I ran into "him" again at the gym. I don't even know why I try to go during a time when I think he won't be there, it doesn't work because he can still show up. There was a basketball game ready to start and so I didn't see his car because of all the other cars. If I did, I wouldn't of went in.

Well the plan is this other seasoned T who works with my T wants to confront him about his actions with me, but not discuss me, but to focus on HIM. Like an intervention for him to get some help if he hasn't. I still have to give my okay for allowing her to do this, she won't do it until I say it is okay.

In the meantime I am going to do what is best for me. In emails with my T yesterday, she agreed about what I want to do. I am going to be writing a letter to him, telling him my mixed feelings about what happened in therapy with him in detail. My T and me can work on those emotions that come up in doing this.

I want him to know how he hurt me by his actions, some unethical, some probably unintentional. I want it to come from me. He wouldn't talk about this stuff in therapy with him, well that frustrated me so much, I don't want to be silenced anymore. I want him to know on how is excessive disclosure hurt me and how his flirting and seduction really confused me.

He talked more about himself than I did about me. It wasn't even a problem for me to talk, I did so freely. It was like I started to talk about me, it became a starting ground for him to take over and talk about him. Everything I did, he injected himself into it, so now when I do these things they remind me too much of him. It was like there was no "me" anymore.

I didn't need to know about his testicular problems in the past or when he was going in for his colonoscopy. (twice) I didn't need to know about what his wife did or did not do in bed. I didn't need to see his family's pictures, his old girlfriend pictures, history of his office building. I didn't need to see a picture of his client who had 4 babies before 21yrs. old and ask me, "Isn't she pretty?" I didn't need to know his "famous clients from his internship where Martha Stewart went to jail. This stuff had NOTHING to do with my therapy. I didn't need to see his magic tricks or to see how much of a genius he was because he could solve the Rubik cube. None of this stuff had anything to do with me. I didn't need my sessions to run over 40 minutes, not because I was in distress, but because we were just chatting. I didn't need him winking at me at the gym, snapping towels at me and his grandiose hellos. Some of this stuff felt good at the time, but I was never in therapy before, I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I didn't know that something that felt good, would hurt me so deeply later.

At first it was comforting and exciting to have so much in common with him and it was awesome to talk to him about our common interests. But when things got out of control, it deeply hurt me because what used to feel good, felt really bad now.

It is hard because I have mixed feelings. I loved talking with him about the common stuff and for that I still miss that and him. But then there is the hurt he caused me. I went into a deep depression, gained 40lbs and wasn't the mother to my kids that I normally was, I dropped out of college because I was too depressed to get out of bed. I couldn't play the trumpet anymore, I stopped exercising in part because of depression and in part I didn't want to run into him at the gym, but yet I still missed not seeing him.

With my T, I am trying to just let myself feel. Mixed emotions are hard and rather crazy making. It is hard to let myself feel good about the good stuff we did, even though it hurt me in the end.

Therapy is hard enough, but what I didn't need is a T who couldn't keep his feelings in control.

[zooropa]

my immediate thought when I saw the 1st line of your post, exotic, was can you go to a different gym? I know how much it bothers you every time you see him, I know it would do the same to me. Obviously he's not going to respect you enough to change gyms, and you try to avoid him but keep running into him. So switching gyms seems like the only way to really be sure you won't be seeing him and having these little emotional landmines go off each time you do. Is that possible?

I agree zooropa, and I did that already. This is the 2nd gym I have run into him at. In fact when I first ran into him there, (my college gym) I was in a running class and I couldn't leave. I had to watch him run around me, while I had no choice about it.

It is my college's gym which is really nice and one that I can afford. I have to pay for the membership whether I use it or not, it is part of the required tuition costs.

He isn't even a student or a prof at my school, but his wife is, so he is allowed to use it.

[zooropa]

I guess that was kind of a stupid question on my part, I apologize, exotic. Of course you would have tried to change gyms to get away from him before now.
I'm sorry to say this but what a douche. It just shows a continuation of the pattern that developed when you were seeing him, of him not caring about you or your feelings. Obviously he could quit going there, but why would he when he probably loves to see you and get to jab you again emotionally each time? His unethical behavior makes me kind of sick to my stomach, honestly, just reading your post above I can't believe all the boundaries he crossed, and how he still has a license to practice is beyond me. Because if he did that with you, how many other clients has he done it with? Ugh.
I'm so, so sorry exotic. You didn't deserve that. You DON'T deserve that.

oh Zoopa,

not a stupid question at all. Calling him a douche kinda make me laugh because I am around college kids all the time and that is "the saying" right now. I kinda call him the Slug's S**t personally. To me, if there is a hell, it would have lots of slugs in it. lol

I just wish I could put him in the category of being an asshole and want nothing to do with him. (my old black and white thinking) But he wasn't all bad. So it is hard to have these mixed emotions. My T is trying to get me to feel okay with mixed feelings. But it feels like a runaway roller coaster.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I guess that was kind of a stupid question on my part, I apologize, exotic. Of course you would have tried to change gyms to get away from him before now.
I'm sorry to say this but what a douche. It just shows a continuation of the pattern that developed when you were seeing him, of him not caring about you or your feelings. Obviously he could quit going there, but why would he when he probably loves to see you and get to jab you again emotionally each time? His unethical behavior makes me kind of sick to my stomach, honestly, just reading your post above I can't believe all the boundaries he crossed, and how he still has a license to practice is beyond me. Because if he did that with you, how many other clients has he done it with? Ugh.
I'm so, so sorry exotic. You didn't deserve that. You DON'T deserve that.

