrs being tough.

I am an adoptive parent. It pains me that you were not comforted and supported after having two sets of parents. Your T sounds like she is willing to step in and rescue the child that needed rescuing twice.