[velcro003]

I have had a tough week. I am just starting to deal with/process changes that are going to be happening in my life in a few months. The past two sessions have been almost solely on this issue, and been very difficult for me. Usually when we get to a topic I don't like to think about, I change the subject. I decided to not do that, and have stuck with it.

Well...sticking with it led to me feeling *Yes, I just said that with disgust*

I have walked around the past few days all teary and over-emotional. I have an uncle with cancer, and I write my aunt an email once a week to see how they are doing. She wrote me friday saying that he is doing ok, but the type of cancer he has is very resistant to chemo. After I read that, I had to try so, so hard to not start crying at work.

I actually left work for awhile, because that led to a downward spiral of feelings, and I called my aunt (a different aunt, same side of family). This was HUGE for me. I don't ever talk about my feelings to anyone (as seen by the disgust above), but I was feeling so fragile and emotional, I needed to talk to someone and I've always felt like we had a special connection.

She talked to me for 45 minutes. She didn't seem fazed that I was crying (though I fought back sobbing the entire time). She said that WE would get through all of this together. That she will call me every week if she has to.

I don't like to show being upset, because I think it led to my mom either not being able to handle my emotions without herself becoming upset, or she just told me that she'd REALLY give me something to cry about.

* I will NEVER use that phrase on my own children*

So when I was upset, my aunt just kept me talking, and giving me advice. Wow.

I managed to make it through work. I came home and was still feeling really emotionally unstable, and decided to write my T an email. I told her how rough my day was, and I just needed to get it out because I felt like I was imploding on myself. She wrote me back saying that if I needed to talk to her this weekend, to let her know and we can arrange a time to talk.

I wrote her back, saying that was very sweet, but I didn't want to impede on her weekend and just knowing she was there was helpful.

I got up this morning (after bawling my eyes out last night) to an email from her saying "I do mean it"

Wow. I have been in therapy for 2+ years, and have had a very difficult time with it. I have never been comfortable with it. I spend every session being anxious, not wanting to talk. We've had difficult conversations like if I even want to be there, if I feel comfortable with her, if I even want to change. Those have all SUCKED. I have continuously and constantly tested her to see if she was finally sick of me.

She continuously and constantly told me that she isn't kicking me out, that she isnt' going anywhere. I never believed it, always waiting for the shoe to drop. You just never know!

For some reason, the past month or so I realized I wasn't so anxious when I went. Still anxious yes, and still not wanting to really delve in...but less.

Then THIS happens this weekend. I can't stop smiling when I think about how she went out of her way to let me know that she IS there for me. And not even on her work days. Wow.

Maybe I don't have to go it alone?

That is frightening and kind of awesome....

[ECHOES]

velcro, I admire how you could reach out to your other aunt, take in her comforting talking with you. That is really huge!
And I love how your T responded to you, and that how secure with T you are feeling

[googley]

Velcro-
I'm glad that you reached out to your aunt to get support and she was able to provide it. That is so wonderful.

[velcro003]

Thank you Echoes. It was so crazy, that this all happened at once. I never ever ever have reached out to family like I did. I still don't even know why I did.

I am glad I did. And I am glad I am starting to trust T. I know its going to get harder, so I am just going to take it day by day...minute by minute.

[jexa]

Oh my God velco that is AMAZING and I am SO impressed! I am like this right now for you:

I am especially impressed with the way you reached out to your aunt -- WOW! You let yourself feel all the sadness about what is happening -- while connecting to someone in your life -- who was supportive and who wants to continue to support you and accept your support through this difficult time. I am like you with never ever reaching out to family, so I get what a big deal this is.

This is amazing, amazing progress velcro.

[mixedup_emotions]

Velcro, you KNOW I can relate to the scariness of what you're feeling...and I too am amazed that you were able to let yourself feel the sadness (even though you felt disgusted by that feeling which I can relate to OH SO MUCH).....AND reach out to your aunt....That really is HUGE...

And then to reach out to T....WOW....

I'm so glad your T is being supportive and that you are allowing yourself to trust T more....I am inching my way there as well, as scary as it feels.

[velcro003]

Thanks guys! I really can't believe it either. I hope I don't get too scared and poke my head back in my shell. My T loves that metaphor, that I am a turtle who pokes her head out, gets scared...and puts it back in the shell. I like it in there!