Wow. It's hard to even know what to say, except that I am so sorry that you can't get away from him at the gym and that all that happened to you in the first place. I am glad you a good therapist to work through some of your feelings with now...

One thing that came to mind when you mentioned the other therapist who wants to talk to him about his behavior...I thought about all of the other clients he could be mistreating, too, and perhaps, when/if you are ready, you and this other therapist might have some power to help them and stop his out-of-control behavior. He should really not be allowed to practice anymore, in my opinion; he crossed way too many boundaries with you, and I am guessing he has no concept of boundaries in the first place.

Anyway, take care of yourself as you work through this. Congrats on standing up for yourself!

And I just read your last post...of course you have mixed emotions about him...therapy is so intense that it's hard not to still feel "close" to him in some ways, I am sure. That has to be tough...

"I didn't need to know about his testicular problems in the past or when he was going in for his colonoscopy. (twice) I didn't need to know about what his wife did or did not do in bed.'

I WANTED TO CHANGE FONTS BUT THERE WASN'T ONE FOR "EWWWWW"

okay there are many things i would like to know about my t...but none of those are included (altho she's a woman so maybe her testicular issues would be sort of interesting from a weird science point of view tho)

self-disclosure is one thing but this guy makes me want to break out & go stumpy on him!...wish you lived close..wish i had some extra cash..i'd go to therapy with him just to mess with his little mind..because pay back is not a pretty thing....

stumpy
who is going to spend the rest of the cold day inside smiling at how much fun it would be to torment this jerk

oh, stumpy, you just crack me up! The stuff I mentioned was only about 1% of the stuff he has told me about himself. I could write is stupid bibliography. SLUG SH*Ter
I suppose the women equalivent would be a T telling about her yeast infection, uncontrolled vaginal odor. Sorry about the spelling, even spell check doesn't know what I am saying.

My current T told me that even if she is being a b**** because of her period, she won't tell me she is having her period, she will just say sorry she is being a b****. She she won't tell me about her sex life either. lol This is good to know.

[mixedup_emotions]

ROFLMAO!!!!

(((( STUMPY & EXOTIC ))))

Too funny....

Not to make light of your situation, Exotic....It must be incredibly painful and frustrating for you to be in this situation.....But I had to laugh at the testicular comment...and the comparisons you made....Too funny.

(( HUGS ))

Omg, if she ever says she has that "not-so-fresh feeling", RUN! Ya'll are funny...lol

[rainbow8]

Are you planning to report him? Have you checked if there have been other reports against him, or action taken by a psychology board? It sounds like he needs a lot of therapy for himself and should definitely not be treating other clients.

I am sorry you are in this terrible situation, exotic. I also understand your mixed feelings, but your former T should never have crossed those boundaries.

I did start a complaint with the APA over a year ago, but I haven't completed the 2nd step. If I thought he was endangering anyone else, I would in a heartbeat. He has never been reported before and he has been practicing for over 20 years.

I honestly believe his feelings for me surprised him and he didn't know what to do. I think for an older T, they are sometimes too embarrest to get help. He has one of the best reputations and he supervises other T's. Not that is an excuse, but I think things got carried away because this was unlike him normally. It could have been a mid life crisis type thing or a bored in his marriage thing. I don't know really. Except I am one hot tamale! lol just kidding. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. There was a lot of sexual tension in the room. But my current T told me it was up to him to keep those boundaries.

We did have incredible chemistry and so much in common. I know that sounds like a clique' but it is true. I could see him struggling with his feelings, it was so obvious. He would act cold one session and hot in another. I think he was scared, and when I would try to confront him about that, he got even more scared. I don't think he has a pattern of this, at least not the sexual stuff. I do know that even he says he discloses more than the APA would approve of. He did tell me that he probably has told me more about him than any other client he has had, we worked together for 2 1/2 years. It wasn't therapy, it was more like social thing, so I did learn a lot about him. But he still hurt me and for that, it is hard to get over.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

ROFLMAO!!!!


Not to make light of your situation, Exotic....It must be incredibly painful and frustrating for you to be in this situation.....But I had to laugh at the testicular comment...and the comparisons you made....Too funny.

(( HUGS ))

Oh, don't worry, I have to laugh about it too sometimes. He told me that in the 70's it was a fad to go streak and run around campus. Well he did that too. Now the bad part is when I was at the gym and he was running past me the day after he told me, how could I NOT picture him naked. I got totally embarrass and told him to never tell me anything like that again.

Now something really worried me too about seeing him at the gym. He developed a heart arrhythmia and started to have problems, so he would stop at a machine to take his pulse while running. That worried me to death that we going to drop dead with a stroke or something. It made me very worried and angry that I had to think about that.
Overall I enjoyed talking to him, we had fun. My 2nd T told me that therapy should have never been that fun. If I knew it was going to hurt me in the end, I think I would have behaved differently or got a new T.

I am very careful now with my T. I just told her recently that I think I have found the right T to help me, BUT that didn't mean I wasn't going to keep my eye on her, just in case.