[googley]

During the last 24 hrs. I left T two angry voice mails letting her know that I was angry at her. The first one was telling her that I didn't think she believed me when I said the emotional abuse hurt. And the second one telling her that I wanted to hurt myself to show her how much it hurt and since I knew that wasn't good, would she call me. I know she isn't good with phone contact. (last session the first thing she said to me was an apology for not reaching me during the week to respond to my phone call.) But I'm afraid that I ruined everything. That she will kick me out of T and never let me come back. That she hates me for calling her. That if I was a better client I wouldn't need to talk to her between sessions.

I was wondering if anyone else had ever left an angry voice mail for T and how your T dealt with it. I'm just scared I'm going to go in this week and get in trouble. I didn't mean to cause trouble. I was just so mad.

[darkrunner]

Hi Googley,
I've never left an angry vm for T. But I just wanted to say I read your post and I don't think it is ever wrong to express our feelings. Your T sounds like a good one, and I'm sure T will be understanding and that you won't be in trouble.

[fieldofdreams]

Googley, I can't count the number of times I've left angry voice mail or email messages. My T generally doesn't respond to those messages -- he waits until I'm calmer and then, if I ask him appropriately, he will sometimes respond to my concerns between sessions but most often he expects me to ride it out and sit with the feelings until my next session. And then we usually talk about whatever made me so angry or upset. Most of the time I eventually realize that something from my past got triggered and that's why my reaction was so intense and out of proportion to the situation.
He rarely takes it personally when I'm raging at him over something, because most of the time it's not so much about him as I think it is at the time. But he expects anger from survivors of any kind of abuse, and he expects it to be directed at him sometimes because that's part of the process. I used to worry about being kicked out of therapy for it but my T has been working with survivors for about 30 years now so he's pretty much seen and heard it all. Expressing anger is something he expects even when it's misdirected at him. He has a few rules about physical safety that his patients need to follow so that our anger doesn't become destructive but his goal is always to help us understand it rather than pretending it's not there.

[ECHOES]

Yes. I have wished there was a "delete" button on the phone...

I would be so afraid that she would be angry back at me. Retaliate. Punish. Reject...
But I arrive at the next session and she just smiles and says "So, I got your messages...." and we talk about it. And it's okay. She understands why and how this happens.

She would prefer it come up in session so we work on that. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I don't feel it until after, whether because I suppress it in session or because it comes as part of the processing afterwards. I tried journalling about things like this, and it is relieving, but when I put distance between me and the anger, then I deny it and it fades away (push! shove! bury!) and doesn't get talked about. But it does get better with time, googley. Hang in there

[googley]

So my T responded to my second message asking her to call me. And she wasn't angry with me. I apologized for leaving the angry voice mails and she said that it was okay. She said that she had said that I could leave voice mails. She even said that this week I could leave more . But to make sure and ask her for a call back if I needed it. I feel like I need to apologize again when I am in T so I can make sure she knows it. And also tell her how scared I was afterwords and how bad it made me feel to know that I had done that. And being afraid that she was going to kick me out. But everything right now is okay until I see her again.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by googley

So my T responded to my second message asking her to call me. And she wasn't angry with me. I apologized for leaving the angry voice mails and she said that it was okay. She said that she had said that I could leave voice mails. She even said that this week I could leave more . But to make sure and ask her for a call back if I needed it. I feel like I need to apologize again when I am in T so I can make sure she knows it. And also tell her how scared I was afterwords and how bad it made me feel to know that I had done that. And being afraid that she was going to kick me out. But everything right now is okay until I see her again.

I'm glad your T called you and provided you with the reassurance you needed. I also feel it would be good for you to address this when you see your T, so you can explore these feelings and get the added reassurance that you need....

I have left tons of angry messages for t and so surprised every time when he doesn't get angry.. but calls back and sounds so concerned. sometimes i would feel better if he was angry. glad your t called you back and things worked out..