[Melbadaze]

I dunno, from time to time it comes up, how afraid I was as a child, the world was just scary, besides the traumatic things that happened, I was primed to be afraid from day 1.

Its like this part of me has been opened and It wont stop. I said to T yesterday half way through the session that I felt as if I've put a giant concrete boulder on her lap and shes sitting there going "eeekkkk" but not letting me know that.

T said why do I have to feel as if I must be putting the boulder on anyone, why cant I just put it on the floor and then me and her can walk round it and look at it.

I was trying to convey I think the impossibleness of the total disregard my adoptive mother had for my fears. I said I know kids run in complaining about things, but I have not 1 example of her ever having done anything about any of my fears.

I said I can remember aged about 6 consiously deciding to tell a lie to my mother to see her reaction, I am left handed and remember telling her the sch was making me right with my right hand, which they weren't and I remember she got a bit annoyed about that but that was it, well actually thank gawd coz if she had gone up the sch LOL, but T said, but she didnt and if she had perhaps the sch would have been aware something was not right.

I broke down once in session yesterday when I said I feel ashamed of the fear I always felt, how I hate that small girl, she haunts me with memories of her fears. As I was speaking these words though, it was like alongside them came some realisations that she was only a small child then, and its like I was healing and comforting myself as I cried and talked about "her" fears.

T said something about how there is a very strong side to me as well and how I keep the 2 parts very seperate, the very afraid small child and the quite strong person.

I came away feeling partly ashamed for having what I felt "whine" all the way through session, and partly felt as if T had not listened to me, but when I sat with that thought, I could see it wasn't true, how I am putting T in the role of my adoptive mother, that T did a lot more than just there yesterday, she actively listened and I think its that that I find hard to understand, I often times feel that T should do something more, be more pro-active, but yesterday for the first time, I realised these are feelings I felt with my adoptive mother, how if I was scared she wasn''t able to offer me any support and would infact withdraw into her self and almost laugh at me so as to avoid her own reactions to my fears, its this that I feel so strong at times when I'm with T and mistake her active listening and wanting to help explore things as indifference. I am shocked at how strong that is in my psyche.

But most of all, out of all the things that I have discussed in therapy, this little girl going to mummy because shes afraid is the least thing I wish to talk about, if I felt therapy would be like that from now on in, I swear I would walk, thats how strongly I feel about that little girls whining, her desperate need to be made safe, protected. I guess its because I am admitting to something, and I'm so afraid it will be rejected again.

[googley]

(((((((((melbadaze))))))))

Please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with needing comfort and to be listened to. Sometimes I find it hurts to get the things that I know I was denied as a kid. It hurts like picking at a scab that has kept me from feeling those needs because that was the only way to make it through. And it hurts to open them up again and acknowledge that things were not as good as I made myself believe they were. And I had to make myself believe they were good because otherwise I could not have kept going. It hurts to look back at the things that I now know where not right. To acknowledge that I had needs that were not met. And hurts even more to try and let those needs be met now. I hate the part of me that wants to connect to T and wants to feel cared about (also a younger part it seems). It is easier to retreat into my "adult" self that wants to be independent and pretend that everything was fine.

I guess I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. And you will not be too much for your T. Let her know your fear and your anger. She wont reject you. And take care of yourself during this time. You deserve to be taken care of.

[Melbadaze]

Thanks googley,

Theres something about talking about this part of my life that makes me feel very vunrable. T said in an email today that perhaps by calling it "whining" I think I can make it small, but infact it makes it bigger. I think shes right, and I think though they are scary and painful, I think I want to know more about this little afraid girl part now.

[Sannah]

Good work Melba, keep going. She so deserves to be heard and comforted............

[pachyderm]

I think I have figured out why, for me at least, admitting feeling vulnerable and unsuccessful has been so difficult for me: they were things my mother hated. She hated for us to show neediness. She said things such as "I despise you when you whine". I can remember the spitting emphasis she put on the word "despise". So it is no wonder that even to be mindful of such tendencies now in my life is difficult; just thinking of them, trying to admit them and consider them objectively is hard because they were so dangerous then that I could not afford to even be aware that the feelings were there.

[Melbadaze]

Patchy, Yes I understand what you are saying. I think when we talk about things that others done to us, theres a small part of us that knows that they really didnt know us, but when we talk about what happened in our own homes by people who did know us, well appeared to know us, then it really does begin to go to the core of who we are. I think this is how it is for me too.