Im sorry for posting this here, is probably not the right place, but I know this forum is popular.
I have been struggling with my mental health for several years. I have chronic anxiety, PTSD, and DID. I have suffered all forms of CA,. I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me come to terms with my awful childhood. At the core of this, is my alcoholic mother. She has been an alcoholic all of my life (Im 45) and has caused a lot of pain and sorrow. Now she has terminal cancer and has only 2 weeks to live. She lives in Australia, and I do plan to go over. I feel sick with anxiety about seeing her, how I will feel, really just the whole thing!!! How on earth can I put these bitter feelings aside when she has caused so much damage to my life. i am at a loss. Please help.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((( dear kindergirl )))))))) when you actually see your mother, perhaps her weakness and illness will help you to put away the past. At least for the time you will be with her.

Please know this: you will have the blessings of Heaven for going to your mother in her last days - especially if it costs you so much to do so.

Your kindness to her now will be a sweet and relieving memory to you for the rest of your life. I know, because for all pain in my life that had my mother as the center of it, she died in my arms and I wouldn't have had it any other way. At that moment I remembered none of the bad, only the good. And the memory of her last moments causes me no conflict or guilt, only relief and happiness. God bless you my dear!!! SAWE

[Fartraveler]

(((kindergirl)))

It is hard to want to feel loving when you actually just feel (with reason) hurt and bad. But don't berate yourself about your feelings.

If you can behave in a kind way, then that is the important thing.

-Far

[ECHOES]

Not that any time is good, but what an awful time for you to have to deal with this.
Maybe you can go for you---because you want to do what you feel is the right thing because that matters to you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, what timing! First of all, I am sorry that you're going through this. Have you talked to your T about your anxiety over all this?

I know I would struggle with this a LOT. I am sure you will get through this, and I hope you are able to find some peace.

[darkrunner]

Kindergirl
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think what Far said is really important.....to not beat yourself up for your feelings.
And I think that going to see your mother does not in any way invalidate or erase your feelings or your pain - the pain that she caused you

[BlueMoon6]

((((Kindergirl)))) I am sorry about your mother. I know how hard this situation is. I had the same experience as you did with a dying mother (I was younger at the time though) and a good therapist to help me through it.

Now, decades later, I can tell you that the best thing I did was say to my mother the things I would have said to her if I had even liked her. I said them even though I didnt mean them and to this day I dont regret anything I didnt say. I do have some regets about the way I felt, but that was where I was at at that time.

You do feel this way about her and it is important not to invalidate that, yet her death will be somehting you will live with for the rest of YOUR life. I so know what it is like to go to the bedside of a mother you have these feelings about. Yet, if my T at the time didnt feed me lines to say to her, I dont know what I would have done. I told her I'd be aright, I'd pull my life together, someday I will get married and have children, I told her I loved her. All this stuff that I wondered if I meant or even felt. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I did it knowing I would regret it if I didnt say those things. I am so glad I did.

It is hard, please post and let me (all of us) know how you are doing. Hugs and strength to you.

Thank you all for your replies. I am not doing so well. Anxiety is through the roof and I am absolutely petrified about going to see her. Will probably be going later this week. There is a lot of apprehension. Please say a little prayer for me.......xxx

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by kindergirl

Please say a little prayer for me.......xxx

You got it I always put in a word for the PC folk ; they have been so kind to me and have given me so much help!!
this is for all

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by kindergirl

Thank you all for your replies. I am not doing so well. Anxiety is through the roof and I am absolutely petrified about going to see her. Will probably be going later this week. There is a lot of apprehension. Please say a little prayer for me.......xxx

I'm sorry you're not doing well. The anxiety is totally understandable. Have you contacted your T? Perhaps check out the sticky post that lists coping strategies that may help you through this very difficult time.

I've said an extra prayer for you, and will continue....

[Grithnir]

This is probably not what the therapist would tell you to do, but be assertive. I have a verbally abusive and drunken father that my mother copes with, and now I just tell them plainly to divorce and move on. I went through remembering the abuse of my father to me and my mother when my sisters left the house for college and everything else and it was bad. It was a house full of tension and probably is what caused my schizophrenia. I still find myself rebelling to his ways, and for me right now, wouldn't attend his funeral because he is just the self-righteous type that admits no wrong, so what is the point. His ears are blocked up and the past years I have limited my relationship to a minimum like he is already developing dimensia and just telling him white lies when I visit my mother to maybe make him realize he has problems with his own mental health.

That is my story about my abusive father, but one day when I have the courage I want to say you are a bad father, grandfather and I'm not hanging around to see you change, and I don't care what happens anymore.

Point being be in control, assertive, and positive, and just move on from the experience.

My T is away and wont be back til the 9th Feb. Couldnt have come at a worse time...........

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by kindergirl

My T is away and wont be back til the 9th Feb. Couldnt have come at a worse time...........

Oh, wow, that IS bad timing....Did your T give you an option to call or provide you with a back-up T?

I feel awful that you're going through this. Big hugs to you....

she phoned me today and I am seeing her on Thursday. I am very thankful for this, as she is on holiday with her family. Still taking things day by day!!

[ECHOES]

kindergirl, that's so good that she can see you right now. What a wonderful T you have! Keep hanging in there!