[ECHOES]

I will be seeing T at noon today. I haven't seen her since the 1st because she's been 'out west'. (trying not to picture horses, saddles, lassoes). On a business and pleasure trip, to attend a conference and visit an old friend.
Are you ever jealous of your T's rich full life?

We talk frequently, a lot, about resistance, holding back. Most of the time I just don't engage much. But in therapy I do, I want to anyway, but so often I begin a thought and shortly after I stop it, sometimes mid-sentence. I don't want to and I don't mean to but it seems out of my control. It evaporates. Poof! Well not totally, but the words do. We talk about it being protective. I tend to lay additional judgement on it. Additional because it is some kind of judgement/fear that causes it to happen. It is just very frustrating. I want to talk and talk and talk. I love talking with her.

So I've been thinking about resistance. How many forms it can take, what it serves, where it begins. So often I feel lazy, although I do not think that I am lazy. It's a judgement I make. Not having friends is lazy. Not persuing my interests is lazy. Negativity is lazy. The 'nothingness' that is my life is lazy....
But if I think of these things as being resistances, then I might see the fears that are there, what I am defending against/protecting from, what it means to let go of these defenses.

After beginning to settle in to therapy the first year, I was repeatedly extremely frustrated with wanting to 'be myself' in there and that not happening in spite of talking about wanting to, phone calls after sessions where I was so frustrated and feeling hopeless. I also don't feel like I am 'myself' outside of therapy and I'm very uncomfortable with myself with others or alone.

So, while I am still resisting, holding back, clamming up--and getting very frustrated in the moment!!--I think it is progress that this is happening in session. I am at least not resisting so much that I can allow myself to work on it. Frustrating as it can be, it is also rewarding and relieving because I am not alone in this anymore.

Anyway, so happy that T returns today.

[pegasus]

Hope you have a great session ECHOES!

[WePow]

((( echoes ))) I am very glad you get to see your T today! I am a bit enveous that T is able to use his skills better than I can use mine. But I am not enveous of T because I would not want to be a T or have his life. I like being me - finally! :-)

[darkrunner]

Echoes,
How was your session? I hope it went well.

I've been thinking about what you said here:

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So I've been thinking about resistance. How many forms it can take, what it serves, where it begins. So often I feel lazy, although I do not think that I am lazy. It's a judgement I make. Not having friends is lazy. Not persuing my interests is lazy. Negativity is lazy. The 'nothingness' that is my life is lazy....
But if I think of these things as being resistances, then I might see the fears that are there, what I am defending against/protecting from, what it means to let go of these defenses.

This does sound like progress and a good way to 'reframe' it so that it is something you can work with, instead of just being a personal flaw.
Did you talk to your T about this?

Thanks for posting about this. I think it might be helpful to me.

[ECHOES]

I did have a good session. Reconnecting just felt so good. I found myself on the verge of tears, and stopped and said so. I told her again that when she is away, I'm fine. I have small, fleeting worries that she will come back and tell me that she's moving away (to where her grandbaby and family live) but I'm okay because I understand that it's about that awareness of separateness. It's when she comes back that I'm sometimes not okay, but even that is much better. So, today when I was suddenly on the verge of tears it was because I was so loving being there; I push away thoughts of what the therapy relationship feels like and make it something sterile.. something easy to miss. But sitting there today, reconnecting, remembering what it feels like to have her there, listening to and really hearing me, helping me explore things further, chuckling with me, accepting me... the feelings of missing her, missing all that, came flooding back from where I had effectively stuffed them, to get by. Defense against the pain.

Yes we did talk about lazy vs resistance/defense. We began with where the 'lazy' judgement came from. I grew up hearing "Can't died in the poorhouse because she wouldn't try!". I heard a lot of cliche's growing up, without any explanation about their meaning or how it applied to me. No help at all exploring the "can't", finding solutions, alternatives, or even accepting that sometimes there are things that we "can't" do or have.

We talked about the protectivess aspect of defenses, of specific things I call lazy in my judgement and harsh mind. Protection from hurt, shame, judgement (), rejection, anger... And how automatic and quick the internal process is that begins as "I'm going to..." but ends up "I couldn't possibly!..."

Way to much to cover in just one session. But something to remember as being part of the intricate and complex matrix that is me

Reconnecting felt so good that a daydream/fantasy ocurred later that I haven't had in a long time. One where I am a child, standing next to her chair, just looking at her and so happy to be there, basking in the warmth of the safety and acceptance that lets a person just....be.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Echoes)))) Im so glad you had a such a great session. It sounds like amazing progress to me that you ARE able to connect with these feelings and how youjudge yourself as "lazy" or any other word youuse for yourself. And how it all protects you. I can SO relate to that. I think the harsh things I say to myself about myself protect me in a way. Who would I be if not all these things I say to myself. How would I approach the world if I was and okay person. Would there be more pressure on me to do and be more?

I relate to the social fears and uncomfortableness you feel. I consider myself outgoing, but I have an introverted, very fearful part that avoids social situations and protects me at all cost.

You know, when I was reading this about you not being yourself and trying your best to actually be yourself, I was thinking how you seem very honest and genuine here on PC. Do you think posting in an honest way about how you really feel and who you really are here has helped. I am saying that because I think I learned SO MUCH about myself how I feel about things from reading and posting. I even process as I write.

Sorry if my typing is weird. Im on a computer I cant type on....OY!

[jennaorgana]

yay echoes!!!! it feels so good to be in such a great relationship with a T. it is so therapeutic and incredible and i am very much excited for you.

and the work you are doing, jeez, its incredible. hugs from me and keep doing well!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I grew up hearing "Can't died in the poorhouse because she wouldn't try!".

That brings back memories! Vague ones, though. Too many instances of things like that to remember them all...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Echoes )))))))))))))))))

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, Glad Ts back! and like the way you are thinking about things! Good stuff.

[mixedup_emotions]

Very insightful, Echoes!!!

And I'm so glad your T is back and that you had a great reconnecting session!!

feels fantastic when all goes well doesn't it! I am glad it all went well for you!!!