Time-Sensitive: What should I do??

I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I need some input. I've seen a couple different therapists since I was hospitalized in September, and I've had issues with both. Each has told me that I'm defensive and hard to work with, which kind of hurts because I am most certainly NOT trying to be any kind of trouble.

Frustrated, I even contacted my old psychologist (who I really liked) and asked his opinion. He told me that at the outset, I was "a real pain in the butt," but that I was a "delight to work with" after about six sessions. He said that he could certainly see me struggling in that way and encouraged me to "approach it with a really open mind."

I'll certainly try to act on his counsel, but I worry a bit that my relationship with my current therapist is too strained. I get the impression that she is fed up with me and would be grateful to see me go somewhere else. (As a side note, my insurance is changing on friday, and she will be out-of-network.) Also, when I get defensive, she gets defensive back and an atmosphere of great negativity/hostility develops.

I know that I prefer male therapists, and I think it's because that in my experience, they have been more patient with my (unintentional) antics, better at concealing their frustration, and less threatened by me. They tend to take a stronger role in guiding the direction of therapy, and I NEED that.

So here's what I see as my options:

1. Terminate therapy with my current therapist (because there is so much tension between us), find a male therapist who will be covered by my insurance, and start fresh with that "really open mind." However, I feel like I run the risk of history repeating itself if my unintentional resistance is too great.

2. Continue with the current therapist (at increased cost to myself), focusing on figuring out why I'm so resistant and hopefully fixing that so that I can make progress in other ways. I just worry that we're always going to be "butting heads." I've been trying to work with her since the beginning of November (including twice-weekly visits for the first few weeks), and I feel like we talk about something different at every visit but make no progress on any one topic. It's very frustrating for both of us. We've even talked about it, but it didn't seem to affect anything.

Unfortunately, I can't take a break from therapy because it's a requirement for me to get back into my graduate program. I also should keep trying because I admit I have issues (but who doesn't?).

Of course I'll bring this up with the therapist at my appointment tomorrow, but I want to hear what you all think. Do I try to start fresh with someone who is covered on my new insurance (and run the risk of causing trouble by being defensive), or do I stick with the current lady who will be out-of-network and with whom I constantly feel frustrated?

Obviously I'm leaning toward finding someone new... but what would you do if you knew that a large part of the problem was YOU (and you had no idea how to fix it)?

My advice.....

Find a T that you can work with. I wouldn't give up on woman. In my experience there are alot of T's with issues.

Shop for a T like you would a new car. The work will pay off. After all you are paying them to help you and you shouldn't have to worry about them all the time.

Good luck.

Have you discussed any of this with your current? It might be worth it to get her take on it.

Overall, perhaps it would be better to start over fresh. You could get the help you really need, and at a good price for you. To me, it's a win-win. However, I would discuss things with your current therapist. It's worth a shot, right? especially knowing that the worst that could happen is you do choose to discontinue seeing her.

I think the right T for you will understand your defensiveness and try to find a way to work with it. This doesn't mean they will be successful right off the bat, but that they will be accepting of how you are reacting and compassionate while giving you ideas to help you feel more comfortable in the therapy.

In my opinion, the right therapist for you will not say you are "too _______" or "hard to work with." Those judgments do nothing to help establish therapeutic safety and would make anybody even more defensive!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I brought the subject up with DocJohn in the chatroom just now, and here's our brief conversation:

TheByzantine: I have started over many times .. .now I am told I have a personality that is not conducive to therapy
Medicated byzantine - I'm currently trying to decide if my issues with therapy can be helped by trying someone new, or if I'm just too "difficult" a personality
TheByzantine: therapy goes in a circle
TheByzantine: you make things too difficult .. .how do I make things too difficult .... you do not understand .... what don't I understand ... you make things too difficult .....
Medicated KDlady - I'm discovering that even if you want help, you may be unintentionally sabotaging your attempts. I know exactly what byz means
KDlady: oh that circle ... and that makes sense to medicated
Medicated what's the solution when you find yourself in that sort of therapy situation? (repeatedly?)
DocJohn: Finding the right therapist is just as important as finding the right medication. Especially if you're going to do one of these treatment options on its own. Not all therapists are equal.
DocJohn: You have to find one you can work with productively and that you feel comfortable with.
Medicated Doc - the last two are telling me it's my fault, which really hurts because I'm not meaning to be resistant.
Medicated so I worry that trying someone new would be useless
Medicated ... that I can't be helped.
DocJohn: Medicated... Yes, that's just wrong. And inappropriate.
DocJohn: Not sure what purpose "fault" has in psychotherapy... sorry to hear that.
Medicated they never used the term, but they ascribed the difficulties in the relationship to me.
Medicated "If you weren't so defensive..."
DocJohn: gotchya
Medicated thanks for your thoughts though.

I was a bit surprised at his reply, but I'm thinking more and more that you and he are right. I ought to find someone else who is more understanding of me and my needs.

I'm on board with Doc John! I KNOW I am a resistant patient...I've been at it 2 years, and while I've been worried I frustrate my therapist, she has never really shown signs of it..it is my own fears. She has said that the situation frustrates her, that she can't help me open up more...but not me. To me, THAT is a good therapist!

Id find someone you can work with who takes your insurance. Along with everything else that has been written about shopping around carefully for a therapist who you connect with, I think when the money situation is taken care of, I feel freer in therapy to work.

Just saw the current therapist. As it turns out, she IS covered by my new insurance, but after talking things over, she's given me an open-door blessing to try someone else. After how rude the therapist before her was, I was terrified she'd react negatively (basically get offended that I didn't feel our sessions had been helpful). I was so relieved when she was calm, polite, and just downright nice about it. I even told her about my preference for male therapists (something I'm moderately embarrassed about), and she was very understanding and told me that I had no reason to be embarrassed or feel guilty about it.

So, I'm going to try someone else (I'm currently waiting for a call back from candidate #1), but if I want to, I can always go back to her.

The idea of me being the one to terminate therapy makes me really anxious, but that went so much better than I had feared.

Thanks everyone for your advice.