caring anyway.

In my session on Monday We talked about or I talked about how it was before therapy. How all through my life I mentally stalked female teachers, work collegues and how painful that wanting something was. I asked T what it was I wanted? T said in such a compassionate voice, "to be cared about, to be loved". I looked at her and said, oh but that seems such a crime.

I use to make stories up hoping to have who ever my Latest hostage was would keep me in mind, worry about me or as I know now, care about me. I never thought my real story was worthy of sympaphy.

Well last night I had a dream that I'd made up a story about having done a
painting, I guess My dream held that as an angle for getting cared about because T does have her sons paintings on her walls and each time I pass them it reminds me of the mother part of her and I want to shall in that, so I dreamt I'd told her I'd painted a picture but I hadn't and when she asks me About it asks if I've hung it up, you know shows interesT in me, in something I've done which was missing froM my chikdhood I like it but I know I've lied and my reply to T sort of shows that, But the good part was, her concern interest wasn't withdrawn, I felt this warmth Coming from her anyways, it didn't matter what I'd done or nOt done, it was me she truely cared about. it was so nice, it also shows me the areas in my childhood that Were empty. I think I might email T and tell her.

I did tell T. One of the things she said was yes, we have to recognise being cared about by others first before we can find it in ourselfs! Think thats pretty cool! Oh plus she asked about the painting LOL!

It that one of the psychosocial developmental stages? Are you saying we need to be cared for by others before we can care for ourselves? Or are you saying that we need to admit or recognize that we need others to care for us before we figure out how to get our needs met on our own?

I know for me it is hard to admit to myself that I need someone's attention or care. I judge these feelings a being stupid or a baby. So many times when I feel this way instead of engaging with others to meet my needs, I withdraw and attack myself for being stupid.

Choatic, I am only speaking from my own personal experience, and yes I realised today that I have been experiencing T's genuine care and interest in me, and realised that I have never had that modelled for me and its only in experiencing it can I compare it to what It was once like and I can honestly say I have never experienced what I experienced from T and that until I recognised it could I then feel it and realise that it does live in me too, and in realising that I can see how I've never been able to give fully to anyone because I plain just didnt know how too, but now I feel it, I told T I feel as if that hole in my soul has been given the code to becoming real. I have loved my kids the best I can and have tried to not do things that were done to me and I have tried to give them soul food and to a degree I've done good enought in that area, but I'm sure now that there was still that total acceptence that I lacked, I can feel it in my stomach now, I feel I know how to do it, want to do it, able to do because I finally recognise it because T has shown me, and I think also now I can tell when its real and genunine and when its being manufactued now because I have had to manufactuer it at times....I;ll put T's email here because I think she explains it better...

Dear xxxxx

Your dream is a wonderful way of bringing this difficult stuff into consciousness. Realising that you can have attention just because you want it, not because you have done something to deserve it, is very powerful. It's an interesting dream too, because of the 'painting' that was interesting even if we both knew it wasn't real. Were you actually talking about it? What was it about?

Yes, the dream is about what's been missing from your life, and it feels like having a soul is linked to the feeling of being cared for - that it has to come from outside before you can recognise it inside. But I'm still thinking about the painting - it doesn't matter that it didn't actually materialise onto paper - that perhaps that's your soul, and that although it felt like a lie in your dream, you were actually describing something real.

I'm not sure if I've explained that very well. The most important thing here though, is, as you say, that you feel like you've got hold of something that's been missing, and that you can now have it for yourself and for others.

Love,
xxxx

OK, what was in the painting?

Melba - what a cool sharing!

Its made up of pastol blues and yellow but made me feel like heaven.

Just colors? No subject matter (other than colors)?

Melbadaze,

It's interesting to me reading about your dream and how you and your t interpret aspects of it. I'm also bowled away by the progress you've made, in that you now can identify what it feels like to have that true acceptance for who you are. And you are already thinking about ways that you might be able to pass it along to your family and others in your life. All i can say is Wow!

My t has been showing me kindly acceptance for quite a long time now, yet i am still struggling with trying to let it take root and grow in me -- and to feel worthy of allowing myself to have that good, warm feeling of connection. I feel it at times, but tend to lose it shortly afterward. Also, when i am able to conjure up feelings of acceptance in myself, it's iffy and doesn't feel as good as when it comes from my t. I think deep down i still have alot of issues with not feeling worthy.

I also thought it was nice your t used the words "Dear ___" and "Love." In 10 years of therapy, my t has never used those words in emailing with me.

Dear peaches100

Love, me.

I was also liking the fact that she didn't make a very short statement like "Interesting dream, thanks for sharing it." She said she was "still thinking about the painting" and even asked you more questions about it. It shows how interested she is in what you're experiencing.

pre-verbal perhaps?

Peaches, yes you picked up on it too. I think thats how I've managed to finally begin to belief perhaps because of her genuineness.

Thanks so much, Pachy!

Good work Melba, great insight. Thanks for sharing............