I realized something this weekend...actually, just tonight.

I'm still reeling from Thursday's session. I don't know if I've ever had such BIG feelings, truly. So much terror and pain. The feelings were so big, it was like I didn't even have a body...it was like I disappeared into them. It was scary.

I don't EVER want to feel like that again. EVER. So, this weekend, I've kept really busy. I did something with a friend yesterday morning, and this morning I went to another friend's house and helped her with a big house project. I had band with some other friends this afternoon. I watched a movie and hung out with H and my boys. I knitted ALL day yesterday, so I wouldn't have any down time to think. Today, I helped my friend, went to band, grocery shopped, watched a show with the boys.

I still keep getting ambushed by stuff - I'll have a flash of all of the feelings - and it takes my breath away, makes me gag, makes my knees weak, my palms sweat, my heart pound. It's horrible. But i get through it and keep going.

I used to think of this as "running away". All of this busy-ness to not have to remember. Tonight, I decided to think of it as FIGHTING BACK. These creepy, disgusting things were done to me as a child...but I don't want to STILL be controlled by them all of these years later. It's like giving him some kind of permanent power over me. I don't want him to have that power. It's not FAIR. NOT FAIR. I don't WANT it to affect my life now.

So. Same behavior - staying busy - but when I think of it as fighting instead of running, I think I just feel more....powerful, I guess. I'm allowed to have power. I want to have power. I don't want him to have that power over me anymore.

The thing that sucks though, is that I don't have the power to not have nightmares, so he is still winning when I'm asleep.

This stuff is really, really, really hard.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I realized something this weekend...actually, just tonight.

I'm still reeling from Thursday's session. I don't know if I've ever had such BIG feelings, truly. So much terror and pain. The feelings were so big, it was like I didn't even have a body...it was like I disappeared into them. It was scary.

I don't EVER want to feel like that again. EVER. So, this weekend, I've kept really busy. I did something with a friend yesterday morning, and this morning I went to another friend's house and helped her with a big house project. I had band with some other friends this afternoon. I watched a movie and hung out with H and my boys. I knitted ALL day yesterday, so I wouldn't have any down time to think. Today, I helped my friend, went to band, grocery shopped, watched a show with the boys.

I still keep getting ambushed by stuff - I'll have a flash of all of the feelings - and it takes my breath away, makes me gag, makes my knees weak, my palms sweat, my heart pound. It's horrible. But i get through it and keep going.

I used to think of this as "running away". All of this busy-ness to not have to remember. Tonight, I decided to think of it as FIGHTING BACK. These creepy, disgusting things were done to me as a child...but I don't want to STILL be controlled by them all of these years later. It's like giving him some kind of permanent power over me. I don't want him to have that power. It's not FAIR. NOT FAIR. I don't WANT it to affect my life now.

So. Same behavior - staying busy - but when I think of it as fighting instead of running, I think I just feel more....powerful, I guess. I'm allowed to have power. I want to have power. I don't want him to have that power over me anymore.

The thing that sucks though, is that I don't have the power to not have nightmares, so he is still winning when I'm asleep.

This stuff is really, really, really hard.

((((((((((((TREE)))))))))))))))


I have nightmares sometimes over somewhat traumatic things, but over time they lose their power over me. That's because I'm actively dealing with the problem. Now if you just sat there and let the nightmares take over your entire day, then they win. Reality is your kicking arse. It's okay to feel scared, sad, and otherwise emotional---humans are meant to feel things. Winning isn't not feeling anything, rather it's having some control over how your feelings affect you. We aren't meant to be stone, and some unconscious processes, such as dreams-- are largely out of our control. As long as they don't take over your day, you are in control of what it is possible to be in control of. Hopefully they will lessen as you deal with more of those emotionally scarring, traumatic events in the daytime (productively as in therapy).

Your right-- you are fighting back. It's hard, but it's not overwhelming you. You decide what to do and when to do it, instead of dwelling on the past so much that it takes over your present.

SAM

[liljamie23]

you are strong... keep fighting

[winterbaby]

Awww treehouse I know I don't come around here much but I read your post and wanted to respond. I'm so sorry those things happened to you. They never should have and I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of that horror and have it affect you to this day. All I can say is that keep going, many of us have survived and thrived with help from our T's and it will get better. There is hope for us.

[googley]

(((((Tree)))))
Yea for regaining power! You deserve to have power. I'm glad you had this revelation.

[Ascension]

The thing is there is a difference between allowing emotions to settle and suppressing. I think it is good to allow the freshness of a recent event to settle, for your subconscious to settle down and your rational mind to take over. Learning the difference and trying to stay on the right path is hard, and a battle I deal with daily, but I am getting better about it and it sounds like you are too. Kudos to you.

[skeksi]

The more you feel powerful, in T and out of it, the less frequently your nightmares will come. Or at least that has been my experience. It's not something that happens quickly by any means--but you're definitely on the right path.

I'm glad you are feeling strong and in control with this new perspective.

Thanks everyone

It feels like something shifted inside. T does a lot of modeling for me...saying things out loud to the perp (who obviously isn't actually there) like "you can't do that anymore" and "you're a bad person". He has me say things like "go away" and "don't come back". It's like he's MODELED power, and I've PRACTICED power, but I've never felt it.

I always spend so much time wishing, wishing, wishing that I could go back and make it not happen. I knew I was kind of stuck in my healing because of that, but I couldn't not wish that. Now I feel a little more like "fine, you did that stuff to me..well **** you, you DON'T get to hurt me anymore."

Healing surprises me. It's like just when I feel as bad as I've ever felt, something shifts and all of of a sudden, I've taken another step forward. And it's such a relief.

[bluesylady]

Hi (((((Tree)))))) Good for you for kicking som *****. I don't think all the busy stuff is running away at all. I think it's dealing with it and afterwards, when you settle down a bit you have a big sense of accomplishment for all the things you managed to do. Now if you crawled into bed and pulled the covers over your head and tried to sleep yourself into a coma, (which used to be my mo) then you would be running away. You're a very strong woman and an inspiritation. (but don't worry, you don't always have to be that way, especially for anyone else.) Put on those boxing gloves and keep fighting the good fight. You're doing great!

Be well and take care,
bl

[sittingatwatersedge]

treehouse you are really something!! and you give me hope too. I'm sorry it's so hard though. you are doing so great, keep at it

[Sannah]

I like how you have framed this Tree. It is good that you can control it like this in between sessions. This definitely sounds like progress!!

The art of distraction is vitally important when you are having intrusive thoughts. One of the reasons I have been so able to keep working is that my work is very intensive and keeps me from having intrusive thoughts. My t is constantly telling me to get off my butt and DO. Otherwise I get stuck in my head. Like you said, this isn't avoidance, it is healthful living. It is good coping mechanisms.

[rainbow8]

((((((tree)))))),

In your latest post, you sound so powerful! Yay!! Healing is gradual, but suddenly you realize that you feel differently. I think you're doing wonderfully--you are a strong woman and you ARE a fighter.

Keep fighting!

[BlueMoon6]

What an incredible ah-ha moment. That you ARE strong and have power by doing the things you love, being with your children, helping your friends, knitting and living your life. This perp cannot take your life away from you and he cannot hurt you anymore. What a freedom and relief, its as if the discovery is in where power and strength really is, it is in moving forward with your life. I could learn that lesson, too.

I have dreams that were scary and I felt small and powerless. As I had more conversations in therapy about whatever situation it was in my past, I noticed little by little my dreams, even symbolically, reflected that. I felt better and more incontrol of frightening things. If that makes any sense.

Hugs and a peaceful afternoon to you