[fallenangel337]

I had a pretty frightening dream the other night...

I went to my appointment with T, and she had a cousin or someone over. So I just sat down and didn't say a word the whole time. In the last 15 minutes, her next client came through the door and apologized for being early, then asked if she could go ahead and take him since he was there. She said sure, and I said "Um...." Then she looked at me and said "unless there's something you needed to say." The just shook my head and got up to leave. She reminded me that we needed to schedule our next appointment, so she said she would see me the same time next week. Then she added that next week would be our last appointment. Of course, I freaked out and questioned it. She just said "this is just how it is...this is my policy." Then I left.

I woke up feeling utterly defeated. She was so cold and detatched in my dream. We didn't make that decision together, or even discuss it in the least. I knew I wasn't nearly done in therapy, and I thought it was unfair that she was just dumping me. This is still unsettling to me.

I want to bring it up, but I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to acknowledge that I had a dream about her, and I don't want to discuss the possibility of us ever ending one day. Sure, I know it will happen one day, but I'm so not ready for that, and I'm not even ready to discuss the possibility of ending.

I see her tomorrow, so I don't know...

Also, I had some intense suicidal thoughts accompanied by an attempt this past week, and I know I need to tell her, but I don't know how I can. When I had mentioned a past attempt before, she seemed disappointed...pissed, even. I don't want to venture back into those reactions from her.

Any thoughts on any of this?

[WePow]

Angel - that is a very intense dream. I think it may reflect the fear you have of doing what you know you need to do - of being honest with T about the event you are not wanting to bring up.

Not making this about me in any way, but want to share something with you that might help you with this. Last week I was also very close to the edge - too close. And it ended up with an emergancy session with T and him having to reschedule his client who was there already. Ugg - talk about guilt on this end! And then having to tell him the details of it and such. Well, there was a look in T's eyes of sadness and disappointment. He still showed total compassion and consideration for me, but I noticed his truth. And it hurt me.

I thought about that look for several days now. And for a few of those days I was ready to just cancel just becuase I could not stand the idea that T was not happy with me.

Then it hit me ..... the reason I am sharing this with you. T has a RIGHT to be upset with us - to be hurt - to be a little pissed. If a T was not those things when a client goes too far, then they really would not be a T worth having. They have those responses because they are human and because they honestly care. They manage those emotions internally and try to respond to our distress in a way that is healthy for us... but you know what, it hurts them inside. They try to help us out and do all they can to give us the skills we need to get healthy... and then things happen and we fall down.

When I go to therapy this week, the first thing I am going to do is appologize to my T for my actions. Not that I was that sad and angy and have DID problems - the root of my actions... but honestly let him know that I do want to get a grip on my own mental health and learn how to handle the bad times. And I am not appologizing for his benifit - I am doing it for me.

We need to be honest with T. We need them to be honest with us. And sometimes that means we need them to be disappointed in our actions when those actions go against our healing process. And just like a good parent - they will not just walk away from us... they may turn their heads and shed a tear when we are not looking because their heart was dented... but seeing a tear from them might encourage us to try just a bit harder the next time.

((((( big hugs to you )))))

[fallenangel337]

What you said makes so much sense!

In comparison to the thought of T not caring at all, it does show me that she cares when she is visibly disappointed. It's just hard, because I've disappointed people all my life in one way or another, and I can't stand doing that, particularly to people I care about.

It's kind of a lose-lose situation for me. If I tell her what I need to in order to work on my own issues, then I get the knowledge that I'm disappointing her. But if I don't tell her, I'm not getting the help I need.

[fallenangel337]

Thank you for your response, powers. It really means a lot that you took the time to respond and help.

I have another question: about the suicide attempt, is it cool to tell my T about that? I mean, can she involuntarily commit me for having attempted? I'm just worried since it was recent...

You need to tell your t about your suicide attempt. It's done with. It would be very unlikely she would involuntarily commit you unless you are still a danger to yourself. You need to talk about what happened, what led up to it. This is very important.

[fallenangel337]

You're right, I need to. It's very clear what led up to it, and I'm more than prepared to discuss that for sure, but the actual attempt almost seems like shaky ground to me. I feel like I need to tell her, and I know she would want to know, but I don't want to further endanger my own well-being by telling her. And by that, I mean winding up in the psych ward or something.

You won't be hurting yourself by telling what happened. It will help to know that someone else knows. As far as the psych unit goes, better there than the alternative if you hurt yourself, right?

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You won't be hurting yourself by telling what happened. It will help to know that someone else knows. As far as the psych unit goes, better there than the alternative if you hurt yourself, right?

Not really. =/

I plan to assure her that I'm not at risk. It was an impulsive decision at best. Also, I'll be leaving to go back to school Thursday, so I'll be in a super safe place then, and away from a lot of stress. So that should be reinforcing.

[WePow]

Angel - tell the truth to T. You can do it in a way that first shows T you are right now safe and grounded and not in risk. Then after you know that is established, be honest and say "I do need to tell you that this was the situation." And then be open and ask T how YOU can do better the next time. You need to have a plan of action and that is where T can help out.

[moonrise]

I agree with what Chris and WP said. She may be disappointed, but can you imagine how she would feel if she found out later that you didn't tell her? Trust is so important in therapy.

I mean, if you can't tell your T that you had a sui attempt, who can you tell??

[Mike_J]

My therapist mentioned a few months ago that at somepoint we would have to say goodbye to each other. That hit me so hard, if you think about it clearly it makes sense, one of us could move, she is going to retire at somepoint, or I might get better. But I was still so shaken by the thought of life without her, I didn't know what to do. Your dream is probally due to your not being ready to end your relationship with your therapist, something that I'm not ready to do either.