what would you do if your T denies saying something that you *know* T said and it was upsetting?

and you talked about it, but T still denied T said it.

relationship is new..some other things about T are ok so far

trust your self or question your self?

this feels so major to me, but i wonder if i should just drop it, continue on, and be more cautious and weary (which i already am alot!)

[BlueMoon6]

Oh, Solar, this has happened to me and it is VERY VERY upsetting. I think I would further discuss this with T if you like her. I think being people who are so used to not trusting ourselves, it is almost like more trauma to go ahead and invalidate what we know to be true. This kind of a thing is a major trigger for me. I listen carefully so I know what someone said.

In this case, with a T, it is even more difficult to say "yes, you said that." I never did with my previous T (desk-t) but she deserved for me to have that kind of a converstion with her. I say, dont drop it. Tlak abuot the last sentence you wrote here with her.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Solarwind

what would you do if your T denies saying something that you *know* T said and it was upsetting?

Solarwind, that happened to me once in therapy. But my T absolutely denied he had said that. I didn't argue. I guess I felt that even if he did say it, he was now not saying it, and that it was more important to know what he felt and thought at that moment, rather than the week or month before. People change their minds and their words. I don't want to argue about who's right and who said what. It's easier to just start again from where we are at that moment: what does T think and say now?

Anyhow, that's how I handled it. Probably not very satisfactory, but it allowed me to get past it.

[kim_johnson]

maybe he meant 'i didn't mean it like that'. i dunno.

what do you want from him? an apology?

would it be enough if he understood what you thought he said...
and understood that a person would feel distressed if they thought he said that to them?

[Snakebit]

Originally Posted by Solarwind

what would you do if your T denies saying something that you *know* T said and it was upsetting?

and you talked about it, but T still denied T said it.

relationship is new..some other things about T are ok so far

trust your self or question your self?

this feels so major to me, but i wonder if i should just drop it, continue on, and be more cautious and weary (which i already am alot!)

This happened to me once and I told him that I wish I had a tape recorder because if he didn't say it that's what I heard. He did say it! But I was willing to pretend that I "may have" heard it wrong.

This happened after I had been seeing him for about a year. Had it happened earlier, I would have stopped seeing him. But, after a year I knew that his good parts overrode this one misstatement on his part.

[BlueMoon6]

This is a very interesting thread to me. I dont know what to do in that situation.I like the way SUnny handles it, what is T (or anyone) thinking in that moment, but I may think to myself that they DO mean what I heard that they are just getting defensive and taking it back now that they got caught. ANd that is not to say that the person or T really remembers that they did say it and is consciously trying to cover up. Its just that they may want to present a "better" or nicer thought/opinion buy what they really think or feel is what I first heard. That is what would go thru my mind even though Id like to start fresh from today.

[ECHOES]

Because I have caught myself distorting what T has said, when there have been a time or two that we disagree on what she said, I just decide that whether she said it or not, that is what I heard and what I heard is valid and has meaning. So we went with that, accepting it as something I experienced whether or not that came from her or not. Sitll something to explore

[rainbow8]

I like Echoes' solution. Whether your T said it or not, you reacted to something you thought she said, and it bothers you. I would think a good T would let you discuss what that means to you. If it is something very derogatory that would make or break your therapeutic relationship, then I would consider whether this is the right T for you. But I think it's important to know if she believes what she didn't say, or not. Assuming she didn't say it, or even if she did. Or is it that she may be "covering up" a lie what is bothering you?

thanks everyone. i don't know. i don't feel right. yes, it was something degrotary not directly about me, but about the way i am.

and T denied saying it, but i know T did because afterwards i spaced out

i dont want an apology but what T said, triggered what happened, so i want T to understand that

when i talked to T about it, T got that it could be the trigger, but still denied that T said it

and yes, i think i am being lied to and i dont like that

plus i feel like i am now being called the liar too.

but in other ways, the T has been ok...so, it's almost like i have to do what Sunny said and move on. but gosh, it is bothering me and it is going to take an extra long time now to trust this

[jexa]

Can you tell her, because you deny saying something I clearly remember you saying, I feel that you are calling me a liar, and I have to admit it is going to be very hard to trust you after this? Maybe she will be able to work with you on it, admit she could have said it, or give you some other kind of satisfying answer?

[ECHOES]

Misinterpretation, or assigning different meanings, by either party.. doesn't make them liars. It is an inherent quality of communication that one person can say something and 3 people can hear it 3 different ways.
I hope you and T keep talking about this